NSFW – Fatback Media

“Oh you gatherer of the fine ash of poetry…”

Today’s lesson is a deconstruction of K-fed’s (nee Kevin Federline) aka pimp dawg lady-killah’s newest work entitled “Today I’m a free man” Let’s have a look.

Today I’m a free man
Ladies look out

K. Federline

Fuck a wife
Give me my kids Bitch!

In line 1, Today I’m a free man , K-Fed brilliantly asserts his freedom as a new bachelor. In one insanely angled Sharpie stroke he is at once declaring his independence from his spousal obligations and declaring a phoenix like renaissance of, not K-Fed the groom, but K-Fed the free man – the true player. Does he revel in this glorious victory? Not K-Fed. Ever the modest example of chivalry, he moves on to a mild warning.

Line 2. Ladies look out. Many may possibly equate this sly prose as a veiled threat of sexual assault that involves a long night of drinking, poorly constructed raps and a “roofie”. I think our writer has chosen the figurative rather than the literal here.

Line3. Just when you thought your mind couldn’t be blown any harder, K-Fed scoops up your brains packs them back in your feeble skull and blows them right out of the back of your head. Again. You were expecting another line of poetry. Bam! Signature. Well played.

Line 4,5. Not to be denied the post script, K-Fed, still gaining momentum lets loose a primordial rage that has lived inside of man since the dawn of time. Fuck a wife. The double-entendre rocks you like the proverbial hurricane. And just to add some wind, he lets loose a tsunami: Give me my kids bitch. The interpretation of this line will have scholars perplexed for decades. Who is the bitch and whose kids does he want? Britney? Shar Jackson? Your sister? We may never know. K-Fed you’ve done it again. Bravo.

(Source)

Britney Spears officially filed for divorce from Kevin Federline yesterday after appearing on the David Letterman show the night before looking extremely fit.

TMZ obtained the legal papers, filed today in Los Angeles County Superior Court, citing “irreconcilable differences.” In her petition, Spears asks for both legal and physical custody of the couple’s two children, one-year old Sean Preston and two-month old Jayden James, with Federline getting reasonable visitation rights.

As for money, sources tell TMZ the couple, who married in Oct. 2004, has an iron-clad prenup. Not surprisingly, Spears is waiving her right to spousal support. She’s also asking the judge to make each party pay their own attorney’s fees. (source)

When I heard this I thought it wasn’t real. Like on Christmas morning when you were 10 and you walked into the den – still rubbing your eyes and tired – but instead of a half a carton of Kool Menthols and a pack of Steakum, you see that shiny new bike you asked Santa for at the mall. Then you wake up because it was all dream. So, you just go have a smoke and breakfast sammie and cry all day. It’s like that, except this time the bad man really is going away. I guess I could have posted the official divorce document like everyone else, but you legal eagles have probably already seen that. Plus, It’s kind of hard to get excited about a legal filing when you can stare at Britney’s huge rack.

UPDATE: A dirty, dirty reader sent me a link to the alleged Britney Spears Sex Tape. This link is NSFW, meaning prepare to get fired if you click it from work. Britney Sex Tape?

It had to happen. TV’s top rated show CSI, has buckled under network pressure and will featuring “big name” guests this season in an effort to…what? Become the Top-Top rated show on TV? Guests like Kevin Federline, John Mayer and Danny Bonaduce will be peppered in guest slots through out the season just in time to promote their album/talk show/project du jour. Coincidence? I’d bet my leather Fonzie jacket that it’s not. Here’s what People had to say about Federline’s appearance.

“This is pretty much my first time acting. It’s the first time I’ve actually had a speaking role.” He adds that the offer came about quickly. “I was doing stuff for the Teen Choice Awards,” he says, “and got the call while we were rehearsing and I pissed in my pants! I was excited right off the bat. It’s the only show that I really, really watch.”

Federline, 28, started shooting his part in Los Angeles on Thursday night. He will play a menacing, arrogant teen who harasses investigators Nick Stokes (George Eads) and Warrick Brown (Gary Dourdan) on a job. The episode is tentatively scheduled to air in October. (source)

CSI is show that should have never made it, but somehow it works. There is a lot suspension of disbelief involved, what with all the exposition between supposed CSI experts and don’t get me started on the computers. I worked at a crime lab during undergrad as an intern and the computers they had in 2002-2003 were green screen dinosaurs circa 1970 that would make a Commodore 64 look a Multi cluster supercomputer. We certainly didn’t have Flash animated criminal record searches or DNA results in mere hours. But hey that was way back three years ago. I’m sure all CSI’s now get Hummers and silk shirts. Now if you’ll excuse me I need to investigate Sofia Milos’ criminal rack. That last one has a bit of a NSFW-ish nip-slip.

Britney Spears has reportedly hired a professional “Christian Life Coach” to help her make a decision about her marriage to Kevin Federline. The move was reportedly suggested by friends and family who are trying to get her to end her marriage to a illlerate, dirty unshaven wigger.

Us Weekly is calling it ‘The Final Days’ and reports Brit’s family is putting on the pressure. “Apparently, they’ve even hired a Christian life coach to help make that decision,” Us Weekly’s Katrina Szich revealed to Extra TV.

“We’re hearing that Britney is very emotional, and she’s crying all the time,” revealed Katrina. “Our sources tell us she will file for divorce eventually.”(source)

I think it’s a good move, because a Kaballah Life Coach just sounds scary. But, I’m not really sure if the “Christian Life Coach” is a “Christian” Life Coach or a “Christian Life” Coach. It’s extremely important to find out that kind of stuff ahead of time. I had a really bad experience with a Male Intimacy Coach that one time.

Share the naked celebrity goodness, y'all!

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