So it’s slow and I’m hungover so you get a GD linkpost and some old caps of Christina Aguilera nude in a perfume ad. See how I put Christina Aguilera and nude together in the same sentence? That’s called SEO and it pays the bill, baby. Speaking of paying the bills. WTF is this commercial selling? From what I can tell it’s perfume that makes you more of a whore. Well, sir. You win.

Links, whore.

• Okay. Yeah. People having sex while being tattooed. (Crave)
• Jamie Lynn Spears is a little lady. (IBBB)
• Mary Kate Olsen is kind of a whore. (Allie)
• Peter Petrelli is a hero… to all pervs. (Holy Candy)
• Bret Ratner banged Lindsay Lohan but don’t quote him on that. (Evil Beet)
• Sienna Miller nude and pissed. (Drunken stepfather)
• Giselle Bundtcake does GQ (Bastardly)
• Alexandra is the college girl of the week (College Humor)
• Pamela Anderson got married again. SEX TAPE! (Yeeeah)
• BeStiller’s new movie sucks wind – like a queef. (Pajiba)

God. Damn.

What is about Christina Aguilera these days? Hmmm. There’s definitely something different. Ohhhh, right. It’s the big ass titties. Christina Aguilera has been flying under the celeb radar for a while and hasn’t really been making tabloid headlines since she got married. I think that may be because she has intelligence, decorum and class and also because she’s not a idiot redneck whore. She does have an impossibly large rack and that warrants her a special place in all our hearts – even if she did marry a goblin.

I hear she’s pregnant; which may be the reason her chest went from 36DD to 36WTF in last few months. Normally pregnant chicks scare me because of their fuzzy fat bellies and those creepy outties and all that crying about “it’s your baby, I can’t do this alone“, but Christina looks like she’s keeping her pea in smallish sized pod. So, you could technically still have sex with her without being grossed out. Thanks for the mammaries. I love that one. Much more after the jump.

I’m not sure how old these are ( I think they’re from the Dirrrty video), but it’s Christina Aguilera. And that’s her nipple right there with a ring in it. Nipples + nipple ring = news. Just ask Bob Woodward. I’m having the scientists down at the lab on my skull shaped island hideout analyze these for authenticity. I have a white apron and a pair of tongs so I’m going to do some investigating of my own. I’ll get to the bottom of this mystery. Just like when Sally Kimball and I solved the Case of The Round Square.

Check out Christina Aguilera in Maxim’s March issue where she reveals wicked bedroom secrets. Sassy!

Maxim: There seems to be new celebrity divorce in the tabloids every week. How do you guys keep it going? Role-playing? Costumes?

CA: How did you get into my bedroom? [laughs] We always have fun. I like to play doctor.
Maxim: Details, please.

CA: I got Jordan a doctor’s outfit with a doctor’s bag full of sex toys. I wore the naughty nurse costume, of course.

With all the Anna Nicole Smiths, Britneys and Hiltons (et al) fucking it up for everyone, it’s nice to see that someone with a real talent can still make a living these days. Christina Aguilera is a little teeney smokin’ hot pixie and I just want to kiss her on head and put her in my pocket. It’s almost unfair that she’s so hot and she can sing so well. It’s like having sex with a prostitute and then she decides to let have it for free. And you weren’t even going to kill this one. Remember we promised ourself? Okay, that’s a little different. I bet she’d look good in duct tape.

Christina Aguilera recently told talk show host Ellen DeGeneres that she and husband Jordan Bratman keep their marriage spicy by being entirely naked on Sundays.

“We have something called naked Sundays.”

“Excuse me?” DeGeneres asks. “Did you say naked Sundays?”

“You have to keep marriage alive, spice it up,” says Aguilera, admitting that some added heat is required even though the two have only been married for “a big whole year.”

“[In November] we just celebrated our first anniversary, and on Sundays we just do everything in the house, and we’re just cozy and laid back,” she says. “We don’t need to go anywhere, we’re just with each other.” We do everything naked. We cook naked.” (source)

That is simultaneously the best and worst news I have ever heard. On one hand you have Christina Aguilera frolicking naked like a pixie witch in defiance of the Lord and the Sabbath, and on the other hand she’s getting man handled the whole time by a ham fisted creature from middle earth. It’s a heart-rending dichotomy- that at once personifies true beauty and true evil – which unceasingly burdens your soul. Kinda like feeling razor stubble when that hot chick you met at the cowboy bar goes down on you. Here’s Christina at Hyde on Puxatawny Phil Day.