NSFW - Fatback Media

Sexy beefcake Jessica Beil is apparently opening the door to rumors that she might be a lesbian. I actually just made all that up. But what kind of salacious news hound would I be if I went with something like: Jessica Bie really admires Jennifer Aniston, both as an actor and a woman whose strength and perseverance are a model for us all? That last one doesn’t quite give me the same wood as thinking about Jessica Biel and Jennifer Aniston making out in my living room.

“I understand being sexy, men love you, that’s great. But what’s really important is that women want to hang out with you. “That’s what I love about Jennifer Aniston - I watch her films and I think I love her. I really want to be her friend! (source)

Oh. Really. That sounds less like a steaming shower of boobies and girl on girl make outs and more like Jessica Biel sitting outside Jennifer Aniston’s apt in her car smoking cigarettes trying to get the nerve up to leave the teddy bear and hand made love note on her door step. Damn. Here are some pictures os Jessica Beil nude fromback inthe day,just in case you forgot why she’s #1 in your spank bank.

Links if you made it this far;

• Uncle Kracker is a perv. (Yeeeah)
• Britney Spears to bring her oral talents to the VMA’s. (IBBB)
• Vanessa Minnillo nude! Or someone Asian nude! Or a girl with a tan and dark hair and the hariest beave I’ve ever seen, nude! (Notorious)
• White folks and old black folks say the darnedest things! (Don’t Judge Me)
• Buffy (2) is blonde again (INO)
• Paris is a poorly dressed whore. (Bumpshack)
• Natalie Martinez say hola. (Bastardly)
• CNN rips their anchor because she wanted help promote healthy boobies. (Seriously OMG)
• Nadine Coyle has a huge rack. (Jordan)
• Porn stars should burn out, not fade away. (Holy candy)
• Stripes make that ass phatter. (CH)

That’s Jessica Biel and that’s Jessica Biel’s underwear folks. Tuesdays usually suck because, well, they’re Tuesdays, but today is alright because Jessica Biel looks hot with short hair and with her underwear showing. The movie she’s shooting (she’s filming a scene here) is called Powder Blue and it has this riveting yet evocative plot description:

Four desperate individuals intersect in Los Angeles on Christmas Eve. (IMDB)

Booyah! That description just slammed in me the face with awesome, drove right over me and dragged me down the dirt road of exposition, tied me to a fence and left me to die in tagline heaven. If that wasn’t enough to get your action pants on, it looks like Jessica Biel will be wearing a wife beater the whole time. I think I hear Oscar calling. More Jess is under there. Get it?

Links if you made it this far.

• Madonna’s panties for sale! (Notorious)
• Hot College girl of the week. Amber from Cleveland State. (College humor)
• Paris Hilton Toe Glove shoes? (Celebrity Smack)
• Ashley Tisdale at Billy Joel. Perv. (Bastardly)
• Eva Herzigova upskirt. Is she from Bosina or Croatia? (DS)
• Lilly Allen work visa for USA revoked. I guess we’ll have to break up now. (SeriouslyOMG)
• Paris Hilton camo bikini. where’d she go?! (Jordan)
• Britney Spears wrecks her car like dumb ass redneck. (yeeeah)
• Lindsay Lohan sex scene. .(Ninja Dude)
• Antonella Barba still trying sing. Still hot, but still sucking. (Bumpshack)
• The Bourne Ultimatum kicks ass. (Pajiba)

Jessica Biel in a bikini (from the Gentleman’s Quarterly…rreow). That’s really enough isn’t it? And to think Justin Timberlake just shit all over her in the press. Maybe Justin forgot that he’s a scruffy bumpkin from Tennessee who was singing country covers on Star Search against LeAnn Rimes before the Mickey Mouse Club gave him his big break. I more expect to hear, would you guys like the triple play fajitas from him than what goes around comes around. The fact that he denied Jessica Biel thrice before the cock crowed doesn’t show arrogance, it shows good old fashion redneck stupidity. Crusty asshole.

• Paula got a brand new face. OWWWWW. (Yeeeah)
• Kelly Clarkson binged it like she purged it. (IBBB)
• Howard Stern is sued. This time it’s the REAL Howard. (Allie)
• Prison Break is apparently still on and Jodi Lyn O’Keefe will be on next season. (Gossip or Truth)
• Here’s the Google map to the kegger. (CH)
• Tara Reid drunk, high and sporting a huge rack. (Glunp)
• This chick Natasha Hamilton is topless. Who is she again? (DS)
• Aw shit, is Jennifer Garner pregnant again? (SeriouslyOMG)
• Liv Tyer wants plastic surgery. (BumpShack)
• Dustin breaks down the songs that make you cry. (Pajiba)
• Okay Heidi Montag. We get it. You have big tits. (Celebrity Hubris)
• Rachel Bislon. Still cutest girl ever. (Bastardly)

It turns out that Justin Timberlake is up for an award at the MTV Movie Awards and both his ex, Cameron Diaz and his current girlfriend, Jessica Biel, will be there. I think MTV Movie Awards should come with a mandatory asterisk because, winning an MTV Award for acting is the equivalent of an astronaut getting a hand job from an elementary school science teacher for engineering achievements.

Besides my skillful use of the apostrophe, I’m also good at sizing up competitors in a street fight. And I’m going with Biel for the KO on this one.

Handlers are working overtime to prevent any drama between Cameron Diaz and Jessica Biel at the June 3 MTV Movie Awards, where the dueling divas will meet for the first time since their Golden Globe dust-up last winter.

In January, Page Six reported that Diaz “blew up” at her then-recent ex, Justin Timberlake, when she spotted him flirting with his now-girlfriend Biel at an after-party at the Beverly Hills Hotel. This Sunday, the love triangle will reunite for the first time since the incident - on live TV.

Sources revealed that Diaz and Biel are both presenting awards at the ceremony, while Timberlake is nominated for best breakthrough performance for his role in “Alpha Dog.” (source)

I’m all for a good cat fight, but setting Jessica Biel loose on Cameron Diaz is pretty unfair. Maybe if she had to fight all Charlie’s Angel’s actresses (past and present) and Director McG and a polar bear that just had its eye poked, it would be a fair fight. Jessica Biel is scary hot. Like, I’d be scared to bang her, because if she got pissed off she might rip me in half. But I could so fall fast asleep in her loving, rippled, muscular arms.

More Jessica Biel , street fighting champ.

Hope you all had a successful Memorial Day weekend. Meaning you got drunk, ate too much and you’re now reading this with a Starbucks and and a hangover. I supported the troops this Memorial Day Weekend by doing a lot of All American activities like: drinking canned light beer, eating fried food, attending an outdoor concert in without sunscreen, talking loudly to foreigners to make them understand me better and urinating in a public park.

These paparazzi quality photos of Grace Potter were taken at Boston’s Earth Fest over the weekend. I’m thinking about adding a ridiculous watermark just to give them some street creds. In case you don’t know who Grace Potter is, she’s the tiny little girl in these pictures who is PLAYING A FLYING V GUITAR and making your girlfriend want to sleep with her. Her shows are like watching raw sexual soul being crafted up from a rock demon who ties an M-60 to your balls. That last part happens when you tell your date, “Of course I would hit that. DUH.”

• X-17 PWNED Perez Hilton. Again. FINISH HIM! (Evil beet)
• Anna Kournikova is single. Dibs. (Gabsmash)
• Justin Timberlake continues on his quest to piss me off with Jessica Biel. (Allie)
• Lindsay Lohan still drunken, whorish. (Bumpshack)
• John Mayer can’t quit those DD’s. (Celebrity Hubris)
• Heather Locklear in a bikini.God damn. (Bastardly)
• Rhianna in lingerie. (DS)
• Jessica Alba is chilly. (Ninja Dude)
• Keira Knightly may play Princess Dianna. (D-Listed)
• Lindsay Lohan puke. (Yeeeah)
• Grace Potter on Youtube (Youtube)
• Kym Johnson dances into my heart (FHM)

More Grace Potter rocking your shit.

Katharine McPhee, who seems to only show up at events lately and doesn’t seem to be doing anything musical, still has a perfect rack. And that makes her my American Idol. Katherine McPhee is also a fan of Sanjaya Malakar, apparently:

“First of all, I think Sanjaya is an absolute phenomenon. Every year, there’s something that makes the show even bigger than it was the year before. I’m on the Sanjaya train! I’m like, ‘Go Sanjaya!’ “(source)

This is Katharine at the 9th Annual Young Hollywood Awards show; which seems to be more of a PR vehicle than an actual awards show. Wait that’s ALL AWARD SHOWS. Case in point, Kat McPhee received the “Exciting New Vocalist” award from Randy Jackson and Katharine Heigl received the “Superstar of Tomorrow” award from TR Knight. That’s like the time my mom gave me the coveted “best son in the world” award when I was 10. I got half of a 7-11 turkey sandwich, a pack of Fun Dip and a Big Gulp cup with “Best Son in the World” written on it in eyeliner pencil. Oh, and bus ticket to back to our home town that turned out to be a used lotto ticket with “bus ticket home” written on it in eyeliner pencil. That’s the last time I ever saw her.

• Taryn Manning scares the shit out of me. But I’m still hot for her. Does that make me creepy? (Bastardly)
• Morgan Fairchild got some big ass titties. She’s my wife. Yeah, that’s the ticket. (DS)
• Kevin Bacon would to like to be six degrees up in Hayden’s Panetierre. ZING! I’m a writer! (Glunp)
• Jennifer “call me Love” Hewitt sells underwear. Not hers though. I have most of those anyway. (IBBB)
• Jessica Biel + booty = ‘Nuff said. Shazam. (Yeeeah)
• Sienna Miller is desperate to be sperminated. Dibs! (Holly Scoop)
• Suri Cruise prepares for world domination. Resistance is futile, mutha fucka. (D-Listed)
• Bjork. What the Fjork? (Pop Bytes)
• Phil Stacey is the new Sanjaya. Rule. (Bumpshack)

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Man that Hayden Panetierre is making me question my rule about underage chicks. Which is: don’t do it. Unless you’re out of town and the bouncers let her in on a fake ID. Speaking of… where the hell is Heroes? I’m interested to see more of that new shapeshifter chick from the Stick it. Yeah, I saw it. Where do you think the girl with the fake ID and I went for our first date? Missy Peregrym (from Stick it, duh)is pretty smokin’ hot in a manly Jessica Biel sorta way. Sometimes I need to be held. LINKS!

• This site is chock full o’ pics of Hayden Panetierre for you hard candy lovers. (Celebrity Hubris)
• Chick from the Pussy Cat Dolls,barley dressed. (Phun)
• Britney Spears is like the Peter Pan of pop stars. Except stupid. (IDLYITW)
• Jessica Biel is man-some women. It’s a mixed up mumbled up shook up world. (Yeeeah)
• Lindsay Lohan is a scissor sister. (DS)
• Sanjaya: deconstructed. (Celebrity smack)
• Clara in King magazine. Shazam! (Bastardly)
• In case you missed it. The Olivia Mojica sex tape trailer (FBC)

So the Golden Globes were on last night I hear, but I’m pretty sure that they got the lowest ratings ever because the show was on against the Season Premier of 24: Part Awesome. I DVR’d the first half and watched 4 hours of 24 in row, so that makes me a hard core, 100% American killer of things not American. Like Jack F’ng Bauer. I could write about dresses and the red carpet and who got drunk at the Golden Globes, but I really don’t care right now because I am high on patriotism, nuclear radiation and Jack Bauer. There are two reasons nobody watches the Golden Globes:

1. No nudity (it’s called the Golden Globes, WTF?)
2. No Jack Bauer

I know Keifer showed up for the GG’s, but not as Jack Bauer. Because nobody was tortured, nuked or exposed as a terrorist at the Golden Globes. In case you missed the 24 Season Premiers, in which case you’re most likely on an FBI watch list anyway, you missed Jack Bauer kill a man by CHEWING THROUGH HIS NECK, and Jack killing CTU agent Curtis Manning (RIP), and a nuclear bomb exploding in Valencia CA killing 1000’s of people and those sweet, sweet oranges that I like so much. Ooops. Spoiler alert. Suckas. Here are some links to get you going on this day after Dr. King day.

• Super Sexy LaLa has the mission briefing from all 4 hours of the 24 Season Premier (GMMR)
• Jack Bauer at the Golden Globes. No nukes here, terrorist bitches. (BumpShack)
• Wikipedia entry for Valencia Ca. It already has the 24 nuke on it. That’s wiki-quick! (Wikipedia)
• 24 is the new Blog. (Trent)
• Jessica Biel at the Golden Globes. Hmm. Let’s see. OH! Jessica Beil should bang Jack Bauer. In a clandestine manner. (Bastardly)
• Keely Hazel sex tape. Ok….Ok. Keely Hazel. Um. Is a Chechen terrorist. And she’s giving dude a BJ on tape. Bitch. (Yeeeah)

I’m spent. And I can’t wait for next Monday at 9. Now…24 hotties.

Tuesday is the new Monday on a holiday week. So, I guess a few of you have case of the Tuesdays… Here’s something to cheer you right up. Links!

• Paris Hilton smokes the dank and remains above the law. She.Must.Be.Stopped. (Bumpshack)
• Abi Titmuss is half-nakedly writing another post in a bastardly way. (Bastardly)
• Cocaine: The energy drink! It’s got flavor crystals, but don’t snort it. (College Humor)
• Vince Vaughn makes out with a serious bunny in an elevator. Always double-down on 11. (Yeeeah)
• Scarlett Johansson gets an HIV test 2 times a year with the rest of the whores, strippers and porn stars. But she’s monogamous!(I’m Not Obsessed)
• Jessica Simpson’s dad gets creepier by the minute. (Derek Hail)
• Jessica Biel can bunch up her butt cheeks and rip ya dick off… (IDLYITW)
• Brook Hogan minus the grillz, and partially nude is kinda hot. (Subvert)

Shout out to Columbus for giving all of you a day off yesterday and introducing disease and weird hair to the new world.

Edward Norton, who has been out of the public for a while, is starring in the much anticipated film The Illusionist with Jessica Biel and Paul Giamatti. The story is a period piece that centers around a magician who falls in love with an Austrian prince’s fiancee.

“The magician who really started the era of the black-tie theater performance of the high-end magic presentation was this guy named [Jean Eugene] Robert-Houdin,” the 37-year-old actor explained.
The character of Eisenheim is based on the local celebrities who bridged the gap between Robert-Houdin and Houdini. Norton underwent an intensive training program with an old friend to perfect his magical powers. (source)

The “old friend” they are referring to is the great Ricky Jay who has been a magician his whole life and who also starred in Heist and Magnolia. I’m pretty excited for this film because I’m somewhat of a magician myself. At least that’s what I tell the neighborhood kids when I leave through the back door holding their mommy’s money. “Mommy only smokes when you come over”, they say. “She never smokes around daddy. And why is she so sleepy?” That’s because I’m magic, kid. Magic.

Here are some images of Jessica Biel’s magically delicious body at the premier of The Illusionist.