NSFW – Fatback Media

That’s it. I’m done. Congratulations, Lindsay, you’ve beaten me. I used to think that I possessed a biting wit and a funny take on celebrities’ misfortunes that would endear me to the masses, but you’ve taken that away from me. You’ve worn me down, and I’m waving the tattered white flag of surrender. First you get a DUI on Memorial Day weekend, then you enter rehab. OK, I’ll cut you some slack on account of your admitting that you’re a complete alcoholic (whereas I’m only halfway, i.e. I don’t have to go to rehab just yet). Then you celebrate your 21st birthday, sober and with your mom. I celebrated mine at a Bacchalanian Italian feast before gallivanting across Southern Europe for the next 3 months, but once again, I was willing to take it easy on you. Then you go out and drag race across LA last night, drunk on appletinis (or were they cosmos?) with some blow in your pocket, to boot. At this point, you have entered an area of celebrity culture that used to be reserved for Mike Tyson, Anna Nicole, and Michael Jackson. You’re so goddamned crazy that you’ve taken the fun out of it for the rest of us.

Lindsay Lohan was arrested for drunk driving in Santa Monica early this morning — her second bust in less than three months.

According to the L.A. County Sheriff’s Dept., 21-year-old Lohan was nailed around 2:15 AM near Pico Boulevard and Main Street early Tuesday morning. (source)

So congratulations, Lindsay. I am a broken man. Here’s to your last few months on earth, because you’re no doubt only a few months away from launching your Benz off of the Santa Monica Pier on the way to screw some B-level male celebrity. Rest assured that I’ll pour out a wine cooler for you when the day comes. Here’s Lindsay in happier times.

These are some of the most boring photos EVER of Lindsay Lohan celebrating her 21st birthday by the beach. I think I’m starting a petition to bring back the fire crotch. Sobriety is for quitters.

Not only was Lindsay’s beachfront birthday blowout supervised by her mother (who brought along her little brother for extra support), but we’re hearing that the party’s entertainment was overseen by a team of Promises folks – according to our source, the strongest stuff at the party was lemonade and soda! (source)

Dude, when your rehab coach supervises your 21st, you know you have a problem. I’m sure they figured out a way to get some contraband in there. Scope with a vanilla extract chaser anyone? Hardcore, bitches. Sucks to be Lindsay Lohan. I spent my 21st birthday in proper southern fashion – pounding Jager bombs and dancing topless on a table with a dude in a trucker hat and a spider monkey. That is, of course, until we were asked to leave due to “inappropriate behavior”. Fucking Waffle House. Anyway. Is it just me or is LiLo’s mother a total MILF? Wait, I meant really creepy looking bitch.

Elevenety billion more boring pics of Lindsay Lohan at her boring drug free party here.

Emma Watson likes to party y’all. She and her other Harry Potter cast mates, Rupert Grint and Daniel Radcliffe (all teenagers) have admitted to experimenting with smoking and drinking like other teenagers. They just do it behind closed doors.

Emma, 17, said: “You are careful not to do it in the public eye. You have your first cigarette or first glass of alcohol in a safe environment with your close friends – or you could be foolish and choose to do it in a London nightclub.” (source)

You gotta hand it to Emma here. First she doesn’t insult anyone’s intelligence by lying about experimentation, and she has the decorum to do it behind closed doors. (Well, except for that one time). Lindsay Lohan could use a lesson here. The point is, all teenagers experiment with sex, drugs, and alcohol. It’s just a normal part of adolescent socialization and a transition into the process of self discovery and actualization. It’s also a way to find out who the really slutty girls are in high school. True story. I’m a doctor.

And more hot teen images for you pervs. Reeeow, that Danny Radcliffe is smokin’ .

Paris Hilton reportedly suffers from extreme ADD and claustrophobia, which is why she was released from jail earlier this month.

TMZ has learned that Paris Hilton suffers from extreme Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) and claustrophobia, and these conditions may have triggered the Sheriff’s decision to spring her from Lynwood Jail last week.

We’re told Hilton is taking Adderall for her ADD. Although our sources were not specific, we’re told Hilton was not receiving all of her medications at Lynwood. As a result, Hilton was having severe panic attacks in jail. There were times she was so debilitated, she could not push the panic button in her cell. (source)

What kind of jail has a panic button? Was she incarcerated by Mayor McCheese and Grimace the cop in a Ronald McDonald Playground? Also, in case you haven’t heard, ADD is a made up disorder. That’s right. Fucking completely bullshit. The whole ADD/ADHD phenomenon was invented so rich parents wouldn’t have to feel guilty about being shitty guardians and so their kids could snort drugs in school legally. I’m not a bad parent…my kid had ADD.

BULL. SHIT.

You know what they give kids whose parents can’t afford Adderall and Ritalin? A belt across the ass and no supper. And a god damn life lesson. Shut the fuck up and you’ll get fed. Nobody cares about your problems. I went to school with Ritalin tweakers who ended up way more fucked up because they were so geeked out and paranoid they couldn’t concentrate at school or at home. ADD/ADHD diagnosis will only coddle an already fucked up kid and make it okay to be broken. Instead of teaching a child to be self reliant and to learn from mistakes, ADD relegates them to an adult life where nothing is their fault and they can always blame the condition or the medication. Fuck you. Stop crying.