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Jessica Simpson is reportedly upset with John Mayer about their breakup and about his smoking hot new girlfriend, Minka Kelly.

According to the report the pop star turned country singing hopeful, isn’t pleased her ex is dating Friday Night Lights actress Minka Kelly, 27. Isn’t it a little late for all of this?

“It upsets her she couldn’t hold him down.” (source)

Normally, it would piss me off that someone had the balls to dump Jessica Simpson, but we’re talking about John Mayer. It’s like he’s on a crusade to have sex with every hot girl in Hollywood. I used to think he was kind of a mush - with all that body is a wonderland shit, but he seems like a pretty funny guy and he’s an amazing guitar player. And he is also banging EVERY HOT GIRL HOLLYWOOD and leaving them in smoking heap behind him. I think he may be the Antichrist. So he has my vote. So does Minka Kelly’s choice of underwear. Rrreow.

Jessica Simpson might be stalking John Mayer. Apparently, her flagging singing/acting/socialiting career has left her chasing pasty white boys. Good thing she has a great rack to keep her alive. Hollywood rulez.

A guest at the Sunset Marquis in West Hollywood said that on Monday morning John Mayer was yelling into his phone: “He said ‘Jess’ a bunch of times, so I would think he was talking to Jessica Simpson. He looked wiped out, circles under his eyes, and some pal was grabbing him coffee while he was having this fight over the phone. There was a lot I couldn’t hear, but at the end before he hung up, he told her to stop calling, stop texting, stop all of it – leave me alone! He was shaking his head back and forth like, ‘God, make her stop,’ and his friend was sort of chuckling at him.” (source)

Far be it for us to doubt a source, but I’m not so sure about this one. Anyway, let’s assume that this (like all  the other shit we publish) is true. John could just be saying all that just to start gossip. He’s banged every hot chick in Hollywood. It’s not like he’s desperate.

So, how does John looking “wiped out” differ from every other day of the week?? He looks like he’s one transfusion away from full on cadaver. Ok, I haven’t actually seen a cadaver in person. But on CSI Miami that one time…you know, the one where they found the body in the weird place and Horatio made that snappy quip while taking his sunglasses off  just before the opening music?  That was my favorite episode. EVER.

Hope you all had a successful Memorial Day weekend. Meaning you got drunk, ate too much and you’re now reading this with a Starbucks and and a hangover. I supported the troops this Memorial Day Weekend by doing a lot of All American activities like: drinking canned light beer, eating fried food, attending an outdoor concert in without sunscreen, talking loudly to foreigners to make them understand me better and urinating in a public park.

These paparazzi quality photos of Grace Potter were taken at Boston’s Earth Fest over the weekend. I’m thinking about adding a ridiculous watermark just to give them some street creds. In case you don’t know who Grace Potter is, she’s the tiny little girl in these pictures who is PLAYING A FLYING V GUITAR and making your girlfriend want to sleep with her. Her shows are like watching raw sexual soul being crafted up from a rock demon who ties an M-60 to your balls. That last part happens when you tell your date, “Of course I would hit that. DUH.”

• X-17 PWNED Perez Hilton. Again. FINISH HIM! (Evil beet)
• Anna Kournikova is single. Dibs. (Gabsmash)
• Justin Timberlake continues on his quest to piss me off with Jessica Biel. (Allie)
• Lindsay Lohan still drunken, whorish. (Bumpshack)
• John Mayer can’t quit those DD’s. (Celebrity Hubris)
• Heather Locklear in a bikini.God damn. (Bastardly)
• Rhianna in lingerie. (DS)
• Jessica Alba is chilly. (Ninja Dude)
• Keira Knightly may play Princess Dianna. (D-Listed)
• Lindsay Lohan puke. (Yeeeah)
• Grace Potter on Youtube (Youtube)
• Kym Johnson dances into my heart (FHM)

More Grace Potter rocking your shit.

Jessica Simpson was out sans Mayer this week when she was accosted by a homeless man. Luckily, Jessica’s body guard jumped in to save her and her new, even more ginormous-er rack.

While walking her girls from Parc to a faraway parking lot, Jess had a close run-in with a dreadlocked homeless man, who was curious as to why everyone was taking pictures of her. Her sarcastic reply — “I don’t know.” Simpson’s leather-clad Nick Lachey-alike then stepped in and shielded her from the curious streetperson. (Source)

Holy shit. Jessica Simpson’s rack has grown from 34DD’s to 36WTF’s. Just when you think the world has finally led you down the last chute, and is about to finish you off with a pneumatic bolt to the back of the head before grinding you up into to E. coli ridden, shit burgers, something like this happens. Hope. Awesome just free-climbed a mountain naked, dove off into the cockpit of a jet fighter and strafed the mediocre with fiery bullets of excellence before parachuting down into a pool of hot burning sexual musk. Like from a horny skunk. But not stinky. Musky. Booyah. Red wine and and twinkies are the BASF of boobies.

Hope you all had a fun filled Easter Weekend celebrating the rabbit that lays chocolate eggs who brought that Jewish guy back from the dead, or whatever that’s all about. I just drank a lot and had sex fourteen times. Which is kinda the same thing. Paganism is the shit. Switching gears from religion to awww, aint that cute as a button, here’s Jessica Simpson, wearing a homemade dress frolicking with John Mayer on the beach in a totally non-staged day of fun in the sun overcast clouds.

LINKS!

• Totally sweet spoiler of the next Heroes Episode. Linderman is a hero too? (Heroes Forum)
• Dita Von Tease gets naked. Again. Never gets old, but GF needs some vitamin D. (DS)
• Avril Lavigne is a sell out. But I’m sure she’s totally hardcore on the inside. (Tasteful)
• Kirsten Dundst got dumped. SFW? (Yeeeah!)
• Jenna Haze drinks something ut I’m just staring at her rack. (Bastardly)
• Scarlett Johansson tries to un-whorify herself. (Bumpshack)
• Charlotte Church is a big black girl. (DListed)
• Celebrities smoking pot, for you fetishist. (City Rag)

Jessica Simpson and John Mayer made some noise recently by having loud sex in a Rome hotel on a recent visit to the Italian city.

 The ‘Employee of the Month’ actress was seen having dinner with the American musician in the romantic Italian city before heading back to the exclusive luxury Hotel de Russie.

When they got back to their room the couple’s energetic bedroom antics could reportedly be heard through the walls.

A source revealed to More magazine: “Jessica and John got back fairly early and stayed in all night. But by the sounds of it, they didn’t get to sleep for a long time.

“This woman was saying she couldn’t believe Jessica sounded like she was getting it on so loudly in the room next door.”(source)

What I can’t believe is how easy it is to bang Jessica Simpson. If I had known all I needed was 2 first class tickets to Rome, accommodations in a 5 star hotel, a mellifluous singing voice and mad guitar chops, I would have an extra notch on commemorative “number of girls I have banged” trophy. Oh, it may look like an ordinary mop handle to you, but to me it’s the story of true love. I have vision. And a chipped up mop handle.

Singers John Mayer and Jessica Simpson have finally stopped denying that they are in a relationship just in time to break up and only be seen together for publicity purposes. Mayer, who has a long history of dating beautiful women like Simpson and Jennifer Love Hewitt, doesn’t seem to mind.

At Nobu in Miami in Tuesday night, the pair “barely spoke” to each other, reports Page Six, and John “was extremely quiet and didn’t speak a lot.” Jessica, as is her wont, engaged in “a lot of puppy-dog looks and twirled and twisted her hair.” Sure, they were seen holding hands, but Simpson then left John all alone for 20 minutes at the table to get herself primped for cameras waiting outside. (source)

Jessica Simpson’s 100% natural breasts never cease to amaze me or my penis, although my penis said she should cinch up those straps a bit if she’s not going to wear a bra. Side boob is nice, but not when it’s literally hanging on your side. My penis also told me to make fun of John Mayer, because he so tall and gangly and looks like he would rather chew through your neck than have Sushi. But, penis, I say,  when he sings, he just melts my cold steel heart me. He’s dreamy.