The Hills whore Heidi Montag got a new rack last year, and now she’s reportedly addicted to plastic surgery. Sources say Montag is now on a surgery rampage and is planning to get Botox injections, liposuction, and her ears pinned back. Because she’s a Doberman? Hell, I don’t know. A source tells InTouch Weekly:

“Heidi seems obsessed with plastic surgery. It’s all she seems to talk about. Heidi is far from done with her surgeries.”

Whatever psychosis this chick is going through, everybody should just chill, because it seems to be working from the neck down. She should just throw the rest of the money at her face, but she might have a hard time finding a doctor. Heidi looks like she has Downs, so the doctor would basically need to start over from scratch. And I’m thinking there might be lawsuits and police questioning involved with sneaking into Angelina Jolie’s house and taking a mold of her head.

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This is probably the fifty billionth set of pathetically staged pictures that The Hills “star” Heidi Montag has paid somebody to take of her recently. Pictures that she apparently thinks will one day make her famous. I really don’t know how to break this to her, but no, no they won’t. She’s kinda fugly. It won’t help her self-esteem to know that I could walk through the campus of UNCW for ten minutes and, at worst, find 100 chicks hotter than her. I wonder how she…whoa, what? Well, of course I’d still fuck her. She sorta reminds me of your sister. She was a freak.

Heidi Montag is a real American hero. Does she spend the best holiday in America eating greasy BBQ and drinking coozied beers at the lake like a fat redneck? Fuck no! She’s supports the troops with an American flag strapped across her bulging boobs and and shaved beaver. [Beavers are American!]. Nothing says God Bless America like a huge fake rack on a blonde at the beach.

Here’s more of Heidi anally raping terrorism into submission. So stand up and salute, you pinko apologists – I think I can hear communism dying.

Paris Hilton is caged heat, baby. Well she would have been if she wasn’t a spoiled bitch and this weren’t LA. She would’ve ended up some teardrop tattooed, East LA gangsta chick’s little skinny shank toy, (like Mesquita tried to make Reese Witherspoon in Freeway), but it turns out that heiresses get special treatment – even in jail. I have avoided writing about Paris Hilton, because the last thing the world needs is another blog post about Paris Hilton. But. She’s in jail for breaking the law and that’s kinda cool symmetry. Oh, she gets her own cell, she got to come in early and gets to watch tv and all, but she’s still in prison and that’s sublime.

Ah I could go on and on about this, but my Mortimer Ichabod Marker pen and I have some work to do. The new Chess hotties were just released! Check and mate… Here are the top links for Paris Hilton in Jail.

• Paris Hilton mug shots. (IDLYITW)
• Paris Hilton cries on the way to prison where she belongs. (WWTDD)
• Nicky Hilton prepares her defense of Paris. Voire dire is gonna rock. (Yeeeah)
• This is not Paris Hilton. This is Jessica Biel kissing a chick. (DS)
• Paris Hilton turns herself in to the police. (SeriouslyOMGWTF)
• Paris Hilton in jail. Break. Josie Maran Minute. (Bastardly)
• Heidi Montag’s tits at the MTV Awards. (Celebrity Hubris)
• Paris wore hair extensions to jail. Nappy. (ICYDK)
• What’s your gossip IQ? Mine is elevety billion. I win again! (Radar)
• Kim Kardashian goes bodonkadonkdonk. (GoT)

Here are the hottest pictures of Paris Hilton I could find:

Heidi Montag, the 20 year old actress(? ) and star(?) of the television show (?) The Hills, who recently got breast augmentation surgery – to the tune of D cups- has reportedly been offered 1 million dollars to pose in Playboy with her newly enlarged boobs. Except probably not.

“Playboy is interest[ed] in shooting Heidi’s new body,” [Heidi's boyfriend] Pratt told In Touch. “They’ve offered her $1 million to be in the magazine.”

Playboy representative Lauren Melone didn’t deny Montag received an offer to appear in the magazine, according to In Touch, but added Playboy “wouldn’t pay $1 million.” (source)

Why would they pay a million dollars for a 20 something no-name “actress”, when they can pay one thousand dollars to the first 5 corn fed, midwestern girls that get off the bus with fake tits, a heart of gold and a dream in her heart and call it an issue? I’ll tell you why. They wouldn’t dummy. There’s no need. Besides we’ll be seeing plenty of her new boobies by Christmas when the sex tape comes rolling out.

I have to say though, I’m a sucker for a big rack (fake or not) so I think she’s pretty hot. I’m also a sucker for public radio fundraisers. Those NPR Morning Edition mugs are the shit.