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Jessica Simpson on E-Bay

Fatback — Thu, 30 Nov 2006 17:24:01 +0000

An extra on the set of Jessica Simpson’s movie, Employee of the Month, is auctioning off a chewed piece of Jessica’s gum on eBay. No wonder she’s only an extra.

The blonde actress discarded the candy as she was preparing to shoot a kissing scene with her co-star Dane Cook in their movie “Employee of the Month.”

Jessica, 26, gave the gum to an extra on set who rather than throw it away has decided to make a quick buck.

“Jessica was chewing gum when shooting started and asked if we would mind her putting her gum in a napkin on our table.”

“I joked that I would sell it on eBay. She said, ‘Go for it. You might make 99 cents.’”

“Here’s that pale blue gum. It was in her mouth so it has her DNA on it so you can clone her.”

The seller will also provide a letter of authenticity, some gossip from the film and a “head shot to the winning bidder so that they have proof that I am sitting next to Jessica in the movie.”

(source)

This is like the time I lost my glasses once at camp…except it isn’t like that time because I would change glasses to ‘virginity’ and lost to ‘forced myself on the camp counselor’. Not only does this ‘extra’ now have enough germs to classify for level 5 containment, but she clearly lacks what we essentially take for granted…a fucking clue. Everybody knows you have to cut her hair while she gently sleeps off the GHB you slipped in her drink. So peaceful. Soft, soft hair.
Wait, did she say clone Jessica? Social decay, nuclear warfare, George Bush and botox made the list, but I’m pretty sure Jessica Simpson was not in Revelation as a sign of apocalypse. Unless of course she’s the antichrist. Which would be sweet. Bless her heart.

UPDATE: The bidding is up to $127.00. See it here!

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Jessica Simpson is a liar

Fatback — Fri, 06 Oct 2006 14:08:00 +0000

Jessica Simpson is apparently over her self imposed waiting period (did it ever start?) to start seeing other men. Rumor has it that she has been “close” with Dane Cook, Zach Braff and John Mayer all in the last few months. According to TMZ she was seen getting very close to Dane Cook a few nights ago at the Employee of the Month premier party.

But just two nights before [the premier party], as TMZ reported exclusively, the pop princess showed up at the Four Seasons hotel in Los Angeles, and promptly disappeared into the night – or, at least, an elevator – with rocker John Mayer. As for her evening at Manhattan hotspot Tenjune with Cook, Page Six spies say that the “Employee” co-stars spent the evening “whispering into each other’s ears” (of course, it’s a very loud club) and that Dane “kept coming back to her every time he was pulled away.” At the end of the night, however, Jess left with her real constant companion – hairdresser Ken Paves. (source)

I’m not sure what Ken Paves did to her hair but I know that it’s about 40 years too late. I’m so confused by her hair that I’m not even sure what I mean by that. Also, she’s not wearing a bra. But before you get out your Photoshop lens and a some tissues, take a closer look. She’s wearing those little rubbery things that girls get in the lingerie section that stick to their boobs and hold them up when they want it to appear that they are bra-less. Unfortunately, those things cover up the nipples, ruining the whole effect. It’s disingenuous and confusing. Kinda like a Stuff Magazine shoot. “Hey, here are some boobies on a hot model, but unfortunately this model is an alien and mysteriously has no nipples under her fish-net seethru shirt.” The question you may be asking is: why was I in the lingerie section looking at rubbery boobie holder uppers? Research, people. Pure research.

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Jessica Simpson will burn in hell

Fatback — Wed, 20 Sep 2006 15:55:50 +0000

Jessica Simpson and her sister Ashlee are destined for the fires of hell according to a Baptist minister who is lashing out at them for using sex to sell their records. Reverend Bob Harrington is publicly chastising the girls and their father for turning away from their religion for profits.

“Their father has replaced his faith in the Lord with the love of money, which is the root of all evil. He has replaced holiness with horniness,” the Sun quoted the holy man, as saying.

“They don’t represent American standards and certainly not Christian standards,” he added.

The religious leader has also used harsh words for the Dukes Of Hazzard star’s most prized possession – her over-sized boobs. He has said their boobs would end up drooping as punishment for their sins.

“Jessica and Ashlee will reap the dismal crops they are sowing. Their breasts will sag and their faces will wither and they will be left with nothing but a hollow shell,” said the priest. (source)

I think the fires of hell will welcome them both, with fiery open arms. Somehow, I picture this guy looking like the creepy dude in the black hat from Poltergeist 2. I’m not sure how comfortable I would feel going to church with him as the preacher. Of course, Sunday mornings in my house were spent watching my mom cry to the 700 Club because my newest “uncle” took off before breakfast and stole her smokes. Sinner.

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Jessica Simpson and Dane Cook probably still dating

Fatback — Thu, 13 Jul 2006 13:04:35 +0000

Looks like this little ~~made-up story~~ rumor about Jessica Simpson and Dane Cook may be true after all. So I don’t take back this post or this post about Dane two-timing Raquel Houghton. It just goes to show you that people who star in movies together end up banging. I think it’s a law in LA. I know it’s a law in my home movies. I get the waiver signed.

Is Jessica Simpson cuddling up to her “Employee of the Month” co-star?

“Extra” has learned that Jess may be going on the record to deny she’s dating comedian cutie Dane Cook, but Us Weekly’s Katrina Szish says the new issue has a different story to tell!

“Sources tell us the two have been spotted snuggling and are definitely seeing each other,” she revealed. (source)

So here are some advanced shots of the movie posters for Employee of the month which, despite the fact that the premise looks weak, may end up being okay because of Dane Cook and some possible Jessica Simpson bikini action. So, to whet your appetite here’s Jess in her bikini in Cabo doing her best “What? Where did those photographers come from? fiddle-dee-dee” impression.

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