NSFW – Fatback Media

Recently anulled actress Renee Zellweger is planning on adopting a baby, sources say.

"Renee Zellweger has revealed she wants to adopt an orphaned baby, just days after her ex Jack White announced he is expecting his first child.

The Hollywood actress is said to be desperate to have children but, since splitting from husband Kenny Chesney last month, has been left with little hope.

So the ‘Bridget Jones’ actress has reportedly asked advice from Angelina Jolie, who has an adopted Cambodian tot Maddox, four, and Ethiopian baby Zahara."

I don’t think Angelina Jolie is the best person to request advice from about "adopting" babies because I am pretty sure she will just say," Just fly to a really poor country and grab a kid right off the streets".  Kidnapping a nursing child right out of her mother’s arms in broad daylight and yelling out "MINE!" constitutes a legal adoption if you are a Hollywod Star. I should know. I spent a lot of time in orphanages when I was a child. As I got older I realized that most people didn’t want the dirty kid with a goatee who wouldn’t let go of the headless Barbie Doll. Every night I would sulk back home with my Barbie and tell my mom that nobody picked me again. She would just smile and lock me back in my cage. God I miss her.

The always excoriating KS over at AllThisNonsense.com had this post today about Britney’s plan to have Mattel craft dolls of herself and her family for her new son to play with.

If she
gets her way, it looks like Britney may get her fake tits and flat stomach
back sooner than she expected. It seems that Mrs. Federline wants her
family turned into dolls.

Giving a male child dollies of his own family members to play with can only end in an 18 year old Sean Preston wearing a dress and smeared lipstick yelling out to the police that he needs a chopper and some pork skins or he will start executing the hostages.

*photo courtesy of the mad photoshoppin’ skills of KS.

According to a recent article, Kelley Preston and John Travolta are urging Katie Holmes to have a "silent" birth".

Scientology couple John Travolta and Kelly Preston are urging Katie
Holmes to have a ‘silent birth’ when she delivers fiance Tom Cruise’s
baby next year and follow the church’s strict doctrines.

Scientologists
believe children should be brought into the world without any fuss and
be allowed to quietly get used to their surroundings. That means no
music, no chatting and no expressions of pain from the mother.

Preston
explains: "It’s just because everything in moments of pain is really
recorded and you want to have that (the birth) peaceful and clear of
sort of suggestions or different words that can then affect them
(babies) in their future."

Wait. What? No sound at all? Not even maniacal laughter? Unless you are having Rosemary’s Baby, then I am pretty sure its more traumatic to have a kid with creepy cult members quietly staring at your vagina, than pretty much any other way I can think of.  And I am an expert. I have my father’s eyes.  I am sure that the spawn child will thank his biological progenitors someday for the ‘quiet birth’ by becoming the bestest serial killer ever.

*UPDATE- to see what Katie looked like before the Dianetics kicked in click here. (NSFW after the jump)

I am starting to realize that K-Fed may be a genius with amazing powers
of mental coersion. Those powers take their toll though, causing the
victim to become a pile of worthless shit.

Kevin Federline is acting like a baby according to MSNBC. 

The couple has acknowledged rough patches in
the early days of their marriage, and it looks like having a baby
hasn’t helped things. The buzz is that Kevin Federline — who walked out
on his pregnant girlfriend and child to be with Spears — isn’t taking
too well to fatherhood this time around either.

Since
Spears brought home little Sean Preston, his dad has been “a real brat”
— hitting golf balls, partying and chatting on the phone into until
well until the night, an insider tells Life & Style Weekly. Spears
has reportedly complained that she’s “raising two kids now.”

How many times does a person have to do something before you start to get the hint. Papa is a rollin stone…wherever he lays his hat is his home. He did his part and now he has a $300,000 car to show for it. You’d be surprised  how easy it is to ride out the "rough patches" when you’re driving a Ferrari.  Maybe if my mom didn’t insist on the "Aries K" at the dealership, dad would’ve come back that night he went out for smokes. Bitch.