NSFW - Fatback Media

My sentiments exactly, Katherine Heigl! I’d be freaked out upon seeing this lot of ladies as well. Seriously what is up with the clones?!? They are like Robert Palmer’s b’yatches in that old “Addicted to Love” video, only these are blonde and cheery instead of somber and robotic. Still and all, that shit freaks me out.

But what really freaks me out is how much money Katherine Heigl’s movie character theorectically would have had to have spent as a bridesmaid to have been in 27 weddings. Weddings ain’t cheap. Even for the most heinous bridesmaid dress you can pay a good $250, and that’s on the low side. Then factor in throwing a bridal shower, buying a gift for that, buying a wedding gift, and buying clothes for the entire weekend of never-ending events. So, figure on $1,000. And yet the new film “27 Dresses” wants us to believe that their main character has been a bridesmaid in 27 weddings. Listen, if someone is insane enough to be okay with spending upwards of $27,000 to be in their friends’ weddings you don’t have to think too hard about why that person is always a bridesmaid and never a bride.

Anyway, some hot girlies showed up at Katherine Heigl’s big premier night . . . and some not-so-hot ones. You can judge who is who . . .

Holy shit. I didn’t watch the Oscars last night because I was catching up on some much needed Gins and Tonic with a naked Swedish speed skater, but it looks like I can cross Jennifer Love Hewitt off my washed up before their time list and bump her right back up to the top 10 of my making a comeback so I’ll keep my eye out list. I think the wordthat best sums this dress up is god-dayum. Her rack is ridiculous. She has a breast cleavage equivalent to the badonkadonk. Or badonkarack, as I like to call it. What? It’s a word.

I thought J-LO-Hew hadn’t really done anything lately, but apparently there’s a show on prime time with her in it called the Ghost Whisperer.

A newlywed with the ability to communicate with the earthbound spirits of the recently deceased overcomes skepticism and doubt to help send their important messages to the living and allow the dead to pass on to the other side. (IMDB)

Yeah. I’ll take your word for it IMDB. Meantime, I’ll be working on my ghost impersonation. I have a sheet with holes cut for eyes and everything. Who ya gonna call?

Hey y’all, we’re gathering up all the hotness for the day for you. And by we, I mean Emily’s on a vacation/mission to corrupt the youth of this country so it’s just me scanning the trades for breaking news, slipped nips, sex tapes or divorces. Sadly the entire internet has beat me to the punch, so here are the top stories.

• Bastardly Hot or Not victim Amy Paffrath lashes back in her myspace at the Bastardly for her rating. We think you’re you’re cute as a button Amy, plus you went to school down south so you get a big ole FB&C holla! (Bastardly)
• Katie Holmes about to experience real Cruise Control: marriage. (Glitterati)
• The line that launched a 1000 internet empires, “Britney Spears Sex Tape” is now true. Too little too late? (Yeeeah)
• Ellen Pompeo is getting married to…yaaaawn. What? Oh. (Bumpshack)
• It’s a sad world when an upskirt shot can make you feel like this. (Celebrity Smack)
• Jennifer Love Hewwit’s thong has nothing to do with the greatest of Jesus. (Drunken Stepfather)

In case you’re wondering that image is Amy Paffrath at an event. Google images told me so. And they’re right 10¹⁰⁰% of time. Get it? Nerd.

Although it was widely speculated that singer John Mayer’s jangly pop hit “Your Body is a Wonderland” was about his former flame Jennifer Love Hewitt, he recently confirmed that fact during an impromptu stand-up routine in Hollywood.

Page Six reports Mayer “cracked wise about sex with his ex-girlfriend, Jennifer Love Hewitt, during a surprise stand-up comedy set at the Laugh Factory in Hollywood the other night.

The gossip column reports it was told the swoon-worthy crooner showed up with buddy Bob Saget and did a brief set in which he blabbed about bedding the hard-bodied Hewitt as well as a multitude of female fans of his song “Your Body Is a Wonderland.”(source)

Jennifer Love Hewitt reminds me of those girls in high school who would get drunk and dance on the hood of a Camaro woohoo-ing with their shirts off after the Friday night football games, but would get all Jesus saves and don’t ask, don’t tell by Monday morning. I have to say though, I really respected the fact that “born again virgins” stood up for their beliefs. That, and the fact that it was really easy to get them to go anal. Bless their hearts.

It’s after noon and I’m fucking hongry. I need to gets my vittles on, so check out these tasty links while I fill my belly.

Jenny McCarthy, my secret dirty girl crush is dating Jim Carey. Probably. Maybe. Whatever. (WWTDD)

MILF of the century, Denise “wild things” Richards is getting married to Ritchie “old guy” Sambora. (Bricks and Stones)

I have a premonition, that the OMEN will suck devil balls, but Julia Styles is as cute as a little bulldog puppy wearing a sweater.Oh and that kid in the OMEN is really the AntiChrist in case you were wondering. (I’m Not Obsessed)

J-Lo Hewitt is dating some guy that will never see her naked. You see, if she takes the velvet ribbon off, her head will fall off. (ICYDK)

Paris Hilton…oh fuck it. I don’t even care. The only headline I’ll ever want to see is her name followed by hollowtip round to the skull. But if you’re interested, some new rich guy is banging her. (Subvert Society)

Maria Sharapova, whose name I love to say with my Russian accent (I was a spy, y’all!), is sporting some camel toe. Dibs on helping her out with that. (StarPower)

Don’t click this link unless you are prepared to weep openly at the beauty of Marissa Miller’s ass. I gotta go, it’s uh, dusty in here. (The Bastardly)

Good luck to MidWest Hotness, Tina of Glitterati while she moves into her new mansion on the lake this week (Glitterati)

Wilmer Valderrama has apparently had sex with every actress in Hollywood. The Bosh reports that he boasted recently on The Howard Stern show that he has a large penis, took Mandy Moore’s virginity and had sex with Jennifer Love Hewitt, and Lindsay Lohan.

Wilmer Valderrama, one of the stars of “That ‘70s Show” as well as the host of the upcoming MTV program, “Yo Momma,” visited the Howard Stern show to talk about banging young starlets. Wilmer revealed that his penis is over 8 inches long.

Wilmer mentioned that he dated Lindsay Lohan for more than a year and that the rumor that he dumped her for Ashlee Simpson wasn’t true.Wilmer claimed that he took Mandy Moore’s virginity, Howard wondered if sex with her was difficult at first. Wilmer told Howard that the sex was “really good” with Mandy, but also acknowledged that it wasn’t “like warm apple pie.”

Howard said that he had a list of women with whom Wilmer allegedly has had sex and wanted his thoughts on each of them. The first name Howard mentioned was Jennifer Love Hewitt, who Wilmer replied “was an eight.” However, Wilmer claimed that the other three girls Howard brought up – Jamie Presley, Rosario Dawson and Jessica Alba – were just friends of his and that he’s never been physical with any of them.(source)

I really don’t know what to say about this except, WTF? The thought of Fez writhing and fumbling all over sweet little Mandy Moore makes me want to smash my forehead repeatedly with the round end of a ball-peen hammer in efforts to destroy that image. I would rather watch puppies drown in a septic tank than see that Wilmer has implausibly banged yet another hot starlet. Whiny, sunken eyed ghouls like Wilmer, used to get their asses kicked by the even the science nerds in high school. I should know, because I was the science nerd and I totally kicked his ass. Chemistry rulez!