By now you’ve probably heard about the latest former American Idol contestant to embarrass her family and generally act like a drunken piece of trash, Jessica Sierra. It seems that ole’ Jess got herself into a bit of trouble on Saturday night when she got into a bar fight in Tampa and was found to have some Bolivian marching powder in her purse. She was reportedly abusive to the arresting officers after she threw a cocktail glass at a fellow booze hound.

It appears that since she was kicked off of Idol, Jessica Sierra (porno name, anyone?) has tried to get a record contact and has been WORKING AT HOOTERS. Let’s see: cocaine, alcohol, trampy name, reality show cast-off, and now my favorite delightfully tacky, yet unrefined restaurant. This girl’s life reads like a Mad Libs of American white trash. To complete the sweep, she might as well release a sex tape that was filmed in her single-wide where she smokes Kools and chugs Boone’s Farm straight from the bottle. God bless Tampa, home of 94% of America’s whores, and God bless Jessica Sierra and the plate of curly fries and wings she is currently serving to a trucker.

While I wouldn’t fuck Jessica Sierra with Kelly Clarkson’s dick, I do have a soft spot for the lovely Ms. Carrie Underwood. Something tells me that Carrie’s never donned orange hot pants and a tank top. [Ed. note: Shooter, I just know she has. If there is a a god in heaven...]

The Good

Gretchen Wilson is simple but damn hot. Redneck women unite!

The Bad

Is it feathers? Is it hair? It’s Laura Birna and it’s wrong.

The Ugly

Bombshell? Kind of a misnomer, huh? Is that a combover? I am so lost.

The Smokin Hot

Carrie Underwood could be dressed in a laundry basket with silly string in her hair and she’d still be the most adorable thing this side of Canada. Actually, that’d probably make her even cuter.

The Owned

Here’s Faith Hill, ever the gracious country lady, taking the news that she just lost out to an American Idol contestant.

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