NSFW - Fatback Media

This is Jennifer Garner at the premier of The Kingdom a new action film in which she plays an FBI agent. I haven’t seen it yet, but I plan to because nothing would make me happier than to see Jennifer Garner holding an MP5 submachine gun and screaming for cover fire. I miss Alias.

Links for you while I fire up my Alias Season 2 DVDs.

• Soxy Lady has the video of the dude that stole Cano’s hat at the Sox Yankees game the other night. Ow. (SoxyLady)
• Afro Jacks listed the phone numer to Mystery from VH1 and Jezebel interviewed him via sexy phone call. (Jezebel)
• Hot Haley from Clemson (Klemp-Son) U. in my home state is the cute college girl of the week. (CH)
• Vanessa Hudgens is a nude teenager who can’t figure out what Tyra Banks is saying. (yeeeah)
• Jaime Pressly looking MILFy after the baby… (Bastardly)
• Jennifer Ellison lives in a bikini (Jordan)
• Paris Hilton. Fuck it. I don’t have the energy. Just click.(Allie)
• 24 is actually going to happen some in this decade! (Seriously OMG)
• Cloe Sevigny is a beautiful angel. (City Rag)
• Heidi Montag and her huge rack do something musical. (IBBB)
• Britney allegedly hired and alleged hitman to allegedly kill KFED. Allegedly. (GoT)
• Ryan Seacrest failed as a host of the Emmys. YOU FAILED. (New Chatter)

Actor Owen Wilson reportedly attempted suicide Sunday afternoon and was rushed to a hospital near his California home.

“A person was transported to a local hospital where they are being treated,” the release stated. “Due to HIPAA medical privacy laws, no further information is being released.”

But Star magazine and the National Enquirer jointly reported last night that Wilson, the star of popular comedies including “Wedding Crashers” and “You, Me and Dupree” had slit his left wrist and taken unidentified pills in an attempt to kill himself. (source)

This is why actors suck. Besides the fact that can’t get anything right, they always feel like they get say things like ‘I have problems too’, or ‘what about my feelings?’. Well, you don’t get to say that asshole. You get paid to act and you get everything you want and bang every hot girl that comes along. Now STFU and dance for your supper, monkey. Tara Conner because even though she is a quitter, she never gave up.

That’s Jessica Biel and that’s Jessica Biel’s underwear folks. Tuesdays usually suck because, well, they’re Tuesdays, but today is alright because Jessica Biel looks hot with short hair and with her underwear showing. The movie she’s shooting (she’s filming a scene here) is called Powder Blue and it has this riveting yet evocative plot description:

Four desperate individuals intersect in Los Angeles on Christmas Eve. (IMDB)

Booyah! That description just slammed in me the face with awesome, drove right over me and dragged me down the dirt road of exposition, tied me to a fence and left me to die in tagline heaven. If that wasn’t enough to get your action pants on, it looks like Jessica Biel will be wearing a wife beater the whole time. I think I hear Oscar calling. More Jess is under there. Get it?

Links if you made it this far.

• Madonna’s panties for sale! (Notorious)
• Hot College girl of the week. Amber from Cleveland State. (College humor)
• Paris Hilton Toe Glove shoes? (Celebrity Smack)
• Ashley Tisdale at Billy Joel. Perv. (Bastardly)
• Eva Herzigova upskirt. Is she from Bosina or Croatia? (DS)
• Lilly Allen work visa for USA revoked. I guess we’ll have to break up now. (SeriouslyOMG)
• Paris Hilton camo bikini. where’d she go?! (Jordan)
• Britney Spears wrecks her car like dumb ass redneck. (yeeeah)
• Lindsay Lohan sex scene. .(Ninja Dude)
• Antonella Barba still trying sing. Still hot, but still sucking. (Bumpshack)
• The Bourne Ultimatum kicks ass. (Pajiba)

This is Ashley Tisdale, whom you might remember fro her recent nip slip, and whom you might also not remember from anything else. She’s 22 but she looks like jailbait and frankly, people pay a lot for that these days; so she’s alright by me. Check IMDB if you want details or just sit really close to your monitor and click these links.

Links, if you made it this far, perv.

• I’ll see your Ashley Tisdale bikini pics and raise you Heidi Montag bikini pics. (Jordan)
• Billie Piper Side Boob. (Drunken Stepfather)
• College chicks making out. Like they’re supposed to. (CH)
• New Monica Belluci movie trailer. (Allie)
• Keira Knightly looks chilly. (Holy Candy)
• Eddie Murphy and his hot mamas. (City Rag)
• Nicole Richie wants the county lockdown. The gangsta bitches toss salad better at county. (Evil Beet)
• R Kelly finally goes to trial for being a freeeeeaaak. (Gossip or truth)
• Ellen Barkin, my favorite cougar, is getting paid. (Socialite’s life)
• Smirnoff viral video. Boyz in the Hillz. (Glitterati)
• Some trollop with big tits and a dirty dress. (Seriously OMG)
• I can’t say this chick’s name but she’s plenty hot. (Bastardly)
• Courtney Love is beautiful. Not really at all though.(Bump Shack)

If you want to get linked here, send me links and I’ll link you. Because I am a whore like that.

Lindsay Lohan, the completely mentally stable and totally brilliant actress of such Oscar worthy gems as Herbie: Fully Loaded, Freaky Friday and Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen, recently expounded -albeit modestly- on her own acting skills as well as the acting prowess of several of her contemporaries. Actually she was wasted. And here’s how it went:

“The higher Lindsay got, the more arrogant and mean she became,” said a former party pal of the 21-year-old star. “She ranted and raved about her talent, claiming: ‘I’m the greatest actress in the world! No one’s even close to me right now!’

“And then she proceeded to viciously slam a slew of young actresses, who she considered to be her competition.”

Here’s what she said about her fellow actresses:

Scarlett Johansson is “ugly, fat and has no talent.”

Jessica Simpson “can’t sing and is dumb as (bleep).”

Sienna Miller is a “no-talent crackhead.”

Keira Knightley is “a flat, shallow, cardboard cutout of an actress.”

Jessica Biel is a “phony, scheming, joke of an actress.”(source)

I don’t know about you, but I think she’s right. She could be the greatest actor of our generation. I mean who didn’t cry n Herbie Fully Loaded when Lindsay as the trouble teen Maggie delivered this quip?

“It wasn’t me, it was Herbie.” (IMDB)

It was Herbie. It was Herbie,Lindsay. Herbie the black guy. Keep your chin up kid. As long as you stay true to your craft, you’ll always have a place in the hearts of Americans. Wait. That means having a huge rack right?

According to reports, Angelina Jolie is upset over the fact that heart recent biopic - about Mariane Pearl and her slain husband, journalist Daniel Pearl - was box office failure.

According to a source close to Angelina Jolie, 32, the actress is “devastated” by the audience rejection of her movie A Mighty Heart (it has earned just $9 million).

“She poured her heart into the story and can’t believe people don’t understand how important it is,” the insider tells Us Weekly in this week’s issue. (source)

Angelina, wanna guess why nobody went to see it? WE KNOW THE ENDING. We saw the whole gruesome thing play out on CNN just a few years ago. Why watch a movie that dramatizes an already traumatic event in our very recent - and very raw history. We were just getting used to not seeing beheadings on Youtube and you go and make a movie about it. That’s kinda rubbing it in our faces - and not in a good way. It’s a funny aspect about American viewing audiences we’re not the type to go for that. We’re brash that way. We don’t mind sad stuff, (hell I cried when they shot Ole Yeller), and we don’t mind biographies that end in tragedy, but give us some time let the rawness fade before you shove it right back down our throats in the thinly veiled guise of a reminder of a terrible tragedy. We got that part. Really.

Here’s a clue:

• Movie about 911 and New York being devastated that ends with two lucky survivors? FLOP.
• Movie about a giant robots devastating NY that ends with two lucky survivors: BOX OFFICE SMASH.

True story. People see movies to forget how shitty the world can be, not to be reminded. Real life is outside our windows and on our 50″ plasmas 24/7. We need a god damn break sometimes. Not smug, psuedo-activism shoved down our throats by privileged Hollywood elite of the type who fly to environmental benefits in private jets and “greenlight” films that tiptoe extremely close to exploitation. The reason A Mighty Heart failed is the same reason Babel didn’t. Not in my back yard applies in full force here - and a very real American dead guy is all up in our backyard. So from me, and everybody else, can you go back to doing some T/A movies. And for god’s sake,eat some fried chicken or something. Here’s Angelina in ELLE thinking about ways to make you cry. Plus one NSFW for old times sake.

Author J.K. Rowling was reportedly deeply depressed and saddened when she completed the most recent and final 7th book of the Potter series recently- a full 17 years after the the first book was written.

“I was mourning the loss of this world that I had written for so long and loved so much. I was also mourning the retreat it had been from ordinary life, which it has been. And it forced me to look back at 17 years of my life and remember things. And it was very linked to my mother dying, which happened. … This big long passage from my life is now rounded off.” (source)

I could probably nerd out and put in a bunch of funny Harry Potter jokes but maybe 3 of you can actually sit still long enough to read a whole book so you wouldn’t get it anyway. J.K. Rowling has reportedly made over 1 Billion (with a GODAMN capital B) on these books. And rich people are hot. Right? She’s got a huge rack and she’s a billionaire. I think I smell cougar.

Megan Fox is hot on an astronomical level. Like Mega Joule hot. Like, you’d need the Stefan-Boltzmann constant to do the math. So how did her Transformers co-star Shia LaBeouf reply when he was asked if he was attracted to the engaged startlet when they worked together on set? God damn right.

“Dude, I’m into her, what do you want?” LaBeouf straightforwardly says. “It’s no conjuring. I’m into Megan. What do you want me to say?” he tells the Los Angeles Daily News.

“That’s just the way it was when we were filming. Immense attraction, on my part, for real.”

But she’s engaged to Brian Austin Green (”Beverly Hills, 90210″). So this couldn’t have been easy work for her, right?

“No, I didn’t have to work,” Fox says, laughing about a natural attraction to her co-star. “It was there.” Perhaps her fiance is the understanding type. (source)

So Megan Fox is beautiful, likes dirty sex, tattoos and she has the all loyalty of a cat in heat? You’ll forgive my departure, I trust, my penis just exploded.

Nerdy scientific note: When I refer to Megan being MJ hot, I am not referring to mechanical heat, but sexy hotness; although the analogy still stands either way. Work with me people. Put the Ti-89 away and click the pictures.

Emma Watson likes to party y’all. She and her other Harry Potter cast mates, Rupert Grint and Daniel Radcliffe (all teenagers) have admitted to experimenting with smoking and drinking like other teenagers. They just do it behind closed doors.

Emma, 17, said: “You are careful not to do it in the public eye. You have your first cigarette or first glass of alcohol in a safe environment with your close friends - or you could be foolish and choose to do it in a London nightclub.” (source)

You gotta hand it to Emma here. First she doesn’t insult anyone’s intelligence by lying about experimentation, and she has the decorum to do it behind closed doors. (Well, except for that one time). Lindsay Lohan could use a lesson here. The point is, all teenagers experiment with sex, drugs, and alcohol. It’s just a normal part of adolescent socialization and a transition into the process of self discovery and actualization. It’s also a way to find out who the really slutty girls are in high school. True story. I’m a doctor.

And more hot teen images for you pervs. Reeeow, that Danny Radcliffe is smokin’ .

Someone give that girl some soul food. I mean, she’s been to Africa, and that’s the mother of all souls but girlfriend needs some sammies. I’ve got a cure for that flat ass and those bony arms; it’s called fried chicken and sweet potato pie. Maybe you’ve heard of it? It’s not that she isn’t gorgeous. She’s got that motherly glow, totally in-love, blood drinker thing going for her; it’s just that if you take away those 15 pounds of hair and 9 pound lips, you’re left with a skeleton with some gnarly tattoos in expensive shoes.

Here are a few pics of her the Oceans 13 premiere. Enjoy Angelina Skeletor at your own leisure.

{Ed. note: I don’t know Em, she still has her rack. Other than that she’s real fat fatty.-Fatback}