NSFW - Fatback Media

Katie Holmes is pissed. New York Post reports that a young virgin has changed her name to Katee Holmes and will be starting a porn career, in which she will lose her virginity in her first film. Get it? Katie, Katee? Duh.

“It’s a really cheap shot,” a rep for the actress, who’s married to Tom Cruise, told Page Six. But Shy Love, an adult film vet who manages the 5-foot-9, 122-pound Katee - a small-town girl from Illinois - insisted: “Katee is using the name as a tribute to Katie, who has always portrayed an innocence in everything she’s done, beginning with ‘Dawson’s Creek.’ ”

“I know it’s pretty extreme to lose my virginity on camera, but I like the fulfillment and excitement I get from watching porn, so I figured [a movie] was the best place for me to lose it,” the not-that-innocent Katee said. “How many people wished they could relive their first experience, if not to remember it but to learn from it, right?” (source)

Man, what a whore. But guys love whores. I think they’re taken aside at an early age and shown cheap porn mags like Cheri, or Oui, forever conditioning them to hit on the cheapest, sluttiest girl in the bar. That being said, it’s like Katee stole the idea right out of my goddamned head. No doubt you will be lined up to see this nubile, young thing lose her love flower, wishing you were the one giving her the bulging love stick. What the fuck did I just say? Anyway, instead, you are crying, realizing you just lost your virginity to the 19 year-old hag babysitter who punched you in the face as she called you the wrong name. Then she made you get her McDonalds. Sucked to be you. Loser. More Katee. I mean Katie. I mean Kate.

Jennifer Lopez is considering the doctrine of Scientology to help her conceive. Superhot Socialite’s Life has the deets…

The MAID IN MANHATTAN star, who recently attended the Italian wedding of top celebrity Scientologist TOM CRUISE, is reportedly taking tips from actress LEAH REMINI, who used the religion’s doctrines when she was trying to conceive her first child. According to American publication Life + Style, Lopez became interested in Scientology when Remini confided in her that the religion helped her conceive. An insider tells the publication, “She’s starting to understand the cleansing process. It’s all about putting the positive energy where you want it.” The source insists Lopez and her husband MARC ANTHONY are unlikely to join the church because he’s a devout Catholic, but “he’s willing to let Jen do what she needs to make things happen.” (From Contact Music Via source)

I think Mark Anthony may not want to join Scientology because they may find out that he made his way into this world by punching a hole through someone’s chest and crawling out. I’ve seen prettier faces on medical cadavers. Eeek. I don’t “get” Scientology. I usually cleanse myself with the positive energy of a strappy pair of Jimmy Choos and a deep tissue massage (with release) using a stolen credit card.  But not yours. We’re friends like that.
 

Yeah, well sorry about the link post but, it’ll have to do for a few hours while I figure out how hack the new server we’re on. Can’t really say much, but I think I figured out that we’re all really asleep. I’ll get back to you on that. Speaking of getting back. I heard from Emily and and she’s still at it. She said she was on vacation, but I think she started some kind of underground sexual fight club for FB&C. Lately, recently injured strangers are calling me sir on the street and giving me the good tables in restaurants.  I hope that I’m not really a chick who does battle with her foes at night. Where would I put my elephant like penis? Maybe that’s why my taint has duct tape burns. I gotta go. I think I need to have a little talk with “Miss Emily”.

• Alyson Hannigan multi-tasks. I can’t figure out if she’s cuter as Willow or Lily. Maybe if Lily was a witch? (Bastardly)
• Paris Hilton is no Bond girl. Beetlejuice girl? Maybe. (Yeeeah)
• Pamela Anderson on Jimmy Kimmel.  (Celebrity Smack)
• Katie Holmes spent 3K on lingerie. For whom, I wonder? (Subvert)
• Kellie Pickler was abused by her mommy. Yeah, well who wasn’t. We’ve all got scars sister. (I’m not obsessed)

Sweet. Two movie ref’s in one post. I rule. I know.

Hey y’all, we’re gathering up all the hotness for the day for you. And by we, I mean Emily’s on a vacation/mission to corrupt the youth of this country so it’s just me scanning the trades for breaking news, slipped nips, sex tapes or divorces. Sadly the entire internet has beat me to the punch, so here are the top stories.

• Bastardly Hot or Not victim Amy Paffrath lashes back in her myspace at the Bastardly for her rating. We think you’re you’re cute as a button Amy, plus you went to school down south so you get a big ole FB&C holla! (Bastardly)
• Katie Holmes about to experience real Cruise Control: marriage. (Glitterati)
• The line that launched a 1000 internet empires, “Britney Spears Sex Tape” is now true. Too little too late? (Yeeeah)
• Ellen Pompeo is getting married to…yaaaawn. What? Oh. (Bumpshack)
• It’s a sad world when an upskirt shot can make you feel like this. (Celebrity Smack)
• Jennifer Love Hewwit’s thong has nothing to do with the greatest of Jesus. (Drunken Stepfather)

In case you’re wondering that image is Amy Paffrath at an event. Google images told me so. And they’re right 10¹⁰⁰% of time. Get it? Nerd.

It’s Friday, y’all and that’s my time to show my internet love for my sexy blogger posse. We ride around in hoopties, flickin’ switches, rollin’ on twennifoes. It’s ah’ite, bitches.

• Kim “The Cougar” Catrall flashes some fur at a book signing. She’s come a long way since Mannequin. (Subvert)
• They’re back from Argentina with an Emmanuelle Chriqui spread that is sure to give you carpel tunnel. (Bastardly)
• Britney and her boobs head to Miami. (INO)
• Lindsay Lohan called Paris a cunt. Isn’t that like a spade calling a spade a fucking shovel? (Bricks and Stones)
• Jesus loves you. And he loves country music. And boobies. (Drunken Stepfather)
• Oscar movies have three things: They’re way too long, a dude has to cry, and the good guys die. Oscar, say hello to “Babel”. (Pajiba)
• Kate Beckinsale and Luke Wilson are haters. O.R. They? (Yeeeah)
• Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes wedding news! Who cares? (Glitterati)

Tom Cruise worries Katie is a fat, fat water rat and she should spend her days in the gym rather than nursing and coddling their wonder daughter, Suri. Lazy.

It seems Tom Cruise has a new mission these days — helping Katie Holmes reclaim her former hardbodied physique. According to sources close to the couple, Tom has become “very concerned” about her appearance these days, and has become directly involved with Katie’s workout regimen as a result.

According to sources, Tom is willing to do whatever it takes so his bride-to-be “looks the best that she can walking next to him down the aisle.”

In addition to joining her strenuous workout sessions, Tom also makes sure that Katie’s strict workout schedule is not interrupted by personally booking babysitters for the kids. (source)

So, Tom will do whatever it takes for Katie to look her best, which I’ll bet includes fellating summoning the spirits of the beyond to purge Katie’s body of the wicked toxins causing her slow weight loss after SHE JUST HAD A BABY. Damnit Katie! Why can’t you be a super-human, omnipresent phenomenon like your future husband? Lazy bitch.Tom Cruise for President Galactic Emperor2008 and beyond. I like how Katie is 90 lbs in that picture but she needs to lose weight. What a fat, fatty.

Afternoon links futhatass.

Melissa Joan Hart bewitchingly getting back into MILFilicious shape. Clarissa is almost back in action kids. (The Bastardly)

Terrell Owens tried to kill himself with pills like a little girl. Pussy. (Bumpshack)

Screech made a Sex Tape with a Dirty Sanchez money shot. Fucking amatuer. (College Humor)

Jesus told me that Oprah was gay. Jesus loves me, so I know it’s true. (Drunken Stepfather)

Brad Pitt will NOT be replacing tom Cruise in MI:IV. The part of Ethan Hunt will be played by Jason Dohring. Conspiracy? (Yes. I made that up) (Smart)

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes trying to keep a low profile while eating out at the MOST PHOTOGRAPHED RESTAURANT in LA. They’re sinister! (INO)

Kate Moss and Pete Doherty [insert drugs here] and then [drug usage here] followed by copius [drugs]. CRACK! (Yeeeah)

So late last night while the world slept I was working for you people. I was busy bringing you the hottest story of the day/week/month. Many Bothans died for this information. Well not really. Some person emails me this shit while I sleep off the red wine buzz.

“I was overjoyed in being pregnant,” she said, “and then had to withstand ridicule about my pregnancy when it was the most normal, non-controversial thing imaginable.”

Of speculation in the press, Holmes says: “All those things were invented.”

So it’s official. Suri Cruise is a real live 3 year old Asian kid with blue eyes and a 1970’s haircut. Is it me or does Suri have eyes like that baby at the end of 2001: A Space Odyssey?

Suri Cruise: “You are all doomed…”

Did Tom Cruise get to Matt Lauer? Well not really. (Attorneys, put down the cease and desist) But he did recently defend Tom Cruise. Cruise who was recently fired by Paramount for being a lunatic erratic behavior, found an unlikley champion in Matt Lauer.

“You know what, I have to say something. You talk about erratic behavior and things like that affecting the box-office and yes maybe he jumped on a couch, and I was in the middle of one of those episodes here on the Today show and maybe he speaks out about Scientology and some people don’t like that.”

“But what about the stars who are in and out of rehab every week? Is that any worse? And yet you find movie companies still in business with them. So, this is all a strange world we live in.” (source)

So is Matt drinking the Kool-Aid? Or, is he just a swell guy? You decide while looking at Tom Cruise’s wife naked. Here’s Kate, then known as Katie Holmes, hot off the Dawson’s Creek and frontally nude in the The Gift. (NSFW of course)

Sexy firecracker Leah Remini of The King of Queens has reportedly seen the made-up elusive Suri Cruise at the home of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes.

“She’s a beaming baby,” Remini tells PEOPLE in its new issue. “She looks like Tom and Katie. She’s just beautiful.”

As for Suri’s folks, Cruise is “one of those doting dads,” says Remini, who, like Cruise and Holmes, is a Scientologist. Holmes looks “beautiful – I’m jealous of her. She bounced right back.”(source)

Leah Remini has always been scary hot to me. And by that I mean you would live in fear if you dated her. Like if you spilled a drink in her tinted down Mitsubishi Eclipse she’d stab you in the kidney with a butterfly knife and leave you by the beach to bleed out. But it would be totally worth it.