NSFW – Fatback Media

Super hot movie star Jessica Alba claims she’s “goofy”?. And my question is: Who cares? She can claim to be Rolanda Queen of the Nicaraguan Sunsets as long as she keeps making movies in a bikini. Nothing says acting chops like a string bikini. True story.

“People think of me as just a sexy girl,” the self-described “dork,” 26, says in the June issue of InStyle, “but I’m really goofy – like, super goofy.”

Not that she’s knocking her looks, which first made her famous on the 2000-02 TV series Dark Angel. “I had womanly curves at a young age,” she says. “Usually kid actors are a few years older than the roles they play. I was two or three years younger.” (source)

This is the point where I would call Jessica a conceited whore because I really think she is, but with that body, goofy or not, she could poke out your eye with a pencil sharpened on the sidewalk and you’d still line up to drink her bath water. Where I come from, having curves at a young age is not as sexy as it may sound. It pretty much relegates you to marriage by senior year, dropping out and living in a trailer park taking care of three dirty faced children while your husband, the former football captain, shows off his skills as the manager of the Piggly Wiggly. I’m not saying that southern teen mothers are trashy uneducated whores. Well actually, yes. Yes I am. But Jesus loves them, god bless ‘em, and that’s all that matters.

Here’s Jessica getting into some trouble with the law. You have the right to remain sexy. Owwww.

Katie Holmes is pissed. New York Post reports that a young virgin has changed her name to Katee Holmes and will be starting a porn career, in which she will lose her virginity in her first film. Get it? Katie, Katee? Duh.

“It’s a really cheap shot,” a rep for the actress, who’s married to Tom Cruise, told Page Six. But Shy Love, an adult film vet who manages the 5-foot-9, 122-pound Katee – a small-town girl from Illinois – insisted: “Katee is using the name as a tribute to Katie, who has always portrayed an innocence in everything she’s done, beginning with ‘Dawson’s Creek.’ ”

“I know it’s pretty extreme to lose my virginity on camera, but I like the fulfillment and excitement I get from watching porn, so I figured [a movie] was the best place for me to lose it,” the not-that-innocent Katee said. “How many people wished they could relive their first experience, if not to remember it but to learn from it, right?” (source)

Man, what a whore. But guys love whores. I think they’re taken aside at an early age and shown cheap porn mags like Cheri, or Oui, forever conditioning them to hit on the cheapest, sluttiest girl in the bar. That being said, it’s like Katee stole the idea right out of my goddamned head. No doubt you will be lined up to see this nubile, young thing lose her love flower, wishing you were the one giving her the bulging love stick. What the fuck did I just say? Anyway, instead, you are crying, realizing you just lost your virginity to the 19 year-old hag babysitter who punched you in the face as she called you the wrong name. Then she made you get her McDonalds. Sucked to be you. Loser. More Katee. I mean Katie. I mean Kate.

Kate Beckinsale, who has one of the hottest bodies on the planet, is being railed for recent remarks she made likening girls with anorexia to crack whores. The British website Daily Mail had this:

Miss Beckinsale, whose weight once plummeted to five stones, said: “I believe anorexia, alcoholism and drug abuse in teens are more about what is happening in the home than a problem with images in the media.

“It is the nice girl’s way of becoming a crack whore.” (source)

You gotta love the British. The metric system has been their system of measurement for 200 years and they still weigh people with rocks. Cheerio! I have no idea what five stones is, but it sounds pretty fat. Fatty.

And now for you anorexic crack whores, here are some of the most boring pictures ever taken of Kate Beckinsale (on the set of Winged Creatures). Shame on you Hollywood. How is Kate supposed to drive hopeless girls to anorexia when you cover up her banging body like this? Tsk.

Chevy Chase admits in his new book that he suffered mental and physical abuse at the hands of his unstable mother for years. Cruel beatings and name calling were an everyday experience for the actor/comedian when he was growing up.

“I lived in fear all the time – deathly fear,” Chase says in a new authorized biography, “I’m Chevy Chase . . . And You’re Not,” by Rena Fruchter. It reveals that Chase’s concert-pianist mother, Cathalene, was a “very unhappy woman” who suffered from depression and panic attacks that could set her off at a moment’s notice. They had her locking young Chevy in a closet for hours at a time and waking him up in the middle of the night to slap him “continually and hard, across the face,” Chase tells the author. “I don’t remember what it was for, or what I had done.” (source)

God damn. Fletch had it hard. Kinda like I am for Gail Stanwyck (Dana Wheeler-Nicholson) from Fletch. I don’t mean to make light of Chevy’s tough time, but if I had a nickel for everytime I’ve heard that story. Plus, have a thing for wet married women. God awful mess. You should see my shoes. Whiick. The best Flecth quote in the comments wins a free Fatback T-shirt or my name isn’t Harvey Poon.