NSFW – Fatback Media

THIS JUST IN. Paris Hilton was ordered back to prison to serve out the remainder of her sentence.

Hilton left the courtroom in tears, screaming, “Mom, Mom, Mom.” Hilton was also heard saying “It’s not right.” One witness said that Paris was “physically escorted” out of the courtroom by a female deputy. (source)

Wow. Are they sure? Because I’m pretty sure she’s really rich and that’s not supposed to happen. How else will poor people have something to bitch about? Who will they envy? Looking at that picture, I actually feel sorry for her. Ya, no. Not really at all. I wonder if the dude that bringing the coke and midgets over for her house party tonight will be upset?

Let’s all take a moment to reflect on this. You know, we should show our solidarity by doing things that free people do, like for instance: not have to sleep in a prison. With prisoners. Yeah that’ll show those meanies. Paris we’re here for you. On the outside. Living free and non incarcerated. Just walking around, driving places, eating stuff, drinking beers. Don’t get raped!

So it looks like LA Law may be poised to surpass the Teletubbies in overall toughness and have called Paris Hilton back to court to discuss the validity of her recent release. TMZ report from yesterday:

Late today, L.A. City Attorney Rocky Delgadillo filed paperwork demanding a hearing before Judge Michael Sauer to determine why the Sheriff’s Department allowed Paris to get out of jail when the judge had expressly ordered her to serve out her entire sentence.

The hearing is scheduled for 9:00 AM PDT on Friday. (source)

A hearing. Man. She must be shaking in her Jimmy Choo Strappy sandals. I bet the lawyers have filed some really concise motions and the judge is prepared to hear their briefs in detail. Eeeek! I hope she’s okay!

If it was anybody else, Dog the Bounty Hunter would have broken the door down and hog tied you with cable ties faster than you could snap into a slim jim. Macho Man Randy Savage does play Dog the Bounty Hunter on TV right? ON THAT NOTE… Why does Stacy Kiebler insist on wearing so many clothes? That’s the true crime here.

UPDATE: TMZ reports that Paris Hilton was released for “health reasons”. She is now under house arrest and must to wear an ankle bracelet that notifies the authorities if she leaves the tiny confines of her 5000 square foot house; which is barely 50 times bigger than her spacious jail cell.

Whatever will she do?

I mean ,after a few days it will get boring driving her golden golf cart from one end of the house to another. Or flying a kite in the living room or riding her horse up and down the stairs. Poor kitten. They should have let her go to one of those awesome half-way houses where the cool criminals get to go; where they get to sleep next to each other on ratty cots while they listen to the guards rape the other parolees. LA law, you’re a stinker!

Paris Hilton’s first 3 nights in jail apparently weren’t as nice as she was hoping. According to TMZ, the jailed DUI offender has been crying on the phone and freezing at night.

Paris has been crying on the phone, saying she’s not sleeping or eating. Paris says her cell is “freezing cold.” She has three little blankets and no pillow. She’s using one of the blankets as a pillow. The room is bright and jail noise echoes through her space. (source)

Wow. So her jail sounds like my bedroom when I was growing up. Except I didn’t have a phone, a tv, or as much food and I had to use a cat for a blanket. But, despite of her bullshit crying for no god damn reason, her stay has been pretty quiet so far. I have to admit, I was hoping for a prison riot by the chicas, sisters, and red neck bitches on lock down where they throw fireballs made of shit and human hair and somebody gets shanked with a melted down sharpened toothbrush that was hidden in some inmate’s snatch for just this occasion.

Instead we get a spoiled rich-bitch crying herself to sleep because of the frigid LA night air and no pillow. Brrrr. Do they even put violent criminals in jail anymore? Where’s the rape and attempted murder and sodomy. Penal system, you’ve let me down. You used to be beautiful.