NSFW - Fatback Media

In an interesting turn of events, K-Fed is giving Britney a good kick in the balls she’s grown. Don’t tell me she doesn’t have them. Any chick who shaves her head has a set hidden somewhere.

K-Fed Up should be his new moniker. He is sick and tired of his Ex’s stupidity and believes the kids would be better off with him. I say, good for him. Take your kids from the crazy bitch! Cracking into cars, giving the paparazzi crotch shots (which Fatback loves, ya know), and doing only god knows what the fuck all else, surely isn’t the example you want for your kids.

I never thought I would see the day when I thought K-Fed was a stand up parent, but hey, hell does freeze over occasionally it seems. ‘Course he could just be in it for the money.

As we first reported, K-Fed is going back to court asking for more custody of the kids. Federline just agreed to a 50/50 split. Then, he turned around almost immediately and filed papers asking for 70/30. So why such a sudden change of heart? (source)

It sucks that even in today’s courts you have judges who think the mother is the perfect one for the kids. Not so. Plenty of hot men out there who are excellent fathers. No, I have no clue what the fuck their hotness has to do with it, but damn, I like me some beefalicious daddy.

Alright, catch you later, got to recharge the batteries to the Venus.
These aren’t new, but neither is Britney Spears’ Schadenfruede.

Hey everybody, long time no see. Shooter here has been busy learning that coffee is for closers only (and that 2nd place is a set of steak knives). Since we last were able to waste 10 minutes out of the workday together, quite a bit has gone down. Between Paris getting sprung from the clink and LiLo deciding that it takes more than a month to kick your coke habit, I know you guys have missed me. I was going to start out with some comments on Chris Benoit, but I figured that might be a little hypocritical–after all, no one enjoys a good grocery bag/belt-noose combo around the neck like yours truly. So until a non-AA related story pops up, here’s a true story for you to enjoy:

A couple of Shooter’s pals were in Miami Beach this past weekend for a Bachelor Party. They were holed up in a bungalow at the Delano (Shooter’s boys don’t roll lightly) when, on the way to their pleasure palace, they spotted our old friend K-Fed. Apparently Kevin (that’s what he likes to be called now that he’s a serious actor for reals) didn’t appreciate being called out as a “D-list actor, everyone!” in front of the papparazzi, and he tried to regulate up in the bungalow. This story would have had a sad ending if Kevin had been able to retaliate, but the prolific baby daddy wasn’t allowed into the bungalow area.

I don’t bring this up to glorify my boys’ spending habits–while solid, they’re not Trump-level just yet. But I think the moral of the story is this: When you’re 2 forearm tattoos deep into an ill-conceived body art campaign, when your first baby momma has a tummy tuck and the second one looks like a goddamn yeti, and when you start getting denied access to hotels where any jerk with $300 and a towel around his waist can command the attention of any chick in the place, it’s time for you to realize that the clock of your 15 minutes of fame is reading 15:30.

Since Britney has jumped the shark, Paris says she’s found God (okay……..), and LiLo is trying to clean herself up, I think that this year’s crop of celebs is just entering their own. Move aside, old news. The new kids are here to stay. And with that, I give you these completely unrelated pics of the oh so sexy Rhianna. May her nipples breathe freely and her underwear be scarce.

Britney Spears is rumored to be reconciling with her ex-husband Kevin Federline, to the bewilderment of her close friends. Apparently, on her recent vacation she revealed that she was getting back together with K-Fed.

“When she was on vacation she was in the best mood she’s been in for ages, ” says an insider. “She confessed it was because she and Kevin are slowly moving towards getting back together…”

[T]ime has given the couple the opportunity to remember the good times they once shared. Now, each time Kevin drops off their sons Sean, 21 months, and Jayden, nine months, he stays for hours — and sometimes even overnight. (source)

So, K-Fed married Britney, fathered two children and bled her finances like a stuck pig for over 2 years. She divorced him for being a lying, cheating gold digger, left him with a multi million dollar settlement and now she wants to get back together with him. That makes perfect sense! Like episodes of CSI Miami. Those silly criminals always confessing without an attorney present in the bazillion dollar NASA-esque police station. When will they learn?

In a marketing ploy that could only have been thought up by a gang of bonged out monkeys, www.searchwithkevin.com is a new online search engine that allows users to “Search the internet with Kevin Federline!” By using the site you can win autographed K-Fed memorabilia, although sadly, used wife-beaters, uncreased Yankees hats, and gold chains aren’t being offered. The same company that came up with this idea is also behind a few new promotions that you might see in the coming weeks–”Pick up chicks with Pacman Jones”, “Needle safety with Pete Doherty”, and “Contraceptive use with Tom Brady”.

In the meantime, check out these pics of Alabama-bred hottie Courtney Cox. Sure, she played an eye-gougingly huge pain in the ass on TV, but she’s still a smoking-hot MILF and a potential cougar rolled into one. Enjoy, you little bastards.

Looks like half the internet is down today kids. Or at least all the blogs I read anyway. We’ve even had a hiccup or two on our grid, but I rappelled into the server banks and silently dispatched the cyber-terrorist network with only 1 second left on the bomb. I was back in time to post and have a 3 dirty martini lunch, too. Read the lines. Click the links. Can’t stop the signal.

• White girl gangsta bitch, keepin’ it real. (BWE)
• K-Fed and Brit-Mom rally to save Brit-666. (Bumpshack)
• March Madness means more college girl boobies. (CH)
• Naomi Campbell mops floors. She better get the bathroom too. (Gossip or Truth)
• Brooke Hogan is a gangsta bitch. Better not get outta pocket, ho. (Jordan)
• Tom Brady still dating Giselle. Bridget Moynahan still knocked up. (Holly Scoop)

Just so you don’t get bored here’s a newly redheaded Lindsay Lohan fresh out of rehab and apparently ready to entertain you with an assortment of songs and magic.

So I’m back. I know most of you have been weeping a silent requiem for us since we were ghosted into the machine by the always supportive Godaddy.com and a hot Russian chick named Tatyana. I assume she’s hot because she’s Russian and all Russian women who work for nudey magazines are hot. Anyway, Godaddy’s inability to hold their virtual liquor, notwithstanding (They disabled my database during peak time because the load was crashing their datacenter. Pussies.), someone complained about some images that I had on the site. And well, Godaddy did what is does best, tucked their tail and shut down the site without even a warning or giving me a chance to rectify the situation. I won’t go into all the details, but needless to say I moved to a new server and host and we should be five-by-five now. During the migration and the upgrades some hinkey things happened with the images on the single pages so I’ll either fix those or just leave them. OH, BTW. I invited Tatyana (the chick from the popular Men’s Magazine) to a Gmail account and asked if she would send me some royalty free topless photos of herself to post in place of the ones I had to delete. I’ll keep you posted. Thanks to all you hard core muthafuckas who helped me get back up and running and to all of you who sent in topless photos to ease my pain. Except that one dude with the three(?) nipples. Just weird man.

Spread ther greasy fatback love, y’all.

• Dita Von Teese sloppy cleavage from Jesus himself. (DS)
• Kelly Hu’s on first. With a see-thru top. ZING! (Subvert)
• April Scott in lingerie. Why doesn’t that rhyme with fingery? (Bastardly)
• Kurt Cobain was a shitty dad for about 2 seconds then he blew his brains out. Quitter. (Yeeeah)
• Scarlett Johansson is still hot. (Allie is wired sexy)
• K-Fed is crafty. Like Cheddar Cheese. (Cele|bitchy)
• Speaking of boobies. (College Humor)
• Check  out the CELEBRITY SEARCH ENGINE  (QuiteFamo.us)

In a recent statement taken by voraciously ethical and truthful gossip reporters, Kevin Federline alleges he is indeed a family man. At present, a team of linguists are still working to determine the definition of family. Is it a nuclear unit of humans that live together in a nurturing stable environment, or a trail of white trash spawn, abandoned and forgotten like puppies in the river? We may never know.

Kevin Federline wants you to know that he’s not 100 percent pimp. In an interview with E! News, he claims, “I am a family man and that is me, that is the truth, that is in all honesty.” (source)

Kevin Federline isn’t fit to care for a lump of coal, let alone anything that breathes and requires food. Between Britney and Kevin, it’s a wonder Sean and Jayden haven’t worked out a plan to escape that involves a marbles, a makeshift ladder, a cell phone, the family dog and dressing up in little tuxedos while playing musical instruments. Babies in tuxedos are cute!

So what does Kristen Bell have to do with Britney and Kevin? Nothing. She’s just so cute it makes me giggle.

Emily here y’all. Fatback is down south this week stirring up some news and corrupting sorority girls with his southern charm. Reports are spinning that Britney Spears has plans to release a homemade sex tape with soon-to-be ex-husband Kevin Federline in an effort to prevent Kevin from making profit from the sale.

The ‘Toxic’ singer was left fuming after Kevin reportedly threatened to sell the X-rated footage - which is said to feature the couple romping on their honeymoon - to online porn mogul David Hans Schmidt.
To prevent the former dancer from profiting from the footage, which could be worth up to £120 million, Britney has apparently made the decision to give it away for free.
Kevin, 28, allegedly offered the footage to Schmidt - who has been involved with several other celebrity sex tapes, including those of Colin Farrell and Paris Hilton - just a day after Britney filed for divorce.
Schmidt said: “Two days after Britney filed for divorce I was contacted by an individual who indicated he had a digital video of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline having sex.”
(source)

For some reason releasing a sex tape elevates one’s celebrity into a category of hot only attainable by Brazilian models with broken English and smiles that will kill a man before dessert. Or, conversely, it casts you down into the category of trashy blondes [somehow always relevant in the media] occupied by Pam Anderson, Tara Reid and Paris Hilton. Either way, you’re headlining movie night at the men’s correctional facility and a goddess to pimple-faced prurient pre-teens. Everyone has goals. Like my goal to trap swoon an aging Saudi Prince and become queen of my own Carribean Island. Dare to dream, Britney.

Update: Yeah, so it looks like the tape may be a hoax which saves me from accidentally running across it on PornoTube and having to gouge my own eyes out with a Williams-Sonoma soft-grip melon-baller. Ta!

“Oh you gatherer of the fine ash of poetry…”

Today’s lesson is a deconstruction of K-fed’s (nee Kevin Federline) aka pimp dawg lady-killah’s newest work entitled “Today I’m a free man” Let’s have a look.

Today I’m a free man
Ladies look out

K. Federline

Fuck a wife
Give me my kids Bitch!

In line 1, Today I’m a free man , K-Fed brilliantly asserts his freedom as a new bachelor. In one insanely angled Sharpie stroke he is at once declaring his independence from his spousal obligations and declaring a phoenix like renaissance of, not K-Fed the groom, but K-Fed the free man - the true player. Does he revel in this glorious victory? Not K-Fed. Ever the modest example of chivalry, he moves on to a mild warning.

Line 2. Ladies look out. Many may possibly equate this sly prose as a veiled threat of sexual assault that involves a long night of drinking, poorly constructed raps and a “roofie”. I think our writer has chosen the figurative rather than the literal here.

Line3. Just when you thought your mind couldn’t be blown any harder, K-Fed scoops up your brains packs them back in your feeble skull and blows them right out of the back of your head. Again. You were expecting another line of poetry. Bam! Signature. Well played.

Line 4,5. Not to be denied the post script, K-Fed, still gaining momentum lets loose a primordial rage that has lived inside of man since the dawn of time. Fuck a wife. The double-entendre rocks you like the proverbial hurricane. And just to add some wind, he lets loose a tsunami: Give me my kids bitch. The interpretation of this line will have scholars perplexed for decades. Who is the bitch and whose kids does he want? Britney? Shar Jackson? Your sister? We may never know. K-Fed you’ve done it again. Bravo.

(Source)

Britney Spears officially filed for divorce from Kevin Federline yesterday after appearing on the David Letterman show the night before looking extremely fit.

TMZ obtained the legal papers, filed today in Los Angeles County Superior Court, citing “irreconcilable differences.” In her petition, Spears asks for both legal and physical custody of the couple’s two children, one-year old Sean Preston and two-month old Jayden James, with Federline getting reasonable visitation rights.

As for money, sources tell TMZ the couple, who married in Oct. 2004, has an iron-clad prenup. Not surprisingly, Spears is waiving her right to spousal support. She’s also asking the judge to make each party pay their own attorney’s fees. (source)

When I heard this I thought it wasn’t real. Like on Christmas morning when you were 10 and you walked into the den - still rubbing your eyes and tired - but instead of a half a carton of Kool Menthols and a pack of Steakum, you see that shiny new bike you asked Santa for at the mall. Then you wake up because it was all dream. So, you just go have a smoke and breakfast sammie and cry all day. It’s like that, except this time the bad man really is going away. I guess I could have posted the official divorce document like everyone else, but you legal eagles have probably already seen that. Plus, It’s kind of hard to get excited about a legal filing when you can stare at Britney’s huge rack.

UPDATE: A dirty, dirty reader sent me a link to the alleged Britney Spears Sex Tape. This link is NSFW, meaning prepare to get fired if you click it from work. Britney Sex Tape?