Now you know how I feel about awards shows. So I’m not going to do a MEGA POST! or a VMA’s RECAP! or post any bullshit images of stars coming or going to the VMA’s today. I hate award shows. I’d rather eat a dogshit sandwich with gnat-butter mayo wrapped in dried human skin, than be forced to suffer the award show bacchanalia; with its participants ceremoniously trading disingenuous adulation and hyperbolic platitudes while in turns genuflecting then backslapping each until their egos literally can’t fit within the guilded hall built especially for them by golden idol worshiping heathens of decades past. I just really don’t like award shows, okay?

That said, this particular VMA’s seems to have sucked particularly hard on the crusty leathery teat of mediocrity and still come up with a mouth full of dust. Even Jack Black was off his game. What began as a spoof on the awkward pauses and missteps connatural to most live shows, ended with real life awkward pauses and missteps leaving the audience underwhelmed and confused. Jack “Tenacious Fucking D” Black? ‘You used to be beautiful, man…’ The sound you hear is millions of tv remotes switching the channel.

I think they should just eliminate the awards shows and just have the red carpet. That’s all anyone really cares about anyway. Which one do you think will make the top post on this site faster: Award for Best Cinematography in a Foreign Documentary or Best Nip-slip by, uh… anyone?

As for the VMA’s? The first five minutes were all I needed to convince me that Discovery Channel or INHD or my cat’s litter box had something way better for me to watch while I drank small-yield, boutique red wine from Healdsburg California with a six foot tall Swedish supermodel on Thursday; which is of course, is naked night. I could go on but I think I lost everyone about 14 paragraphs back. Artful segue time. So, speaking of tall athletic women… I rarely watch tennis so I have never heard of this girl. Her name is Daniela Hantuchova and, judging by these pictures, she is apparently 9 feet tall and defeats her competition by stepping on their villages. She’s Czech or Slovakian or Monacan or something.