Spring is 14 days away and I’m already breaking out the flip-flops and sun tan oil. If there’s anything that Kate Beckinsale has taught me, it’s that Diet Coke and cigarettes are the best way to sexy a beach bod. I can’t wait for all the spring beach parties to start. I’m putting together my A-list right now.

Will you make the cut? Let’s not get cocky, sweetie. There’s plenty to go around but my parties are fucking prestigious and classy. And they never occur until the actual vernal equinox like the druids and the biker chicks like. So be patient. Til then, I’ll be waiting in my house all oiled up and be-flipflopped wearing my airbrushed muscle t-shirt that says “Myrtle Beach ROX!”. Because? It does.

• Kirsten Dundst is hot like fire. Wait I mean. BURN THE WITCH! (Bastardly)
• John Krasinksi is filming in my home town. He’s dreamy. (GMMR)
• Super Rocker and not poseur at all , Jared Leto has his ass kicked soundly by adoring fans. (Yeeeah)
• Shauna Sands and a see-thru top. No clue.(DS)
• Zodiac was good, if you’re anal. I am. Wait, I mean into anal. Get it? Because Jake Gyllenhaal is gay. Right? (Pajiba)
• Vera, the hottest married chick I know is feeling bad this week. Cheer her up by clicking her adsense! (INO)
• Sharon Stone may be a a batshit crazy cougar, but I like a little fight in my kitty. (ICYDK)
• Tori Spelling opens a B&B. I like B&E at my B&B. (Smart)
• Kate Beckinsale without makeup is still hotter than you. I checked. (Allie is Wired)
• What’s better than college girls? Why collge girl boobies, bein sur. (CH)