NSFW – Fatback Media

Looks like half the internet is down today kids. Or at least all the blogs I read anyway. We’ve even had a hiccup or two on our grid, but I rappelled into the server banks and silently dispatched the cyber-terrorist network with only 1 second left on the bomb. I was back in time to post and have a 3 dirty martini lunch, too. Read the lines. Click the links. Can’t stop the signal.

• White girl gangsta bitch, keepin’ it real. (BWE)
• K-Fed and Brit-Mom rally to save Brit-666. (Bumpshack)
• March Madness means more college girl boobies. (CH)
• Naomi Campbell mops floors. She better get the bathroom too. (Gossip or Truth)
• Brooke Hogan is a gangsta bitch. Better not get outta pocket, ho. (Jordan)
• Tom Brady still dating Giselle. Bridget Moynahan still knocked up. (Holly Scoop)

Just so you don’t get bored here’s a newly redheaded Lindsay Lohan fresh out of rehab and apparently ready to entertain you with an assortment of songs and magic.

So I’m back. I know most of you have been weeping a silent requiem for us since we were ghosted into the machine by the always supportive Godaddy.com and a hot Russian chick named Tatyana. I assume she’s hot because she’s Russian and all Russian women who work for nudey magazines are hot. Anyway, Godaddy’s inability to hold their virtual liquor, notwithstanding (They disabled my database during peak time because the load was crashing their datacenter. Pussies.), someone complained about some images that I had on the site. And well, Godaddy did what is does best, tucked their tail and shut down the site without even a warning or giving me a chance to rectify the situation. I won’t go into all the details, but needless to say I moved to a new server and host and we should be five-by-five now. During the migration and the upgrades some hinkey things happened with the images on the single pages so I’ll either fix those or just leave them. OH, BTW. I invited Tatyana (the chick from the popular Men’s Magazine) to a Gmail account and asked if she would send me some royalty free topless photos of herself to post in place of the ones I had to delete. I’ll keep you posted. Thanks to all you hard core muthafuckas who helped me get back up and running and to all of you who sent in topless photos to ease my pain. Except that one dude with the three(?) nipples. Just weird man.

Spread ther greasy fatback love, y’all.

• Dita Von Teese sloppy cleavage from Jesus himself. (DS)
• Kelly Hu’s on first. With a see-thru top. ZING! (Subvert)
• April Scott in lingerie. Why doesn’t that rhyme with fingery? (Bastardly)
• Kurt Cobain was a shitty dad for about 2 seconds then he blew his brains out. Quitter. (Yeeeah)
• Scarlett Johansson is still hot. (Allie is wired sexy)
• K-Fed is crafty. Like Cheddar Cheese. (Cele|bitchy)
• Speaking of boobies. (College Humor)
• Check  out the CELEBRITY SEARCH ENGINE  (QuiteFamo.us)

In a recent statement taken by voraciously ethical and truthful gossip reporters, Kevin Federline alleges he is indeed a family man. At present, a team of linguists are still working to determine the definition of family. Is it a nuclear unit of humans that live together in a nurturing stable environment, or a trail of white trash spawn, abandoned and forgotten like puppies in the river? We may never know.

Kevin Federline wants you to know that he’s not 100 percent pimp. In an interview with E! News, he claims, “I am a family man and that is me, that is the truth, that is in all honesty.” (source)

Kevin Federline isn’t fit to care for a lump of coal, let alone anything that breathes and requires food. Between Britney and Kevin, it’s a wonder Sean and Jayden haven’t worked out a plan to escape that involves a marbles, a makeshift ladder, a cell phone, the family dog and dressing up in little tuxedos while playing musical instruments. Babies in tuxedos are cute!

So what does Kristen Bell have to do with Britney and Kevin? Nothing. She’s just so cute it makes me giggle.

Emily here y’all. Fatback is down south this week stirring up some news and corrupting sorority girls with his southern charm. Reports are spinning that Britney Spears has plans to release a homemade sex tape with soon-to-be ex-husband Kevin Federline in an effort to prevent Kevin from making profit from the sale.

The ‘Toxic’ singer was left fuming after Kevin reportedly threatened to sell the X-rated footage – which is said to feature the couple romping on their honeymoon – to online porn mogul David Hans Schmidt.
To prevent the former dancer from profiting from the footage, which could be worth up to £120 million, Britney has apparently made the decision to give it away for free.
Kevin, 28, allegedly offered the footage to Schmidt – who has been involved with several other celebrity sex tapes, including those of Colin Farrell and Paris Hilton – just a day after Britney filed for divorce.
Schmidt said: “Two days after Britney filed for divorce I was contacted by an individual who indicated he had a digital video of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline having sex.”
(source)

For some reason releasing a sex tape elevates one’s celebrity into a category of hot only attainable by Brazilian models with broken English and smiles that will kill a man before dessert. Or, conversely, it casts you down into the category of trashy blondes [somehow always relevant in the media] occupied by Pam Anderson, Tara Reid and Paris Hilton. Either way, you’re headlining movie night at the men’s correctional facility and a goddess to pimple-faced prurient pre-teens. Everyone has goals. Like my goal to trap swoon an aging Saudi Prince and become queen of my own Carribean Island. Dare to dream, Britney.

Update: Yeah, so it looks like the tape may be a hoax which saves me from accidentally running across it on PornoTube and having to gouge my own eyes out with a Williams-Sonoma soft-grip melon-baller. Ta!