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Last night on the CMA’s Kellie Pickler broke down and cried like a little girl during a song she wrote about her deadbeat mother who apparently abandoned her when Kellie was 2. Why was I watching the CMA’s is anybody’s guess.

Oh, I hear the weather’s nice in California,” the former American Idol finalist sang at the end of the song, as the tears began to fall down her cheeks. “And just in case you’re wondering about me/ From now on I won’t be in Carolina/ Your little girl is off to Tennessee.”

Pickler’s mother, Cynthia Malone, has said that she was forced to leave her child because of an abusive relationship with her then-husband. “I knew God had to have a purpose for [Kellie] because there was too many times I would have miscarried because of all the hitting and beating on my stomach,” Malone told the Charlotte Observer in July. (source)

Leave it to a red neck whore to blame her troubles on the 2 year old kid she left in the pickled egg aisle at Piggly Wiggly so she could take off with her “real cowboy”. Horton sat on his egg the whole time, bitch. We know know this ends. The amazing thing about this sad story is that Kellie has a huge rack so once I put the CMA’s on mute and pulled my pants down the whole scene played out a lot better. I’m pretty sure those were tears of joy. And amazement!

Kellie Pickler was the very image of the sexy southern woman at this year’s CMA awards. She’s got a fake tan, fake tits, fake eyelashes and a false sense of security. a string of pearls and cheatin’ heart and I just might fall in love with her. That said, she’s pretty hot and rack is amazing but she still has busted up teeth. Which means she’d probably let you hit it after a few beers if the lift kit on your truck was high enough. Ever notice how when a chick gets her teeth done everything changes? I never realized there was so much empowerment in those little white veneers. Chicks get all uppity and want to “not do anal” and “go to fancy restaurants” and “give the the cosmetic dentist blowjobs” on my couch while I’m out working my ass of to pay those god damn teeth. Britney Spears has perfect teeth. Coincidence? I THINK NOT.

Links, sugar.

• How to drive like an asshole. Or “How to be from Massachusetts” (Crave)
• Revenge is sweet. And cold. (College Humor)
• Britney got the clap…in her eye. Whore. (Yeeeah)
• Britney Spears is fucking lady, bitches. (Allie)
• Kat Von D’s vagina. Whoever the fuck that is. (Drunken Stepfather)
• Eva Mendes will be mine bitches. (Bastardly)
• Paris Hilton. Stupid Rich Whore Philanthropist. (IBBB)
• Laura Weston is smoking hot, mate. (FHM)
• J-LO-Hew gots some big ass tit-tays. (Notorious)

God. Damn.

I know I’ve been harsh on Kellie Pickler before, and I ‘ve probably said some mean things about her like how she’s not the sharpest tool in the shed, but I take all that back. Nothing says remorse like rescinding a recent vituperation because a chick got a giant rack. Oh, they’re probably fake. What am I, some kind of critical bitch? No. No I am not.

Actually she looks pretty hot here. Her dress is sexy, yet elegant and her hair is really cute; which is in stark contrast to when she first debuted those melons on American Idol earlier this season with the Tanya Tucker hair. You don’t want Tanya Tucker hair. Tanya Tucker put the whore in country whore. The point? Big tits are no good if you look like chick that Glen Campbell used ride like a rhinestone cowboy. There’s a cancellation effect. It has to do with some high level physics. And Jim Beam and white crosses. More Kellie:

Not much going on today and I feel like Nick Nolte. Meaning I’m probably drunk and I can’t stop saying “Aw Hell” when someone asks me for something. (Yes that’s a P.O. rip, but it’s the truth). It’s way better than Danny Glover days when “I’m getting too old for this shi….” Digressing. Here are some pictures of Michelle Heaton in a bikini. She’s famous in Britain for something, which means nobody’s ever heard of her. But I’m sure there’s a stripper working the buffet lunch shift at some pub in E. London with tears of motherly pride welling in her tired mascara laden eyes. Or maybe it’s just the smoke. Wiki use at you’re own risk pedia has this:

A former student of Emmanuel College in Gateshead, Heaton began her singing career in the band Sirens with other girls from the north east of England. She rose to fame when she took part in the ITV reality television show Popstars. Heaton reached the final ten but was not selected for the five member band Hear’Say. Soon after, she and the other four unsuccessful applicants formed Liberty X, signing a record deal with Virgin Records. (source)

Popstars was the British inspiration for American Idol. This chick got 5th place. Fifth. Place. Normally, Americans can take anything British and make it ten times more effective and BODACIOUS. Cars? Way better on the right side and the hemi? COME ON. Democracy? Totally sexier in our 3 branched system. Plus. NO WIGS. Fish & Chips? Try it in Boston with Sam Adams, limey. Poverty and lack of healthcare for the poor? That’s shit’s pervasive here, man. BOOOYAH. Wait. ANYWAY.

It looks the Brit’s came in it to win it, got their game faces on and spent some quality time on the selection process for Popstars. Which is more than I cansay for how we did it here for Idol. Or else 5th place would look like this and not Bucky Covington. Bless his heart.

Oh. I mean me, not them. American Idol was on last night and I stopped watching after 85 seconds because it was guy’s night. (Although one of those dudes could definitely make it at a tranny strip club with a 2 inch piece of duct tape) Point is, American Idol is not a singing contest; it’s a humiliation and degradation contest meant to amuse the American public and destroy young psyches. Which is cool by me, we need to weed out the chaff and the rabble. And we need more slutty girls to post pictures of their friends online out of vicious jealousy. Speaking chaff and rabble here are some shots of Antonella Barba and Kellie Pickler with her new breast implants to warm you up for Ladies night. I threw in one of Katharine McPhee, because, damn I miss her.

Check out the poll and vote.

Kellie Pickler appeared on American Idol last night sporting a new look to the amazement of everyone.

Hmm. What is it about Kellie that’s different? Is it her hair? No. Hrm. Oh, maybe she got her teeth whitened? No. Maybe a tan? Nah. She’s still kinda pasty. New nail polish? WHAT IS IT?

Pickler stopped by the ratings juggernaut to perform her new single in a dress that showed off two very large assets suspiciously absent from last year’s show.

Her transformation was so apparent, even Ryan Seacrest noticed. When she appeared on stage, he looked at her new figure, then asked her if there was anything she’d bought with her recent cash windfall. (Once the snickering died down, a giggling Pickler …replied “shoes.”) (source)

Ooooooh. The Bigasstitties. That’s it. How obtuse of me. I could probably do a side-by-side comparison with graphs and charts all CSI style, but nobody really cares about seeing a hick with small boobies now do they? Yeah they’re fake but this country was built on the premise that anyone, no matter how insignificant, can make their dreams come true if the they have a little moxie, a little faith, a little luck and a big ass rack of DD’s. Amen.

More Kellie and one of Antonella Barba, so I can pay rent this month. Totally related.

Yeah, well sorry about the link post but, it’ll have to do for a few hours while I figure out how hack the new server we’re on. Can’t really say much, but I think I figured out that we’re all really asleep. I’ll get back to you on that. Speaking of getting back. I heard from Emily and and she’s still at it. She said she was on vacation, but I think she started some kind of underground sexual fight club for FB&C. Lately, recently injured strangers are calling me sir on the street and giving me the good tables in restaurants.  I hope that I’m not really a chick who does battle with her foes at night. Where would I put my elephant like penis? Maybe that’s why my taint has duct tape burns. I gotta go. I think I need to have a little talk with “Miss Emily”.

• Alyson Hannigan multi-tasks. I can’t figure out if she’s cuter as Willow or Lily. Maybe if Lily was a witch? (Bastardly)
• Paris Hilton is no Bond girl. Beetlejuice girl? Maybe. (Yeeeah)
• Pamela Anderson on Jimmy Kimmel.  (Celebrity Smack)
• Katie Holmes spent 3K on lingerie. For whom, I wonder? (Subvert)
• Kellie Pickler was abused by her mommy. Yeah, well who wasn’t. We’ve all got scars sister. (I’m not obsessed)

Sweet. Two movie ref’s in one post. I rule. I know.

Kellie Pickler returned home this week to Albamarle NC driving a vintage 1968 Mustang according People Magazine’s website. She was greeted by thousands of fans plus a convicted felon: her daddy.

Pickler hadn’t seen her dad, Clyde “Bo” Pickler, in more than three years. He was just released after serving time in Florida State Prison for stabbing a fellow trailer park resident in 2003 and attempting to run down police who were in pursuit of him.

“Throughout my 19 years, I’ve had my ups and downs,” Pickler told the crowd as she shared the stage with her father, reports the Charlotte Observer. “I know a lot of people would think I’d have a lot of resentment toward this person, and I don’t. I feel blessed to have him back into my life.”

She added, “I’ve been prayerful when this person came back to Albemarle, he’d be given a second chance. We all make mistakes and we all learn from them.” To her father, she said, “I love you. And am so glad to have you back in my life.”

He said of Kellie, whom he hugged and lifted off the ground as his eyes welled up with tears: “It’s a God-sent blessing that she’s overcome what she has in her short life and all she’s accomplished, and I’m just extremely proud of what she’s done.” (source)

He went on to say how he would do his best to to not stab any more people in trailer parks, but if he did happen to stab someone he would do his best to make sure it wasn’t in a trailer park, maybe say, the mall or something, and he would try real hard to get away this time, because he wouldn’t want to see Kellie saddened again by his going back to prison.

In a statement released by Clyde Pickler, he told reporters that he doesn’t want to take credit for Kellie Pickler’s success. People had this:

American Idol castoff Kellie Pickler’s father was sprung from Florida State Prison on Monday after serving more than three years for stabbing a fellow resident of a trailer park in 2003.

Surrounded by reporters, Clyde “Bo” Pickler Jr., 41, said: “Being in the position I’ve been in, I can’t take any credit for what Kellie’s done. She’s accomplished a lot in her 19 years of life, and I’m extremely proud of her – I’m going to try and patch up a few burned bridges.” (story and image)

My dad told my mom that “he didn’t want to take credit for me”, too, except he did it a month before the day I was born. My mom told my daddy was Jesus until I was twelve years old. I thought I was Hispanic until high school. Turns out, I’m Native American. Go Braves.
I’m sure “Bo” Pickler will be nothing but noble in his reconciliation with his daughter. I mean, what better way to show that you’re a down to earth dad just trying to have a normal relationship with your estranged (and newly famous) daughter than to call a press conference with your attorney the day you get out of jail to reach out? When asked about how she felt about her dad getting out of prison, Kellie had this to say:

“I’m always the last to find out,” she told the Post. “I don’t know when I’m going to see him … It’s been so long – I mean, where do you even begin?”

Well if it’s anything like the reconciliation I had with my dad, it’ll start with a couple a drinks down at the local bar and end with her waking up in a bathtub full of ice with a freshly sutured wound on her abdomen. He did leave a nice card, though. Not really.

In honor of Kellie Pickler’s dad, Clyde Pickler busting out of being set free from prison today, I’d like to launch a new feature for this site: Where in the World is Kellie Pickler? In the weeks to come we will present Kellie having fun and frolicking in a variety of situations to the amusement of all. First we’ll show you where she is, then as we progress, we’ll make it a little harder. We’ll give you clues and you’ll have to find her. We’ll have winners and prizes and shit so, it’ll be worth it to kill your day on an internet adventure. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry. You might just see some boobies. Stay tuned!

UPDATE!

Kellie Pickler Killed David Palmer! What would Jack Bauer do? (WWJBD?)