Last night on the CMA’s Kellie Pickler broke down and cried like a little girl during a song she wrote about her deadbeat mother who apparently abandoned her when Kellie was 2. Why was I watching the CMA’s is anybody’s guess.

Oh, I hear the weather’s nice in California,” the former American Idol finalist sang at the end of the song, as the tears began to fall down her cheeks. “And just in case you’re wondering about me/ From now on I won’t be in Carolina/ Your little girl is off to Tennessee.”

Pickler’s mother, Cynthia Malone, has said that she was forced to leave her child because of an abusive relationship with her then-husband. “I knew God had to have a purpose for [Kellie] because there was too many times I would have miscarried because of all the hitting and beating on my stomach,” Malone told the Charlotte Observer in July. (source)

Leave it to a red neck whore to blame her troubles on the 2 year old kid she left in the pickled egg aisle at Piggly Wiggly so she could take off with her “real cowboy”. Horton sat on his egg the whole time, bitch. We know know this ends. The amazing thing about this sad story is that Kellie has a huge rack so once I put the CMA’s on mute and pulled my pants down the whole scene played out a lot better. I’m pretty sure those were tears of joy. And amazement!

Kellie Pickler was the very image of the sexy southern woman at this year’s CMA awards. She’s got a fake tan, fake tits, fake eyelashes and a false sense of security. a string of pearls and cheatin’ heart and I just might fall in love with her. That said, she’s pretty hot and rack is amazing but she still has busted up teeth. Which means she’d probably let you hit it after a few beers if the lift kit on your truck was high enough. Ever notice how when a chick gets her teeth done everything changes? I never realized there was so much empowerment in those little white veneers. Chicks get all uppity and want to “not do anal” and “go to fancy restaurants” and “give the the cosmetic dentist blowjobs” on my couch while I’m out working my ass of to pay those god damn teeth. Britney Spears has perfect teeth. Coincidence? I THINK NOT.

Links, sugar.

• How to drive like an asshole. Or “How to be from Massachusetts” (Crave)
• Revenge is sweet. And cold. (College Humor)
• Britney got the clap…in her eye. Whore. (Yeeeah)
• Britney Spears is fucking lady, bitches. (Allie)
• Kat Von D’s vagina. Whoever the fuck that is. (Drunken Stepfather)
• Eva Mendes will be mine bitches. (Bastardly)
• Paris Hilton. Stupid Rich Whore Philanthropist. (IBBB)
• Laura Weston is smoking hot, mate. (FHM)
• J-LO-Hew gots some big ass tit-tays. (Notorious)

God. Damn.

I know I’ve been harsh on Kellie Pickler before, and I ‘ve probably said some mean things about her like how she’s not the sharpest tool in the shed, but I take all that back. Nothing says remorse like rescinding a recent vituperation because a chick got a giant rack. Oh, they’re probably fake. What am I, some kind of critical bitch? No. No I am not.

Actually she looks pretty hot here. Her dress is sexy, yet elegant and her hair is really cute; which is in stark contrast to when she first debuted those melons on American Idol earlier this season with the Tanya Tucker hair. You don’t want Tanya Tucker hair. Tanya Tucker put the whore in country whore. The point? Big tits are no good if you look like chick that Glen Campbell used ride like a rhinestone cowboy. There’s a cancellation effect. It has to do with some high level physics. And Jim Beam and white crosses. More Kellie:

Not much going on today and I feel like Nick Nolte. Meaning I’m probably drunk and I can’t stop saying “Aw Hell” when someone asks me for something. (Yes that’s a P.O. rip, but it’s the truth). It’s way better than Danny Glover days when “I’m getting too old for this shi….” Digressing. Here are some pictures of Michelle Heaton in a bikini. She’s famous in Britain for something, which means nobody’s ever heard of her. But I’m sure there’s a stripper working the buffet lunch shift at some pub in E. London with tears of motherly pride welling in her tired mascara laden eyes. Or maybe it’s just the smoke. Wiki use at you’re own risk pedia has this:

A former student of Emmanuel College in Gateshead, Heaton began her singing career in the band Sirens with other girls from the north east of England. She rose to fame when she took part in the ITV reality television show Popstars. Heaton reached the final ten but was not selected for the five member band Hear’Say. Soon after, she and the other four unsuccessful applicants formed Liberty X, signing a record deal with Virgin Records. (source)

Popstars was the British inspiration for American Idol. This chick got 5th place. Fifth. Place. Normally, Americans can take anything British and make it ten times more effective and BODACIOUS. Cars? Way better on the right side and the hemi? COME ON. Democracy? Totally sexier in our 3 branched system. Plus. NO WIGS. Fish & Chips? Try it in Boston with Sam Adams, limey. Poverty and lack of healthcare for the poor? That’s shit’s pervasive here, man. BOOOYAH. Wait. ANYWAY.

It looks the Brit’s came in it to win it, got their game faces on and spent some quality time on the selection process for Popstars. Which is more than I cansay for how we did it here for Idol. Or else 5th place would look like this and not Bucky Covington. Bless his heart.

Oh. I mean me, not them. American Idol was on last night and I stopped watching after 85 seconds because it was guy’s night. (Although one of those dudes could definitely make it at a tranny strip club with a 2 inch piece of duct tape) Point is, American Idol is not a singing contest; it’s a humiliation and degradation contest meant to amuse the American public and destroy young psyches. Which is cool by me, we need to weed out the chaff and the rabble. And we need more slutty girls to post pictures of their friends online out of vicious jealousy. Speaking chaff and rabble here are some shots of Antonella Barba and Kellie Pickler with her new breast implants to warm you up for Ladies night. I threw in one of Katharine McPhee, because, damn I miss her.

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