NSFW - Fatback Media

Actor Kiefer Sutherland has just turned himself in to authorities in Glendale, CA (as agreed) from charges stemming from a DUI arrest earlier this year.

Kiefer was just booked. He is officially an inmate. The booking records show he is 5′10″, 150 lbs, blue eyes, blond hair, 40 years old. The arrest time (surrender) was 5:30 PM and he was booked 16 minutes later…

He was scheduled to turn himself in on December 21, which happens to be his birthday. The plan was to serve when the show was on Christmas hiatus. But because of the writers strike and the fact that the show is on ice, Kiefer checked in earlier. (source)

Other reports say that his stay may be as long as 48 days.

Forty eight days? For one DUI? WTF? This is LA. Paris Hilton had 2 DUI’s and got charged with driving without a license ON HER WAY TO COURT for one of those DUI’s and she only serve line 23 seconds in jail. Lindsay Lohan was charged with cocaine possession, car jacking, DUI (and stealing my heart) and she spent longer in the car ride over to the jail than she did in jail. This is Jack Bauer people! Well not really, but in LA every thing is fake so I say LET JACK BAUER GO. To show my solidarity, I put the CTU Ringtone on my phone. And let’s be honest, the ladies love the ring tones.

And now 24 hotties.

Fresh out of rehab, Lindsay Lohan began her mandatory community service stemming from her DUI conviction at an LA blood donation center on Monday.

The ‘Mean Girls’ star arrived at an American Red Cross blood services facility, located in an LA suburb, at noon and was greeted by staff in the parking lot.

She left at 7pm carrying a book entitled ‘BLOOD’ under one arm. (source)

Um, hello. Nosferatu, much? I guess instead of using methadone and suboxone they’re using the dark powers of Anne Rice to help people kick drugs these days. Honestly, it’s trading one addiction for another and perpetuating the co-dependent cycle. At least that’s what my book ‘How to Serve Man’ says. True story.

 

After literally skating on drug possession, reckless driving, and several other charges, Lindsay Lohan has copped a plea for two DUI arrests and she’s going to do time. She gets credit for 1 day served and she’ll have to 10 hours of community service and she’ll have to be incarcerated for 24 hours. One. Fucking. Day. Oh, and somehow in LA County DUI is not a felony. In my home town down south, it’s a felony to have beers on the beach, even if you’re sitting right in front of your own beach house. The great thing about all this is that Lindsay’s mother, Dina Lohan sees the gravity of this situation and is stepping up as a parent. Wait, no. She’s acting like an oblivious, self-absorbed, has-been whore living vicariously (and tragically) through her daughter in whom she is both bitterly jealous and financially dependent.

“My children and I are in a wonderful place in our lives,” Dina told 24Sizzler.com Thursday evening, “and people just want to make things up and see us fail!” (Source)

No Dina. We can’t make shit like this up. Fucking Shakespeare couldn’t make shit like this up and half of his tragic heroines slept with a close family member on accident or killed someone and all them ended up dead at an early age. With a parent like you, I almost feel sorry for Lindsay Lohan. But then I remember that she says stuff like “I’m a celebrity, I can do whatever the fuck I want”.  Here’s the rub…she can. Dun dun DUNNN.

Lindsay Lohan has entered rehab in Utah at an exclusive “lodge” that purports to give its guests all the comforts of home - like a jacuzzi, fireplace and stunning views - while they’re rehabilitating for the meager price tag of $30,000.00.

Lindsay Lohan has entered the Cirque Lodge drug and alcohol rehab in Sundance, Utah. According to sources within the facility, the 21-year-old star arrived this weekend to begin the intense rehabilitation program that is expected to last a minimum of 30 days.The center treats men and women over the age of 18. According to the Cirque Lodge Web site, upon check-in, a thorough mental and physical examination is completed.

The Lodge was named by Town & Country magazine to be one of the country’s top rehabs. For a price tag of $30,000 and up, the rehab offers privacy — with rooms for 16 residents at a time. Rooms boast spectacular views, Jacuzzi tubs and private fireplaces… (source)

I don’t think rehab means the same thing to celebrities as it does to regular drunks and addicts. Most people get a cot in a shared room, shitty food, worse coffee and touchy-feely meetings where everybody hugs at the end. Twenty eight days later you leave with a fresh new addiction to cigarettes and a crippling need to have other people to tell you that you’re ‘okay. If you’re a celebrity, you get a room with a view, gourmet meals, a jacuzzi , free access for your friends & family and the guy who brings you 8-balls stuffed inside a beanie baby. Lindsay in ELLE. (source)

Lindsay Lohan is a role model for young girls everywhere. She proves that honesty and good character are the ways to make it big. Either that, or by being a drunk lying whore. Apparently, a mere 36 hours before she got arrested in May for DUI, she sat down with Elle Magazine to tell them how resposible she really was.

“They’re looking for me, to like trip, so they can be like, ‘Oh Lindsay’s wasted and driving drunk.’ And that’s not it. I wouldn’t violate. … I’m much more responsible than that.”

The following night, on May 26, she was arrested for driving under the influence when her car crashed; cops found she had cocaine with her. Her second drunken driving/cocaine bust came the morning of July 24 after a high-speed chase in Santa Monica, Calif. The September issue of Elle hits newsstands Tuesday. (source)

Amazing. Inspirational! I think she was telling the cops this the next night when they were cuffing her, impounding her car and putting her cocaine in the evidence bag.

“It’s all about makin’ that G-T-A…”.

Though the police are using the word ‘commandeered’, it all boils down to one thing. Lindsay Lohan got fucked up and stole herself a car when and decided to chase a moving vehicle through a residential area.

Why? Who the fuck knows. The assistant had quit a few hours before, so Lindsay probably was three sheets to the wind and became indignant. You know how it goes. Why, I remember one time, after about a fifth of Kickin’ Chicken, I went on rant at some cop who was guarding the door at a nightclub I wanted into. Ended in tears. I assure you.

Like Lindsay not too long ago, I was underage. But hell, I was going in that club to get plastered to the wall come hell or high water. But goddamn, Lindsay, all I had to do was flash the guy my tits. YOU on the other hand decide to turn into a total whackjob and chase some poor woman down the streets with a jacked car.

Does it get any better than that? A coked up, drunken star pissing their career away all over the media? Yes, it does. How? Well, one of the guys in the car she hijacked was so afraid that he jumped out of the damned car.

Fucking please. If those guys would have had any sense whatsoever, they’d have knocked the little bitch out of the car in two seconds flat. I sure the hell would have.

If you’re interested, you can find the transcript of the 911 call during the chase here-
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19984231/

If you’re not, go look at some porn or something. I don’t fucking know. What am I, your personal assistant? More Lindsay. Bet you can’t guess the photographer…

I can only assume that Lindsay Lohan’s drunk detecting bracelet didn’t work. (You think they picked it up on Ebay?)

Little Miss Lindsay got herself all plastered with a bit of coked-up on the side and decided to play chase early Tuesday morning. She was picked up by the cops, frisked and found to be carrying cocaine on her person. I wonder if she had to do the old squat and cough?

The best part of this story is how even though she was driving drunk and in possession of cocaine she managed to blame it on someone else. It’s gets better. When one of the kids who was in the car with her (the one that Lindsay basically stole) tried to get her to stop because she was going to get in trouble she threatened to sue and quipped:

 ”I can’t get in trouble. I’m a celebrity. I can do whatever the fuck I want.” (TMZ)

Once she stopped the car and the police arrived on scene, Lindsay did however, own up to the whole thing and tried to make it right with the cops.  Oh wait, I meant she went all white trash and blamed the nearest black guy- Susan Smith style.

When police arrived, Dante says it seemed as if Lindsay told officers, “I wasn’t driving. The black kid was driving.”

Dante and Jakon [passengers in the car] say they saw Lindsay flunk the field sobriety test. They say when she tried touching her nose, she almost fell over.(TMZ)

So now she’s facing drunk driving and narcotic charges. It also looks like her dad is trying to cash in on this whole fiasco. Guy is in the news, talking about how all of this is ‘partly his fault’. Yeah, it probably is and no one really gives a rat’s ass. Ooh. Her mom is doing interviews, so that means she really loves her, right? Right?

“We are doing everything in our power in support of Lindsay and I won’t give up – this is my daughter and we love her,” Dina Lohan tells The Insider. (source)

What everyone cares about is, How long will Lindsay be in rehab this time? Will she munch carpet in there? And when will the pics of rehab lesbian action leak?

That’s it. I’m done. Congratulations, Lindsay, you’ve beaten me. I used to think that I possessed a biting wit and a funny take on celebrities’ misfortunes that would endear me to the masses, but you’ve taken that away from me. You’ve worn me down, and I’m waving the tattered white flag of surrender. First you get a DUI on Memorial Day weekend, then you enter rehab. OK, I’ll cut you some slack on account of your admitting that you’re a complete alcoholic (whereas I’m only halfway, i.e. I don’t have to go to rehab just yet). Then you celebrate your 21st birthday, sober and with your mom. I celebrated mine at a Bacchalanian Italian feast before gallivanting across Southern Europe for the next 3 months, but once again, I was willing to take it easy on you. Then you go out and drag race across LA last night, drunk on appletinis (or were they cosmos?) with some blow in your pocket, to boot. At this point, you have entered an area of celebrity culture that used to be reserved for Mike Tyson, Anna Nicole, and Michael Jackson. You’re so goddamned crazy that you’ve taken the fun out of it for the rest of us.

Lindsay Lohan was arrested for drunk driving in Santa Monica early this morning — her second bust in less than three months.

According to the L.A. County Sheriff’s Dept., 21-year-old Lohan was nailed around 2:15 AM near Pico Boulevard and Main Street early Tuesday morning. (source)

So congratulations, Lindsay. I am a broken man. Here’s to your last few months on earth, because you’re no doubt only a few months away from launching your Benz off of the Santa Monica Pier on the way to screw some B-level male celebrity. Rest assured that I’ll pour out a wine cooler for you when the day comes. Here’s Lindsay in happier times.

These are some of the most boring photos EVER of Lindsay Lohan celebrating her 21st birthday by the beach. I think I’m starting a petition to bring back the fire crotch. Sobriety is for quitters.

Not only was Lindsay’s beachfront birthday blowout supervised by her mother (who brought along her little brother for extra support), but we’re hearing that the party’s entertainment was overseen by a team of Promises folks - according to our source, the strongest stuff at the party was lemonade and soda! (source)

Dude, when your rehab coach supervises your 21st, you know you have a problem. I’m sure they figured out a way to get some contraband in there. Scope with a vanilla extract chaser anyone? Hardcore, bitches. Sucks to be Lindsay Lohan. I spent my 21st birthday in proper southern fashion – pounding Jager bombs and dancing topless on a table with a dude in a trucker hat and a spider monkey. That is, of course, until we were asked to leave due to “inappropriate behavior”. Fucking Waffle House. Anyway. Is it just me or is LiLo’s mother a total MILF? Wait, I meant really creepy looking bitch.

Elevenety billion more boring pics of Lindsay Lohan at her boring drug free party here.

THIS JUST IN. Paris Hilton was ordered back to prison to serve out the remainder of her sentence.

Hilton left the courtroom in tears, screaming, “Mom, Mom, Mom.” Hilton was also heard saying “It’s not right.” One witness said that Paris was “physically escorted” out of the courtroom by a female deputy. (source)

Wow. Are they sure? Because I’m pretty sure she’s really rich and that’s not supposed to happen. How else will poor people have something to bitch about? Who will they envy? Looking at that picture, I actually feel sorry for her. Ya, no. Not really at all. I wonder if the dude that bringing the coke and midgets over for her house party tonight will be upset?

Let’s all take a moment to reflect on this. You know, we should show our solidarity by doing things that free people do, like for instance: not have to sleep in a prison. With prisoners. Yeah that’ll show those meanies. Paris we’re here for you. On the outside. Living free and non incarcerated. Just walking around, driving places, eating stuff, drinking beers. Don’t get raped!