NSFW - Fatback Media

Hope you all had a successful Memorial Day weekend. Meaning you got drunk, ate too much and you’re now reading this with a Starbucks and and a hangover. I supported the troops this Memorial Day Weekend by doing a lot of All American activities like: drinking canned light beer, eating fried food, attending an outdoor concert in without sunscreen, talking loudly to foreigners to make them understand me better and urinating in a public park.

These paparazzi quality photos of Grace Potter were taken at Boston’s Earth Fest over the weekend. I’m thinking about adding a ridiculous watermark just to give them some street creds. In case you don’t know who Grace Potter is, she’s the tiny little girl in these pictures who is PLAYING A FLYING V GUITAR and making your girlfriend want to sleep with her. Her shows are like watching raw sexual soul being crafted up from a rock demon who ties an M-60 to your balls. That last part happens when you tell your date, “Of course I would hit that. DUH.”

• X-17 PWNED Perez Hilton. Again. FINISH HIM! (Evil beet)
• Anna Kournikova is single. Dibs. (Gabsmash)
• Justin Timberlake continues on his quest to piss me off with Jessica Biel. (Allie)
• Lindsay Lohan still drunken, whorish. (Bumpshack)
• John Mayer can’t quit those DD’s. (Celebrity Hubris)
• Heather Locklear in a bikini.God damn. (Bastardly)
• Rhianna in lingerie. (DS)
• Jessica Alba is chilly. (Ninja Dude)
• Keira Knightly may play Princess Dianna. (D-Listed)
• Lindsay Lohan puke. (Yeeeah)
• Grace Potter on Youtube (Youtube)
• Kym Johnson dances into my heart (FHM)

More Grace Potter rocking your shit.

Super hot movie star Jessica Alba claims she’s “goofy”?. And my question is: Who cares? She can claim to be Rolanda Queen of the Nicaraguan Sunsets as long as she keeps making movies in a bikini. Nothing says acting chops like a string bikini. True story.

“People think of me as just a sexy girl,” the self-described “dork,” 26, says in the June issue of InStyle, “but I’m really goofy – like, super goofy.”

Not that she’s knocking her looks, which first made her famous on the 2000-02 TV series Dark Angel. “I had womanly curves at a young age,” she says. “Usually kid actors are a few years older than the roles they play. I was two or three years younger.” (source)

This is the point where I would call Jessica a conceited whore because I really think she is, but with that body, goofy or not, she could poke out your eye with a pencil sharpened on the sidewalk and you’d still line up to drink her bath water. Where I come from, having curves at a young age is not as sexy as it may sound. It pretty much relegates you to marriage by senior year, dropping out and living in a trailer park taking care of three dirty faced children while your husband, the former football captain, shows off his skills as the manager of the Piggly Wiggly. I’m not saying that southern teen mothers are trashy uneducated whores. Well actually, yes. Yes I am. But Jesus loves them, god bless ‘em, and that’s all that matters.

Here’s Jessica getting into some trouble with the law. You have the right to remain sexy. Owwww.

Adriana Lima is probably the prettiest girl on the planet. I don’t think anyone will argue that. I know. I know. Beauty is subjective, and in the eye of the beholder and different for everyone, even at different times. Like right now, for me, Adriana Lima is pretty fucking close to the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen. But last week in San Jose, after 17 tequilas, Martina was the prettiest girl I had ever seen. Martina had a huge adam’s apple and never took off her panties. Oh but the way she held me on that warm spring night and carried back to my car over her shoulder. That’s true love baby. Although, I still can’t find my wallet.

•  Cameron Diaz sans bra. That’s fancy talk for she’s showing her nipples (DS)
• Would you like to come up to my apt for some BOOBIES? (CH)
• Bend it like Beckham’s wang. For the ladies (and a few of you dudes) (D-Listed)
• Paris Hilton is about to be caged (wonky eyed) heat. I have a carton of Newports that says she gets shiv’d within 48 hours. (IDLYITW)
• Jessica Alba kisses her dog. The dog has a boner. Maybe that’s just me. I like bestiality. (Jordan)
• Lindsay Lohan is a superhero. If being a bulemic, coke whore with daddy issues are the criteria for superness. (Yeeeah)
• Jennifer Tilly, still keeping the rack up to speed. (Bastardly)
• Perfect Stangers is perfect for Lifetime and a tub of Cherry Garcia. (Pajiba)

More Adriana.

I have no idea what this is from, but I am 1000% sure that I don’t care. Jessica Alba, tan and falling out of a bikini is enough to make me want to quit my job and fucking move to an island. How many times do you have to watch Office Space to realize that you’re that guy? Some days I just think, man this place would really fucking burn. LINKS!

• Jessica Alba in her underwear to make you hate your job even more. (IDLYITW)
• The entire movie Office Space reshot using Peeps. FUCKING PEEPS! I love peeps. (Youtube)
• Cameron Diaz in a bikini showing a little easter egg. She’s religious. (DS)
• David Duchovny is constipated. (Glitterati)
• Larry Birkhead, first redneck in history to claim his own bastard. (IBBB)
• Paris Hilton is a whore, and some other stuff blahblahblah. (Yeeeah)
• Jolene Blalock got some big ass…..(Bastardly)

I’m a lot of things to a lot of people. Besides sexymotherfucker, and espionage expert with intense kung-fu lovemaking skills, I’m also a patriot to the good ole USA. Here in the USA we stand for freedom, pro-sports, sexy chicks in bikinis and cheap middle east oil. The only thing that would make Jessica Alba playing football in a bikini an even more red blooded American hero is if she were eating a slice of apple pie, wearing a cowboy hat while I sang the star-spangled banner. Nude. at the Iwo Jima memorial. God bless the USA.
IMAGES REMOVED

UPDATE: Apparently someone else owned those Jessica Alba bikini football pictures so they graciously asked me to remove them. They also copied my hosting company on the request as well. Nice.  Just FYI though for all you fancypants picture “owners”. We get our images before you buy them from the paparazzi MOST of the time so don’t be so fussy. Lots of love. We’re still BFF’s right?

Actress Jessica Alba recently spoke out about how she left her born-again Christian church after accusations that her behavior was immoral.

Jessica Alba decided to leave her born-again Christian church after religious leaders accused her of being too promiscuous.The Dark Angel star insists her multi-ethnic appearance stopped her from being accepted in the Latin community she grew up in, so she turned to the church looking for comfort.

After four years as a born-again Christian, Alba backed away from religion because “older men would hit on me and my youth pastor said it was because I was wearing provocative clothing, when I wasn’t.
“It just made me feel like if I was in any way desirable to the opposite sex, that it was my fault, and it made me ashamed of my body and of being a woman.” (source)

I don’t know what kind of church she went to but it certainly wasn’t Christian. Christians are supposed to do-unto-others and love and encourage each other, not be intolerant, prudish assholes. Like my church. We all just ran around naked and had sex orgies that involved livestock and poisonous snakes. Every now and again someone would get their heart carved out by a hooded priest wearing face paint. Come to think of it, maybe I’m a devil worshipper. Shit. That’s not gonna sit well with JC.

My Russian contact Pavel just sent me these scans of Jessica Alba in FHM Russia via a secret compartment in a Diplomatic pouch on his way back from Belarus. Many partisans died for these images. ???????????, ??? ??????!

My Russian is a little rusty but I think the caption in the 2nd thumbnail, “??? ????? ????! ??????????? ????? ??????? ????? ???????? ????? ? ???? ??????!” means either, “Buy this capitalist whore! She will cook for you and not get fat for 2 years!” or something like “How funny it was! A ridicluous striptease trying to remove clothing!”. Whatever. ? ?? ???????… (images via fundumper)

I need some shrimp and grits so check out what’s going on around the web.

Kristen Bell is cute as a button and devilishly sexy. I must stalk her. (GMMR)

Bruce Willis assaults a paparazzo and uses the old “flashy lights, epilepsy enduced violence” excuse. Yippy-kay-yeah mutha fucka! (Derek Hail)

Jessica Simpson’s new video will feature Eva Mendes, Eva Longoria, Jessica Alba and Carmen Electra. If it’s anything like, my original script, then expect to see me in a full frontally nude pile of sexy women. If it’s not, expect to masturbate anyway. (Glitterati)

Mandy Moore woke up from her dream and dumped Zach Braff. I guess he’ll have to rely on brown bear to help him through this. (Tabloid Whore)

Victoria Beckham and her nipples are hooker chic in Germany. (D-Listed)

The cover of the new Green Day album has a bleeding heart shaped grenade on the cover which allowed a young girl to identify a real live grenade in her back yard. I’m going to start a band called “The Claymores”. I want to save the children, baby. (TMZ.com)

Madonna wants to kill Lindsay Lohan and transfer her consciousness into her body through the power of Kaballah. Or maybe she’s just a needy bitch who likes young girls. Chickenhawk. (The Superficial)

All right Hamptonites. Prepare to be out Hampton-ed, out yacht-ed and out fucking classed, you new money mother fuckers. Behold the most pretentious, whitebread, old money name ever to grace the NY Times Wedding Announcements…Whipple Spaulding Newell III…yacht hair and all. God damn. Just saying his name makes silver dollars appear in his pockets. (Veiled Conceit)

It’s Tuesday lunch and here’s what’s going on around the web.

Kristin Cavallari may play Daisy Duke in the new prequel film The Inbred Dukes of Hazzard have sex with their cousin Daisy: The early Years. (I’m not Obsessed)

Paris Hilton is being sued for the car crash she caused. Unfortunately, she will not pay a dime because she is an entitled rich bitch who has never paid for a thing in her life. Bitch. (TMZ)

Jeenifer Aniston tried to call Brad Pitt to “congratulate him” but his called was refused. Translation: Jennifer Aniston can’t let go and was using the call to Brad to cause trouble. Angelina fielded the call and and smacked Brad Pitt in the face with the phone further emasculating him. (Bricks and Stones)

Denise Richards: WILF. Figure it out. (Star Power)

Shannen Doherty is getting her own reality show on Lifetime called Breaking Up With Shannen Doherty. If it was called Breaking Chairs Over Shannen Dougherty, I’d probably watch it. (Glitterati) . (PS. Glad you’re back Tina…)

The Entourage recap is online at GMMR. Still haven’t seen one god damn episode. Am I missing something? (GMMR)

Jessica Alba hangs out with her ex after the MTV Movie Awards.(The Bastardly)

The kid from A Christmas Story who shot his eye out is still alive and he’s in The Break Up with Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston. (ICYDK)

God damn I’m hungry. While I fry up some country style steaks, check out what’s going on around the internet.

Wanna smell like Gene Simmons’ ashtray? Try K.I.S.S Frangrances! (VHT)

Angelina Jolie refused a Scientology Award and subsequent brainwashing from Tom Cruise. Thetans rejoice!(Derek Hail)

Martine McCutcheon in a bikini. That’s about it. (The Bastardly)

E! Television just announced the Tater Award Winners for 2006. (GMMR)

Ivana Trump wants Paris Hilton to play her in a Bio-pic of her life. Let’s see. It may be a stretch, though. Ivana whored her way to fame and fortune and Paris is just a whore who’s rich. (Glitterati)

Kristin Cavallari and Brody making out on the beach in a totally non-staged, not-publicity stunt. (Bricks and Stones)

Jessica Alba pictures, just ’cause. (I’m not Obsessed)

Paris Hilton is a bitch. I just wanted to say that. Oh and she got in a wreck or something. (IDLYITW)

Scarlett Johannson’s big fat red lips. (Subvert Society)

Tobey Maguire got some girl pregnant. I though he was gay? Wait, that’s Frodo not Spidey.(ICYDK)