NSFW – Fatback Media

These are some of the most boring photos EVER of Lindsay Lohan celebrating her 21st birthday by the beach. I think I’m starting a petition to bring back the fire crotch. Sobriety is for quitters.

Not only was Lindsay’s beachfront birthday blowout supervised by her mother (who brought along her little brother for extra support), but we’re hearing that the party’s entertainment was overseen by a team of Promises folks – according to our source, the strongest stuff at the party was lemonade and soda! (source)

Dude, when your rehab coach supervises your 21st, you know you have a problem. I’m sure they figured out a way to get some contraband in there. Scope with a vanilla extract chaser anyone? Hardcore, bitches. Sucks to be Lindsay Lohan. I spent my 21st birthday in proper southern fashion – pounding Jager bombs and dancing topless on a table with a dude in a trucker hat and a spider monkey. That is, of course, until we were asked to leave due to “inappropriate behavior”. Fucking Waffle House. Anyway. Is it just me or is LiLo’s mother a total MILF? Wait, I meant really creepy looking bitch.

Elevenety billion more boring pics of Lindsay Lohan at her boring drug free party here.

THIS JUST IN. Paris Hilton was ordered back to prison to serve out the remainder of her sentence.

Hilton left the courtroom in tears, screaming, “Mom, Mom, Mom.” Hilton was also heard saying “It’s not right.” One witness said that Paris was “physically escorted” out of the courtroom by a female deputy. (source)

Wow. Are they sure? Because I’m pretty sure she’s really rich and that’s not supposed to happen. How else will poor people have something to bitch about? Who will they envy? Looking at that picture, I actually feel sorry for her. Ya, no. Not really at all. I wonder if the dude that bringing the coke and midgets over for her house party tonight will be upset?

Let’s all take a moment to reflect on this. You know, we should show our solidarity by doing things that free people do, like for instance: not have to sleep in a prison. With prisoners. Yeah that’ll show those meanies. Paris we’re here for you. On the outside. Living free and non incarcerated. Just walking around, driving places, eating stuff, drinking beers. Don’t get raped!

So it looks like LA Law may be poised to surpass the Teletubbies in overall toughness and have called Paris Hilton back to court to discuss the validity of her recent release. TMZ report from yesterday:

Late today, L.A. City Attorney Rocky Delgadillo filed paperwork demanding a hearing before Judge Michael Sauer to determine why the Sheriff’s Department allowed Paris to get out of jail when the judge had expressly ordered her to serve out her entire sentence.

The hearing is scheduled for 9:00 AM PDT on Friday. (source)

A hearing. Man. She must be shaking in her Jimmy Choo Strappy sandals. I bet the lawyers have filed some really concise motions and the judge is prepared to hear their briefs in detail. Eeeek! I hope she’s okay!

If it was anybody else, Dog the Bounty Hunter would have broken the door down and hog tied you with cable ties faster than you could snap into a slim jim. Macho Man Randy Savage does play Dog the Bounty Hunter on TV right? ON THAT NOTE… Why does Stacy Kiebler insist on wearing so many clothes? That’s the true crime here.

UPDATE: TMZ reports that Paris Hilton was released for “health reasons”. She is now under house arrest and must to wear an ankle bracelet that notifies the authorities if she leaves the tiny confines of her 5000 square foot house; which is barely 50 times bigger than her spacious jail cell.

Whatever will she do?

I mean ,after a few days it will get boring driving her golden golf cart from one end of the house to another. Or flying a kite in the living room or riding her horse up and down the stairs. Poor kitten. They should have let her go to one of those awesome half-way houses where the cool criminals get to go; where they get to sleep next to each other on ratty cots while they listen to the guards rape the other parolees. LA law, you’re a stinker!