NSFW - Fatback Media

Since the Dallas Cowboy’s early exit from this year’s NFL playoffs, snipers and ninjas in the Dallas area are waiting for Jessica Simpson to step foot inside the city limits, because they feel she was partly responsible for the loss. Yesterday on his blog, Simpson’s ex-bf John Mayer asks us to politely leave Jessica alone. Sorry. He writes:

Dear Dallas and Surrounding Areas,

This isn’t a sports blog, and it isn’t a publicity stunt. (but have at me if it feels right.)

This is about doing what I think is right as a person, in this case speaking my mind.

I have never known anyone to have more pride in their home state and their upbringing in it than Jessica Simpson has in Texas. I don’t really follow sports, but I have played some of my biggest and best concerts in your state, and having witnessed how dynamic the spirit there is, I’m betting emotions are running high right about now.

All witty barbs, blogs, and fashion policing aside, that girl loves Texas more than you know. It’s one of her most defining traits as a person. So please don’t try and take that away from her. (You probably wouldn’t be able to, but it’s less work for all involved.)

I just thought it would mean something coming from the guy who has the absolute least to gain from this. And if I’m out of line in having written it, too bad. I can spare a Wednesday’s worth of bad press if it means sticking up for a good soul.

JM

ZZZZZZ. Whatever. After “I don’t really follow sports”, I kinda stopped reading. That’s because I pictured John writing this wrapped in a shawl, sipping sherry, and watching Barefoot Contessa. I figured he might not be the authority on the 3-4 defense or understanding why national media coverage involving your starting quarterback’s vacation might not be the best thing to happen to your team a week before a playoff game.

Jessica Simpson was feeling quite giving this holiday season. No, I’m not talking about the nipple slip above, although that is sure to make everyone including baby Jesus tickled pink, Jessica recently sent Prison Break star Lane Garrison a TV to help him get through his 40 month stint in jail for a drunk driving accident that killed a teenager.

JESSICA SIMPSON gave jailed actor LANE GARRISON something to smile about over Christmas (07) - she reportedly gifted the former PRISON BREAK star with a colour TV. Garrison, who is serving a 40-month prison sentence for a drink driving accident that cost a teenage passenger his life, was granted access to a TV in his cell for good behaviour, but didn’t have the funds to buy one. So Simpson, who grew up with Garrison, offered to buy her troubled friend the TV, according to In Touch Weekly magazine. (source)

That was pretty sweet of her, but if he doesn’t have cable or an antenna, then he’ll only be able to get the FOX network which airs new episodes of Prison Break every week. So, maybe she really doesn’t like him at all. I mean she showed us her nipple Lane. And we didn’t kill anybody. More of Jessica Simpson’s right nipple for the free people.

More nipple-tastic links!

• Your perfume smells like vagina. No really. (Unibrow)
• Whose Boobs? Italian style! (LG)
• Kimberly Stewart got hot? (Bastardly)
• Guess whose gigantic rack this is. (SeriouslyOMG)
• 100’s of hot nude links. Except mine. Thanks jesus. (DS)
• Who would you rather bang? (Liquid Generation)
• Miranda Kerr and her Aussie boobies. (Jordan)
• Coutney Cox’s asshole. (Yeeeah)
• Jennifer Aniston’s ass in a thong. (IBBB)
• Lindsay Lohan is still a whore. (Allie)
• Vivica Fox cell phone blowjob. (Bumpshack)
• Coco. You got the whole camel in there? (Gone Hollywood)
• This nude chick is smokin’. No really she has a cigarette. (CH)

Jessica Simpson is reportedly upset with John Mayer about their breakup and about his smoking hot new girlfriend, Minka Kelly.

According to the report the pop star turned country singing hopeful, isn’t pleased her ex is dating Friday Night Lights actress Minka Kelly, 27. Isn’t it a little late for all of this?

“It upsets her she couldn’t hold him down.” (source)

Normally, it would piss me off that someone had the balls to dump Jessica Simpson, but we’re talking about John Mayer. It’s like he’s on a crusade to have sex with every hot girl in Hollywood. I used to think he was kind of a mush - with all that body is a wonderland shit, but he seems like a pretty funny guy and he’s an amazing guitar player. And he is also banging EVERY HOT GIRL HOLLYWOOD and leaving them in smoking heap behind him. I think he may be the Antichrist. So he has my vote. So does Minka Kelly’s choice of underwear. Rrreow.

“Looka dat girl n’dem daisy dukes…”

Jessica Simpson in Daisy Dukes working the slutty honkey tonk bar maid look, except there are no slutty honkeytonk barmaids who look this good. After a lifetime of missed opportunities, failed relationships, unplanned pregnancies and a predilection to men who are either cowboys or bikers, most of these chicks have been pulling the taps too long to be wearing these kinds of outfits - but they still do. And every night they strap in the sagging rack that used to make the boys come running, pull on the too-tight short-shorts, fire up a crumpled Marlboro Red and click on the neon beer signs in the front window -wondering which booze soaked redneck will roll off her later tonight as she cries herself to sleep. Happy Birthday mom.

Alright bitches, here is your chance to be famous like me. If you can get your hands off your pudgies for a minute, let me know what YOU want to hear about.

We’re going to try something new around here. New hot writer, new hot stories, right? See, I’m going to let you choose my posts for my next projects. This where you get to have a say in what goes on around here. Comment on the celebrity or recent news you most want to get the real dirt on. I’ll pick my favorite and rant until the cows come home. Choose wisely, sage ones.

email me bitches. valkyrie@fatbackmedia.com/nsfw

More old school Jessica Simpson to get your uh, creative juices flowing.

Jessica Simpson might be stalking John Mayer. Apparently, her flagging singing/acting/socialiting career has left her chasing pasty white boys. Good thing she has a great rack to keep her alive. Hollywood rulez.

A guest at the Sunset Marquis in West Hollywood said that on Monday morning John Mayer was yelling into his phone: “He said ‘Jess’ a bunch of times, so I would think he was talking to Jessica Simpson. He looked wiped out, circles under his eyes, and some pal was grabbing him coffee while he was having this fight over the phone. There was a lot I couldn’t hear, but at the end before he hung up, he told her to stop calling, stop texting, stop all of it – leave me alone! He was shaking his head back and forth like, ‘God, make her stop,’ and his friend was sort of chuckling at him.” (source)

Far be it for us to doubt a source, but I’m not so sure about this one. Anyway, let’s assume that this (like all  the other shit we publish) is true. John could just be saying all that just to start gossip. He’s banged every hot chick in Hollywood. It’s not like he’s desperate.

So, how does John looking “wiped out” differ from every other day of the week?? He looks like he’s one transfusion away from full on cadaver. Ok, I haven’t actually seen a cadaver in person. But on CSI Miami that one time…you know, the one where they found the body in the weird place and Horatio made that snappy quip while taking his sunglasses off  just before the opening music?  That was my favorite episode. EVER.

Jessica Simpson, beyond desperate for a comeback, and borderline looney, is seeking advice from pop diva Mariah Carey to get her back on track. I know, right? Where do we even go from here?

Jess has turned to the Queen of Comebacks for inspiration. In July 2001, Mariah made a bizarre appearance on MTV’s TRL, on which she performed a striptease and handed out ice cream to the audience. The five-octave soprano then had a breakdown in a Manhattan hotel, smashing crockery and cutting her feet and hands. She was ultimately admitted to the Silver Hill Hospital for what her publicist described as “an emotional and physical breakdown.”

Fucking classic!

“Jessica has been singing Mariah’s praises endlessly,” a friend of the former MTV reality star dishes to OK!. “She thinks Mariah is amazing and appreciates that she may be able to learn from her. Jessica’s career has lost steam, but she feels that with the right advice, she could be back on track.” “Jessica and Mariah are discovering they have a lot in common and are speaking frequently by phone,” (source)

Double U. Tee. Eff.

My 78 year-old grandma on an oxygen machine, smoking Kool Menthols, watching Jerry Springer in her trailer is less white trash than this story. I could talk about Chladni’s figures of acoustic modes of vibration and oscillation in classical physics and it’d sooner make sense than seeking advice from Mariah Carey. (Math nerds, call me.)

A lot in common. Hmmm. White-trash image? Check. Disastrous public love-life? Check. Box office bombs? Check. Big boobs? Double D check. Maybe it isn’t a stretch, but I still wouldn’t seek guidance from an ice cream pushing, masochistic psychopath. If I want that kind of advice, I’ll call mom. Cheer up, Jessica, you can’t sing for shit and your love-life is a joke, but you still have your outrageously sweet rack to keep you afloat. Keep up those cheese sammiches, girl. America thanks you. (pics via)

Hope you all had a successful Memorial Day weekend. Meaning you got drunk, ate too much and you’re now reading this with a Starbucks and and a hangover. I supported the troops this Memorial Day Weekend by doing a lot of All American activities like: drinking canned light beer, eating fried food, attending an outdoor concert in without sunscreen, talking loudly to foreigners to make them understand me better and urinating in a public park.

These paparazzi quality photos of Grace Potter were taken at Boston’s Earth Fest over the weekend. I’m thinking about adding a ridiculous watermark just to give them some street creds. In case you don’t know who Grace Potter is, she’s the tiny little girl in these pictures who is PLAYING A FLYING V GUITAR and making your girlfriend want to sleep with her. Her shows are like watching raw sexual soul being crafted up from a rock demon who ties an M-60 to your balls. That last part happens when you tell your date, “Of course I would hit that. DUH.”

• X-17 PWNED Perez Hilton. Again. FINISH HIM! (Evil beet)
• Anna Kournikova is single. Dibs. (Gabsmash)
• Justin Timberlake continues on his quest to piss me off with Jessica Biel. (Allie)
• Lindsay Lohan still drunken, whorish. (Bumpshack)
• John Mayer can’t quit those DD’s. (Celebrity Hubris)
• Heather Locklear in a bikini.God damn. (Bastardly)
• Rhianna in lingerie. (DS)
• Jessica Alba is chilly. (Ninja Dude)
• Keira Knightly may play Princess Dianna. (D-Listed)
• Lindsay Lohan puke. (Yeeeah)
• Grace Potter on Youtube (Youtube)
• Kym Johnson dances into my heart (FHM)

More Grace Potter rocking your shit.

Before getting into this, I wanted to share an inspirational quote from a book I read some years ago. It’s by one of the rats in Who Moved My Cheese:

“When you move beyond your fear, you feel free.”

Sultry singer Jessica Simpson, who recently broke up with singer John Mayer is waxing poetic about her trials, tribulations and the debilitating fear that comes with being a super rich, entitled country-come-to-town, “singer” who never wonts for anything and always gets her way. I was being ironic there. See? Not like Alanis ironic - which isn’t ironic at all - more at (and this is for the cheap seats), change the debilitating fear to total awesomeness. Here’s what she says on her website:

I just got back from spending some time in Europe, and while I was there I visited many museums, and have been reading about different artists. I have also been writing a lot in my journal recently. I was reading a book about Michelangelo and there were 2 quotes that caught my attention -

“I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free.”

“Each time we face our fear, we gain strength, courage, and confidence in the doing.”

These quotes inspired me to write the below passage. I hope you can find your own individual meaning in it, as I keep coming back to it and find new strength.

“Sometimes we are all so afraid to be honest with ourselves because we know that honesty will lead us somewhere off the path of the life we’ve mapped out in our minds. Today, I challenge us to ask ourselves this…

What if we allow our fear to provoke us into action?

Can facing our fear be what walks us to somewhere better?

I do not have your answers, but in the quest to find my own, I’ve discovered somewhere worth traveling to…

In my life, I ignore my fears too often, but then I’m left with nothing to challenge the best of me. I just remain cowering from my true identity.

There is no discovery.” (source)

Indeed, bard. Indeed. That’s so inspiring. And original. And totally divined from Michaelangelo’s sculpture; certainly not from the 69 page paperback that you picked up at the airport with an Us Magazine and a box of Sour Patch Kids. I too, have become inspired by this passage and offer this:

“The delicate flower, when from bucolic meadow is unduly plucked, though she sails high seas in vessels gold or in adulation reigns with crown on troubled brow, shall ne’er be so quiescent as in her original sanctum…”

or more rightly,

“You can take the girl out of the trailer park…and if she has DD’s she might just make it. Or she could always work at Hooter’s.”

I think another of our great poet’s put it best:

“Welcome to the jungle baby, you gonna die.”

You. Gonna. Die. Indeed.

Damn, Jessica Simpson. Those cheese and mayonnaise sandwiches have been working. The only time it’s ever good for a girl to get fat and happy, is if a) she had an eating disorder and b) her boobs get fucking enormous. I hear that she and John Mayer have broken up, but the happy time did her (and us) some good. I mean, her hair looks like she colored it with a Lemon Sport Snapple and the dress is borderline ridiculous… Wait. No. It’s totally ridiculous. But I can’t hold that against her because of the giant rack.

The same thing happens at Hooters. I tell myself, the slutty girls are just flirty to get my money. And no matter how much I spend, they will not flash their rack at me, much less give me a hand job. (PS. I found that last one out the hard way. Apparently there is some law?) A great rack can cancel out busted up features. Like that girl at the drive through with DD’s. It’s an ancient magical balancing effect that makes greasy haired slutty chicks hot. I can’t explain it. What am I a sorcerer? Magic LINKS!

Update: I’m usually not paranoid but if that dude up there keeps staring at me, I might have to unleash the fury.

• Six Degrees of Britney’s vagina. (Celebrity Hubris)
• Maria Menounos is pretty hot. Way better than Billy Bush. (Bastardly)
• Awesome video of a chick trying out her new stripper pole. If by awesome you mean she falls on her head. (Ebaums)
• Jesus interviewed Rachel Style from Ugly Betty. She’s nerd hot. Or just hot. And you’re a nerd. (DS)
• Speaking of boobies, I think you’re sister who’s away at school has a hot rack. (CH)
• Avril Lavigne is a pissy little bitch. (Yeeeah)
• Britney Spears is trying to be a diva when she needs to sit back and enjoy the fact that we alsmost think she’s hot again. (Bump shack)