NSFW - Fatback Media

So it’s slow and I’m hungover so you get a GD linkpost and some old caps of Christina Aguilera nude in a perfume ad. See how I put Christina Aguilera and nude together in the same sentence? That’s called SEO and it pays the bill, baby. Speaking of paying the bills. WTF is this commercial selling? From what I can tell it’s perfume that makes you more of a whore. Well, sir. You win.

Links, whore.

• Okay. Yeah. People having sex while being tattooed. (Crave)
• Jamie Lynn Spears is a little lady. (IBBB)
• Mary Kate Olsen is kind of a whore. (Allie)
• Peter Petrelli is a hero… to all pervs. (Holy Candy)
• Bret Ratner banged Lindsay Lohan but don’t quote him on that. (Evil Beet)
• Sienna Miller nude and pissed. (Drunken stepfather)
• Giselle Bundtcake does GQ (Bastardly)
• Alexandra is the college girl of the week (College Humor)
• Pamela Anderson got married again. SEX TAPE! (Yeeeah)
• BeStiller’s new movie sucks wind - like a queef. (Pajiba)

God. Damn.

What is about Christina Aguilera these days? Hmmm. There’s definitely something different. Ohhhh, right. It’s the big ass titties. Christina Aguilera has been flying under the celeb radar for a while and hasn’t really been making tabloid headlines since she got married. I think that may be because she has intelligence, decorum and class and also because she’s not a idiot redneck whore. She does have an impossibly large rack and that warrants her a special place in all our hearts - even if she did marry a goblin.

I hear she’s pregnant; which may be the reason her chest went from 36DD to 36WTF in last few months. Normally pregnant chicks scare me because of their fuzzy fat bellies and those creepy outties and all that crying about “it’s your baby, I can’t do this alone“, but Christina looks like she’s keeping her pea in smallish sized pod. So, you could technically still have sex with her without being grossed out. Thanks for the mammaries. I love that one. Much more after the jump.

I’m not sure how old these are ( I think they’re from the Dirrrty video), but it’s Christina Aguilera. And that’s her nipple right there with a ring in it. Nipples + nipple ring = news. Just ask Bob Woodward. I’m having the scientists down at the lab on my skull shaped island hideout analyze these for authenticity. I have a white apron and a pair of tongs so I’m going to do some investigating of my own. I’ll get to the bottom of this mystery. Just like when Sally Kimball and I solved the Case of The Round Square.

Check out Christina Aguilera in Maxim’s March issue where she reveals wicked bedroom secrets. Sassy!

Maxim: There seems to be new celebrity divorce in the tabloids every week. How do you guys keep it going? Role-playing? Costumes?

CA: How did you get into my bedroom? [laughs] We always have fun. I like to play doctor.
Maxim: Details, please.

CA: I got Jordan a doctor’s outfit with a doctor’s bag full of sex toys. I wore the naughty nurse costume, of course.

With all the Anna Nicole Smiths, Britneys and Hiltons (et al) fucking it up for everyone, it’s nice to see that someone with a real talent can still make a living these days. Christina Aguilera is a little teeney smokin’ hot pixie and I just want to kiss her on head and put her in my pocket. It’s almost unfair that she’s so hot and she can sing so well. It’s like having sex with a prostitute and then she decides to let have it for free. And you weren’t even going to kill this one. Remember we promised ourself? Okay, that’s a little different. I bet she’d look good in duct tape.

Christina Aguilera recently told talk show host Ellen DeGeneres that she and husband Jordan Bratman keep their marriage spicy by being entirely naked on Sundays.

“We have something called naked Sundays.”

“Excuse me?” DeGeneres asks. “Did you say naked Sundays?”

“You have to keep marriage alive, spice it up,” says Aguilera, admitting that some added heat is required even though the two have only been married for “a big whole year.”

“[In November] we just celebrated our first anniversary, and on Sundays we just do everything in the house, and we’re just cozy and laid back,” she says. “We don’t need to go anywhere, we’re just with each other.” We do everything naked. We cook naked.” (source)

That is simultaneously the best and worst news I have ever heard. On one hand you have Christina Aguilera frolicking naked like a pixie witch in defiance of the Lord and the Sabbath, and on the other hand she’s getting man handled the whole time by a ham fisted creature from middle earth. It’s a heart-rending dichotomy- that at once personifies true beauty and true evil - which unceasingly burdens your soul. Kinda like feeling razor stubble when that hot chick you met at the cowboy bar goes down on you. Here’s Christina at Hyde on Puxatawny Phil Day.

Nothing like a good catfight to get the day started off right. Except it’s closing time and there really wasn’t a catfight to speak of. That’s why I have a picture of Diora Baird. Non sequitur to follow non sequitur. There is order in chaos and entropy follows distinct patterns. I think I can see the future baby!

• Kim Kardashian has a giant rack..oh and she does some stuff. (Bastardly)
• Renee Zellweger misses the golden ratio by the value of Plank’s constant. (Yeeeah)
• Ricky Schroeder will be on this season of 24. He and Jack Bauer will ride that little train through his living room and get into adventures! (Socialite’s Life)
• Britney wears panties this week. Jesus showed me the way. (Drunken Stepfather)
• Gwyneth Paltrow foams more clotted cream. Those Brits and their rich history. Sigh. (Bumpshack)
• Uma Thurman is 6 foot tall and full o’ muscles. (Smart)
• Van Wilder - Part crap: eruditely, disparately, twice-reviewed by Dustin Rowles. (Pajiba)
• Lindsay Lohan: Cherokee Indian. All ends in tears my friends. (ICYDK)
• Witness the mastery of the Michelangelo of MS Paint (College Humor)

While I figure out the rest of life’s answers feel free to browse more of Diora Baird Naked. I run a tight ship here folks.

Besides being the longest titled post I have ever written, this has all the makings of my favorite post ever. Or at least today. It has Scarlett Johannson, Natalie Portman and Christina Aguilera all in the same room. And there’s the possibility of a cat fight. So go ahead make the rrreeeow sound and make a scratchy claw motion with your hand. The Sun UK has this vernacular laden post. Try to say the whole thing your best east London accent. It’s fun!

I RECKON pop vixen CHRISTINA AGUILERA should record a cover of It’s My Party And I’ll Cry If I Want To.The singer had a face like thunder as she stormed out of her own 1920s-themed aftershow party at London’s Paper club on Thursday night.

And there was a good reason for the Dirrty looks. Aggy was far from pleased when Hollywood stars NATALIE PORTMAN and SCARLETT JOHANSSON stole the limelight at the bash after her sell-out Wembley gig.

The party-loving pair rocked up in the wee small hours and plonked themselves down beside her in the VIP area.
Furious Aggy gave them a killer stare and turned her back before bailing out soon after, leaving them to rule the dancefloor.

The gorgeous gatecrashers stayed until the bitter end then snuck out with jumpers over their heads to hide their bleary eyes from snappers like true party professions.

Looks like we’ve got new challengers in the Caners League . . .(source)

Wait what? All I got from that besides the haphazard ‘ctrl-B‘ usage was Scarlett and Natalie, Texas A&M and a turtle. What the fuck is a caner?

Here are a couple of pics from the Wembly show with some extras thrown in.

Hey y’all. It’s Halloween, my favorite holiday and it’s time for the 1st annual FB&C Celebrity Halloween Costume Contest. Our panel of expert judges, mostly consisting of me, have reviewed the top celebrity costumes this year and we have decided on the winner. We’d like to thank the celebrities for all the really inspired costumes this year. We can’t say for sure, but from the look of things, most of our contestants planned out their costumes tens of minutes before leaving the house. Sweet! Here are the contestants. Continue after the jump.

Read more »

Afternoon links! It’s Monday and the week already sucks. Stop working and kill the rest of the day reading internet gold.

Hayden Panittierre is still jailbait, so that makes you a dirty perv. (The Bastardly)

Fergie’s song London Bridge is apparently a reference to a group sex position. I wonder if she’s heard of Rodeo style? (Yeeeah)

Christina Aguilera in October JANE. How long till I post these myself? (INO)

Reese Witherspoon + Cake = Super yummy. (Smart)

For the ladies. LOST and Sawyer are returning in nine days. The square root of 9 is 3, which is a prime number. LOST comes on at 9, which is PRIMEtime. Coincidence? Huh? HUH? Math rulez. (Bumpshack)

Jesus H Martinez! See the MySpace showdown between JM and some DJ who may be gay. His text siggy is 2 turntables and a mixer. CLEVER! (DrunkenStepfather)

Steven Tyler has Hepatits C. Which is just slightly classier than Hepatitis B. (Gossip or truth)

It’s Spankin’ Free Music Week at MTV. Head over and check out all the new goodness. (MTV)

So my super-secret sexy source in NYC sent me some promo photos of Jessica Alba who  hosted the MTV Movie Awards which airs tomorrow night. Although I would have preferred some bikini pictures of Jessica Alba holding that Popcorn Trophy in my pool, it turns out that they never ask me before they do these photo shoots. Eye of the beholder , baby. Here are some more promo shots of Jessica and some of the show including Christina Aguilera, who performed her new song “Ain’t No other Man”. Grammar notwithstanding, this song again proves why Christina Aguilera is known as a singer and Britney and Jessica are “entertainers”.

Here’s a video from the MTV Movie Awards Show of jessica Kicking some Paparazzi ass.
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