NSFW – Fatback Media

It’s Friday, y’all and that’s my time to show my internet love for my sexy blogger posse. We ride around in hoopties, flickin’ switches, rollin’ on twennifoes. It’s ah’ite, bitches.

• Kim “The Cougar” Catrall flashes some fur at a book signing. She’s come a long way since Mannequin. (Subvert)
• They’re back from Argentina with an Emmanuelle Chriqui spread that is sure to give you carpel tunnel. (Bastardly)
• Britney and her boobs head to Miami. (INO)
• Lindsay Lohan called Paris a cunt. Isn’t that like a spade calling a spade a fucking shovel? (Bricks and Stones)
• Jesus loves you. And he loves country music. And boobies. (Drunken Stepfather)
• Oscar movies have three things: They’re way too long, a dude has to cry, and the good guys die. Oscar, say hello to “Babel”. (Pajiba)
• Kate Beckinsale and Luke Wilson are haters. O.R. They? (Yeeeah)
• Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes wedding news! Who cares? (Glitterati)

Tom Cruise worries Katie is a fat, fat water rat and she should spend her days in the gym rather than nursing and coddling their wonder daughter, Suri. Lazy.

It seems Tom Cruise has a new mission these days — helping Katie Holmes reclaim her former hardbodied physique. According to sources close to the couple, Tom has become “very concerned” about her appearance these days, and has become directly involved with Katie’s workout regimen as a result.

According to sources, Tom is willing to do whatever it takes so his bride-to-be “looks the best that she can walking next to him down the aisle.”

In addition to joining her strenuous workout sessions, Tom also makes sure that Katie’s strict workout schedule is not interrupted by personally booking babysitters for the kids. (source)

So, Tom will do whatever it takes for Katie to look her best, which I’ll bet includes fellating summoning the spirits of the beyond to purge Katie’s body of the wicked toxins causing her slow weight loss after SHE JUST HAD A BABY. Damnit Katie! Why can’t you be a super-human, omnipresent phenomenon like your future husband? Lazy bitch.Tom Cruise for President Galactic Emperor2008 and beyond. I like how Katie is 90 lbs in that picture but she needs to lose weight. What a fat, fatty.

Afternoon links futhatass.

Melissa Joan Hart bewitchingly getting back into MILFilicious shape. Clarissa is almost back in action kids. (The Bastardly)

Terrell Owens tried to kill himself with pills like a little girl. Pussy. (Bumpshack)

Screech made a Sex Tape with a Dirty Sanchez money shot. Fucking amatuer. (College Humor)

Jesus told me that Oprah was gay. Jesus loves me, so I know it’s true. (Drunken Stepfather)

Brad Pitt will NOT be replacing tom Cruise in MI:IV. The part of Ethan Hunt will be played by Jason Dohring. Conspiracy? (Yes. I made that up) (Smart)

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes trying to keep a low profile while eating out at the MOST PHOTOGRAPHED RESTAURANT in LA. They’re sinister! (INO)

Kate Moss and Pete Doherty [insert drugs here] and then [drug usage here] followed by copius [drugs]. CRACK! (Yeeeah)

So late last night while the world slept I was working for you people. I was busy bringing you the hottest story of the day/week/month. Many Bothans died for this information. Well not really. Some person emails me this shit while I sleep off the red wine buzz.

“I was overjoyed in being pregnant,” she said, “and then had to withstand ridicule about my pregnancy when it was the most normal, non-controversial thing imaginable.”

Of speculation in the press, Holmes says: “All those things were invented.”

So it’s official. Suri Cruise is a real live 3 year old Asian kid with blue eyes and a 1970’s haircut. Is it me or does Suri have eyes like that baby at the end of 2001: A Space Odyssey?

Suri Cruise: “You are all doomed…”