NSFW – Fatback Media

Actor Kiefer Sutherland has just turned himself in to authorities in Glendale, CA (as agreed) from charges stemming from a DUI arrest earlier this year.

Kiefer was just booked. He is officially an inmate. The booking records show he is 5’10″, 150 lbs, blue eyes, blond hair, 40 years old. The arrest time (surrender) was 5:30 PM and he was booked 16 minutes later…

He was scheduled to turn himself in on December 21, which happens to be his birthday. The plan was to serve when the show was on Christmas hiatus. But because of the writers strike and the fact that the show is on ice, Kiefer checked in earlier. (source)

Other reports say that his stay may be as long as 48 days.

Forty eight days? For one DUI? WTF? This is LA. Paris Hilton had 2 DUI’s and got charged with driving without a license ON HER WAY TO COURT for one of those DUI’s and she only serve line 23 seconds in jail. Lindsay Lohan was charged with cocaine possession, car jacking, DUI (and stealing my heart) and she spent longer in the car ride over to the jail than she did in jail. This is Jack Bauer people! Well not really, but in LA every thing is fake so I say LET JACK BAUER GO. To show my solidarity, I put the CTU Ringtone on my phone. And let’s be honest, the ladies love the ring tones.

And now 24 hotties.

Fresh out of rehab, Lindsay Lohan began her mandatory community service stemming from her DUI conviction at an LA blood donation center on Monday.

The ‘Mean Girls’ star arrived at an American Red Cross blood services facility, located in an LA suburb, at noon and was greeted by staff in the parking lot.

She left at 7pm carrying a book entitled ‘BLOOD’ under one arm. (source)

Um, hello. Nosferatu, much? I guess instead of using methadone and suboxone they’re using the dark powers of Anne Rice to help people kick drugs these days. Honestly, it’s trading one addiction for another and perpetuating the co-dependent cycle. At least that’s what my book ‘How to Serve Man’ says. True story.

 

After literally skating on drug possession, reckless driving, and several other charges, Lindsay Lohan has copped a plea for two DUI arrests and she’s going to do time. She gets credit for 1 day served and she’ll have to 10 hours of community service and she’ll have to be incarcerated for 24 hours. One. Fucking. Day. Oh, and somehow in LA County DUI is not a felony. In my home town down south, it’s a felony to have beers on the beach, even if you’re sitting right in front of your own beach house. The great thing about all this is that Lindsay’s mother, Dina Lohan sees the gravity of this situation and is stepping up as a parent. Wait, no. She’s acting like an oblivious, self-absorbed, has-been whore living vicariously (and tragically) through her daughter in whom she is both bitterly jealous and financially dependent.

“My children and I are in a wonderful place in our lives,” Dina told 24Sizzler.com Thursday evening, “and people just want to make things up and see us fail!” (Source)

No Dina. We can’t make shit like this up. Fucking Shakespeare couldn’t make shit like this up and half of his tragic heroines slept with a close family member on accident or killed someone and all them ended up dead at an early age. With a parent like you, I almost feel sorry for Lindsay Lohan. But then I remember that she says stuff like “I’m a celebrity, I can do whatever the fuck I want”.  Here’s the rub…she can. Dun dun DUNNN.

Lindsay Lohan has entered rehab in Utah at an exclusive “lodge” that purports to give its guests all the comforts of home – like a jacuzzi, fireplace and stunning views – while they’re rehabilitating for the meager price tag of $30,000.00.

Lindsay Lohan has entered the Cirque Lodge drug and alcohol rehab in Sundance, Utah. According to sources within the facility, the 21-year-old star arrived this weekend to begin the intense rehabilitation program that is expected to last a minimum of 30 days.The center treats men and women over the age of 18. According to the Cirque Lodge Web site, upon check-in, a thorough mental and physical examination is completed.

The Lodge was named by Town & Country magazine to be one of the country’s top rehabs. For a price tag of $30,000 and up, the rehab offers privacy — with rooms for 16 residents at a time. Rooms boast spectacular views, Jacuzzi tubs and private fireplaces… (source)

I don’t think rehab means the same thing to celebrities as it does to regular drunks and addicts. Most people get a cot in a shared room, shitty food, worse coffee and touchy-feely meetings where everybody hugs at the end. Twenty eight days later you leave with a fresh new addiction to cigarettes and a crippling need to have other people to tell you that you’re ‘okay. If you’re a celebrity, you get a room with a view, gourmet meals, a jacuzzi , free access for your friends & family and the guy who brings you 8-balls stuffed inside a beanie baby. Lindsay in ELLE. (source)