NSFW – Fatback Media

Paris Hilton’s first 3 nights in jail apparently weren’t as nice as she was hoping. According to TMZ, the jailed DUI offender has been crying on the phone and freezing at night.

Paris has been crying on the phone, saying she’s not sleeping or eating. Paris says her cell is “freezing cold.” She has three little blankets and no pillow. She’s using one of the blankets as a pillow. The room is bright and jail noise echoes through her space. (source)

Wow. So her jail sounds like my bedroom when I was growing up. Except I didn’t have a phone, a tv, or as much food and I had to use a cat for a blanket. But, despite of her bullshit crying for no god damn reason, her stay has been pretty quiet so far. I have to admit, I was hoping for a prison riot by the chicas, sisters, and red neck bitches on lock down where they throw fireballs made of shit and human hair and somebody gets shanked with a melted down sharpened toothbrush that was hidden in some inmate’s snatch for just this occasion.

Instead we get a spoiled rich-bitch crying herself to sleep because of the frigid LA night air and no pillow. Brrrr. Do they even put violent criminals in jail anymore? Where’s the rape and attempted murder and sodomy. Penal system, you’ve let me down. You used to be beautiful.

Paris Hilton is caged heat, baby. Well she would have been if she wasn’t a spoiled bitch and this weren’t LA. She would’ve ended up some teardrop tattooed, East LA gangsta chick’s little skinny shank toy, (like Mesquita tried to make Reese Witherspoon in Freeway), but it turns out that heiresses get special treatment – even in jail. I have avoided writing about Paris Hilton, because the last thing the world needs is another blog post about Paris Hilton. But. She’s in jail for breaking the law and that’s kinda cool symmetry. Oh, she gets her own cell, she got to come in early and gets to watch tv and all, but she’s still in prison and that’s sublime.

Ah I could go on and on about this, but my Mortimer Ichabod Marker pen and I have some work to do. The new Chess hotties were just released! Check and mate… Here are the top links for Paris Hilton in Jail.

• Paris Hilton mug shots. (IDLYITW)
• Paris Hilton cries on the way to prison where she belongs. (WWTDD)
• Nicky Hilton prepares her defense of Paris. Voire dire is gonna rock. (Yeeeah)
• This is not Paris Hilton. This is Jessica Biel kissing a chick. (DS)
• Paris Hilton turns herself in to the police. (SeriouslyOMGWTF)
• Paris Hilton in jail. Break. Josie Maran Minute. (Bastardly)
• Heidi Montag’s tits at the MTV Awards. (Celebrity Hubris)
• Paris wore hair extensions to jail. Nappy. (ICYDK)
• What’s your gossip IQ? Mine is elevety billion. I win again! (Radar)
• Kim Kardashian goes bodonkadonkdonk. (GoT)

Here are the hottest pictures of Paris Hilton I could find:

Hope you all had a successful Memorial Day weekend. Meaning you got drunk, ate too much and you’re now reading this with a Starbucks and and a hangover. I supported the troops this Memorial Day Weekend by doing a lot of All American activities like: drinking canned light beer, eating fried food, attending an outdoor concert in without sunscreen, talking loudly to foreigners to make them understand me better and urinating in a public park.

These paparazzi quality photos of Grace Potter were taken at Boston’s Earth Fest over the weekend. I’m thinking about adding a ridiculous watermark just to give them some street creds. In case you don’t know who Grace Potter is, she’s the tiny little girl in these pictures who is PLAYING A FLYING V GUITAR and making your girlfriend want to sleep with her. Her shows are like watching raw sexual soul being crafted up from a rock demon who ties an M-60 to your balls. That last part happens when you tell your date, “Of course I would hit that. DUH.”

• X-17 PWNED Perez Hilton. Again. FINISH HIM! (Evil beet)
• Anna Kournikova is single. Dibs. (Gabsmash)
• Justin Timberlake continues on his quest to piss me off with Jessica Biel. (Allie)
• Lindsay Lohan still drunken, whorish. (Bumpshack)
• John Mayer can’t quit those DD’s. (Celebrity Hubris)
• Heather Locklear in a bikini.God damn. (Bastardly)
• Rhianna in lingerie. (DS)
• Jessica Alba is chilly. (Ninja Dude)
• Keira Knightly may play Princess Dianna. (D-Listed)
• Lindsay Lohan puke. (Yeeeah)
• Grace Potter on Youtube (Youtube)
• Kym Johnson dances into my heart (FHM)

More Grace Potter rocking your shit.

Quitters never win. Winners never quit…

While most of you were asleep Friday night, quietly dreaming of a 3 day weekend at the community pool eating BBQ chicken with your fingers and spraying fake tanner on your muffin tops, Lindsay Lohan was keeping it real and proving she’s no quitter by crashing her car at 3:30 am, drunk and holding what cops are calling a “usable amount of cocaine”.

Police tell TMZ that 20-year-old Lohan and two other adults were in her 2005 Mercedes SL-65 convertible when she lost control and crashed into a curb and trees in Beverly Hills around 5:30 AM. After the crash, police say LiLo got into another car and was driven to Century City Hospital where she was treated for minor injuries that involved “something to her upper chest area.” Police said the two other people in her car were not hurt.

…She was cited and released and will have to face a judge. (source)

I think it’s fitting that this is a holiday weekend, because true heroes like Lindsay Lohan don’t normally get the attention they deserve. For instance, losers like you and me would get thrown in jail for 18 hours and eventually serve time for DUI and possession, but the goodly laws of LA say that if you’re a rich snot nose drunken drug user and you crash a car you can go home and sleep it off – like the special, special person that you are. You’ve got to admire her ability to stay on task as a coke whore – even in the face of those meanies at rehab, the tabloids, the American public, established social mores, a system of codified laws and legal standards and personal health issues. It’s about sacrifice. Lindsay Lohan. You are my hero.

Because it’s Memorial Day, I decided to post a retrospective pictorial journey through Lindsay Lohan’s finest NSFW moments for your patriotic perusal.