NSFW - Fatback Media

Heidi Montag, the 20 year old actress(? ) and star(?) of the television show (?) The Hills, who recently got breast augmentation surgery - to the tune of D cups- has reportedly been offered 1 million dollars to pose in Playboy with her newly enlarged boobs. Except probably not.

“Playboy is interest[ed] in shooting Heidi’s new body,” [Heidi's boyfriend] Pratt told In Touch. “They’ve offered her $1 million to be in the magazine.”

Playboy representative Lauren Melone didn’t deny Montag received an offer to appear in the magazine, according to In Touch, but added Playboy “wouldn’t pay $1 million.” (source)

Why would they pay a million dollars for a 20 something no-name “actress”, when they can pay one thousand dollars to the first 5 corn fed, midwestern girls that get off the bus with fake tits, a heart of gold and a dream in her heart and call it an issue? I’ll tell you why. They wouldn’t dummy. There’s no need. Besides we’ll be seeing plenty of her new boobies by Christmas when the sex tape comes rolling out.

I have to say though, I’m a sucker for a big rack (fake or not) so I think she’s pretty hot. I’m also a sucker for public radio fundraisers. Those NPR Morning Edition mugs are the shit.

 

The not-so-anticipated sex tape of The Hills star Lauren Conrad (LC to you and me baby) and Laguna Beach star Jason Wahler, has been permanently shelved according to reports. Maybe her daddy can step in make it all better for his little angel.

A TMZ source said the alleged tape, news of which first broke on Perez Hilton, is “very vanilla” with “no hard core sex.” The source adds that LC and Jason are basically “messing around.” (source)

Fuckin’ rich kids. All that good breeding and training and they can’t even be left alone to make a proper sex tape. No hard core? WTF? Why even film it? Nobody wants to see a spoiled rich brat fumble with a bra for 10 minutes, then bust a nut while he’s trying to take his wang out of his designer jeans. In my house we don’t take lens cap off unless we’re about to break some fucking laws. This why rich women always run off with the pool boy or the gardener (or the sexy internet writer). While you rich guys are thinking about money and bitches, we’re having fun living paycheck to paycheck, drinking your scotch and fucking your wife.

Kristin Cavallari continues to not have any skill whatsoever except for being outrageously hot. Below are some excerpt interview passages from the ultra-intelligent Blender Magazine.

Is it hot in here, or is it just you?
Oh, it’s just me.

When’s the first time you realized you were hot?
Same as any other girl, when we develop boobs and stuff. But I don’t consider myself hot — I still feel like the same big dork I’ve always been.

What’s the downside of being so darn hot?
Since so many people know who I am and know my business, I can’t get away with things I’d normally be able to. And I’m not 21, so going out can be a big issue. Then again, being hot can actually help with that problem, so it is good and bad.

What advice do you have for those who aspired to hotness?
Be yourself, don’t care what other people think, have a lot of confidence. Or at least make it look like you have a lot of confidence. Pretend if you need to.

Paris Hilton: hot or not?
Hot.

Cocaine?
Not.

MTV’s The Hills?
Not.

Hot Food?
Tuna tartar… although not literally.

Hot sexual position?
Depends on my mood, but girl-on-top… uh, is my dad gonna read this?

Hot schwag you bagged for free?
A $50,000 diamond ring from Sol Rafael—they just gave it to me, and no, I’m not engaged.

Hot celebrity baby?
Gwen Stefani’s — I love her.

Hot prescription drug?
Adderall, although that’s been around a while. I’m not saying I take it or anything.

What’s your fallback plan for when you inevitably lose your hotness?
I hope that I’ll be hot for a long time so I can make a lot of money and I can retire early and just travel. So, hopefully that will happen. (full interview)

Always nice to see that today’s ultra-privileged youth aren’t losing their unbelievable sense of entitlement. It’s really an inspiration to us all to see an apple cheeked rich girl who has never wanted for anything in her life or ever shed a tear of disappointment, talk about retiring at the ripe old age of 30 to “just travel”. I usually tell that story to my “kids” to make them appreciate what they have. They get it. They just cry through the smiles and keep sowing the sneakers like good little workers.

Apparently, Kristin Cavallari is back together with her boyfriend Brody Jenner and they have been speaking out about their break up and all the rumored hook-ups that they had while on a break.

“It’s hard reading about it, your ex-boyfriend hanging out or hooking up with these other girls, it’s just like a stab in the back,” says Kristin adding,”I read that I was dating Joaquin Phoenix and I’ve never even met him.”

Jenner says he’s the one who made the first move towards reconciliation while Cavallari was shooting a film in Oklahoma. “While she was on set I was thinking about her… I hadn’t talked to her, we ended on very sour terms, I just kind of got over it, sucked it all up and texted her ‘I love you’ … her text message back was ‘beep you!’” (source)

I never saw the show these to were on, so I have no idea why either of them are famous. I can only assume that the show consisted of beautiful teens having typical teen angst (Hummer or Range Rover?) and partying in bikinis all the time then calling their daddies to bail them out of a murder or a rape every now and again. Those silly kids!

Nick Lachey seems to making his rounds. First he was rumored with wife Jessica’s assistant CaCee Cobb, then Miss Kentucky Lizzie Arnold, and then his brother Drew’s dancing partner Cheryl Burke. Now it appears that he is going after the teen heat, because he was recently spotted with Laguna Beach (star?) Kristin Cavalleri.

Page Six calls it a match made in Reality TV hell.

The item claims “Newlyweds” hubby Nick Lachey is hooking up with “Laguna Beach” babe Kristin Cavalleri. The swingin’ single ex of Jessica Simpson introduced his mother to bubbly blonde Cavalleri last week over dinner at Palomino in Westwood, Calif., tattles an eatery insider.

Lachey had previously enjoyed some rebound relief with buxom Miss Kentucky Elizabeth Ann Arnold, while Cavalleri had been dating former Olympian Bruce Jenner’s son, Brody.

I made that reference to star above because I don’t really believe that Laguna Beach was a reality show at all; it was completely scripted. I also use the the term star very loosely, because the only reason Kristin is famous is because she is a whiny rich bitch, from Southern California. I never watched Laguna Beach except for the times it was on mute in the background while I was throwing one on my world famous cocktail parties at Mercer House in Savannah. I would have turned it off but I couldn’t hold the mirror and the rolled up $100.00 bill steady for the naked strippers and work the remote. Jesus. I’m only human.