Fresh out of rehab, Lindsay Lohan began her mandatory community service stemming from her DUI conviction at an LA blood donation center on Monday.

The ‘Mean Girls’ star arrived at an American Red Cross blood services facility, located in an LA suburb, at noon and was greeted by staff in the parking lot.

She left at 7pm carrying a book entitled ‘BLOOD’ under one arm. (source)

Um, hello. Nosferatu, much? I guess instead of using methadone and suboxone they’re using the dark powers of Anne Rice to help people kick drugs these days. Honestly, it’s trading one addiction for another and perpetuating the co-dependent cycle. At least that’s what my book ‘How to Serve Man’ says. True story.

Lindsay Lohan failed at being a drunken whore and now she’s failed at being a sober whore. She reportedly tested positive for cocaine recently at the Utah rehab center where she’s been staying. This may prevent her from being released on schedule.

The ‘Mean Girls’ star – who has been receiving treatment for drug and alcohol addiction at Utah’s Cirque Lodge for two months – was said to have completed her programme last week but it has been claimed she was forced to stay on after testing positive for cocaine.

Insiders also alleged she has been drinking alcohol and mixing diet pills with prescription anti-anxiety medication in a bid to get high.

A source told Australia’s New Weekly magazine: “I think she’ll take whatever pills they allow her. It’s obvious to me she’s high because she acts loopy and can’t seem to walk in a straight line!” (source)

I think we can all agree that regardless of what poor Lindsay’s been through, her breasts still look great. And if there’s one thing that makes everything okay in America it’s a nice rack.

There’s a war going on.

Yeah but did you see Lindsay’s tits?

I know! God bless us every one!

I think I like the failed rehabbed coke whore Lindsay the best. All that positive thinking and happy-happy joy-joy is sexy as hell. Because you know she is just seething underneath to get her freak on in bathroom with some random dude with horse mouth and a bloody nose. Why? Because rehab doesn’t work. All they teach in rehab is how to trade dependence (on drugs, alcohol, sex[!], etc) for co-dependence on other people who are just as fucked up as you are. Trying to kick a habit in rehab is like asking a drowning person to help you swim to safety. Or asking me to have sex with you. Ladies call me. I have blow.

After literally skating on drug possession, reckless driving, and several other charges, Lindsay Lohan has copped a plea for two DUI arrests and she’s going to do time. She gets credit for 1 day served and she’ll have to 10 hours of community service and she’ll have to be incarcerated for 24 hours. One. Fucking. Day. Oh, and somehow in LA County DUI is not a felony. In my home town down south, it’s a felony to have beers on the beach, even if you’re sitting right in front of your own beach house. The great thing about all this is that Lindsay’s mother, Dina Lohan sees the gravity of this situation and is stepping up as a parent. Wait, no. She’s acting like an oblivious, self-absorbed, has-been whore living vicariously (and tragically) through her daughter in whom she is both bitterly jealous and financially dependent.

“My children and I are in a wonderful place in our lives,” Dina told 24Sizzler.com Thursday evening, “and people just want to make things up and see us fail!” (Source)

No Dina. We can’t make shit like this up. Fucking Shakespeare couldn’t make shit like this up and half of his tragic heroines slept with a close family member on accident or killed someone and all them ended up dead at an early age. With a parent like you, I almost feel sorry for Lindsay Lohan. But then I remember that she says stuff like “I’m a celebrity, I can do whatever the fuck I want”.  Here’s the rub…she can. Dun dun DUNNN.

Lindsay Lohan has entered rehab in Utah at an exclusive “lodge” that purports to give its guests all the comforts of home – like a jacuzzi, fireplace and stunning views – while they’re rehabilitating for the meager price tag of $30,000.00.

Lindsay Lohan has entered the Cirque Lodge drug and alcohol rehab in Sundance, Utah. According to sources within the facility, the 21-year-old star arrived this weekend to begin the intense rehabilitation program that is expected to last a minimum of 30 days.The center treats men and women over the age of 18. According to the Cirque Lodge Web site, upon check-in, a thorough mental and physical examination is completed.

The Lodge was named by Town & Country magazine to be one of the country’s top rehabs. For a price tag of $30,000 and up, the rehab offers privacy — with rooms for 16 residents at a time. Rooms boast spectacular views, Jacuzzi tubs and private fireplaces… (source)

I don’t think rehab means the same thing to celebrities as it does to regular drunks and addicts. Most people get a cot in a shared room, shitty food, worse coffee and touchy-feely meetings where everybody hugs at the end. Twenty eight days later you leave with a fresh new addiction to cigarettes and a crippling need to have other people to tell you that you’re ‘okay. If you’re a celebrity, you get a room with a view, gourmet meals, a jacuzzi , free access for your friends & family and the guy who brings you 8-balls stuffed inside a beanie baby. Lindsay in ELLE. (source)

Lindsay Lohan is a role model for young girls everywhere. She proves that honesty and good character are the ways to make it big. Either that, or by being a drunk lying whore. Apparently, a mere 36 hours before she got arrested in May for DUI, she sat down with Elle Magazine to tell them how resposible she really was.

“They’re looking for me, to like trip, so they can be like, ‘Oh Lindsay’s wasted and driving drunk.’ And that’s not it. I wouldn’t violate. … I’m much more responsible than that.”

The following night, on May 26, she was arrested for driving under the influence when her car crashed; cops found she had cocaine with her. Her second drunken driving/cocaine bust came the morning of July 24 after a high-speed chase in Santa Monica, Calif. The September issue of Elle hits newsstands Tuesday. (source)

Amazing. Inspirational! I think she was telling the cops this the next night when they were cuffing her, impounding her car and putting her cocaine in the evidence bag.