It turns out that Justin Timberlake is up for an award at the MTV Movie Awards and both his ex, Cameron Diaz and his current girlfriend, Jessica Biel, will be there. I think MTV Movie Awards should come with a mandatory asterisk because, winning an MTV Award for acting is the equivalent of an astronaut getting a hand job from an elementary school science teacher for engineering achievements.

Besides my skillful use of the apostrophe, I’m also good at sizing up competitors in a street fight. And I’m going with Biel for the KO on this one.

Handlers are working overtime to prevent any drama between Cameron Diaz and Jessica Biel at the June 3 MTV Movie Awards, where the dueling divas will meet for the first time since their Golden Globe dust-up last winter.

In January, Page Six reported that Diaz “blew up” at her then-recent ex, Justin Timberlake, when she spotted him flirting with his now-girlfriend Biel at an after-party at the Beverly Hills Hotel. This Sunday, the love triangle will reunite for the first time since the incident – on live TV.

Sources revealed that Diaz and Biel are both presenting awards at the ceremony, while Timberlake is nominated for best breakthrough performance for his role in “Alpha Dog.” (source)

I’m all for a good cat fight, but setting Jessica Biel loose on Cameron Diaz is pretty unfair. Maybe if she had to fight all Charlie’s Angel’s actresses (past and present) and Director McG and a polar bear that just had its eye poked, it would be a fair fight. Jessica Biel is scary hot. Like, I’d be scared to bang her, because if she got pissed off she might rip me in half. But I could so fall fast asleep in her loving, rippled, muscular arms.

More Jessica Biel , street fighting champ.

So apparently there was a Gala at  the the Costume Institute this week. And apparently there is actually a Costume Institute as well. From the looks of the photos coming from the gala, it was more of a cleavage contest than costume exhibition. I should to add some of my best costumes to the Gala, like the hefty bag and purple gloves that I used for my California Raisin costume in the 9th grade at Anna Wilson’s costume party. Which, as it turns out, wasn’t really a costume party. Oh yeah, they weren’t  laughing any more when the second story caught fire, were they? I love the smell of napalm in the morning. Links!

• Pipi Long has all the cleave-tastic photos from the Costume Institute Gala. (Pipi)
• Britney Spears comeback tour sho go away again. (DS)
• Jenny McCarthy ads a little class to the Kentucky Derby. (Bastardly)
• Paris Hilton smokes a fat ass J. Made of poor people skin. True Story. (D-Listed)
• Spiderman 3 is out of web fluid. I liked the Spidey on the Electric Company. (Pajiba)
• Jessica Simpson looks like a tranny prostitute. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. (Yeeeah)
• Paris Hilton, rehires publicist, fires lawyer, eats a poor person. (Celebitchy)
• JT and Cameron D kiss. OMG! Arethey BFF’s again. I would so <3 that. (Bumpshack)

Adriana Lima is probably the prettiest girl on the planet. I don’t think anyone will argue that. I know. I know. Beauty is subjective, and in the eye of the beholder and different for everyone, even at different times. Like right now, for me, Adriana Lima is pretty fucking close to the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen. But last week in San Jose, after 17 tequilas, Martina was the prettiest girl I had ever seen. Martina had a huge adam’s apple and never took off her panties. Oh but the way she held me on that warm spring night and carried back to my car over her shoulder. That’s true love baby. Although, I still can’t find my wallet.

•  Cameron Diaz sans bra. That’s fancy talk for she’s showing her nipples (DS)
• Would you like to come up to my apt for some BOOBIES? (CH)
• Bend it like Beckham’s wang. For the ladies (and a few of you dudes) (D-Listed)
• Paris Hilton is about to be caged (wonky eyed) heat. I have a carton of Newports that says she gets shiv’d within 48 hours. (IDLYITW)
• Jessica Alba kisses her dog. The dog has a boner. Maybe that’s just me. I like bestiality. (Jordan)
• Lindsay Lohan is a superhero. If being a bulemic, coke whore with daddy issues are the criteria for superness. (Yeeeah)
• Jennifer Tilly, still keeping the rack up to speed. (Bastardly)
• Perfect Stangers is perfect for Lifetime and a tub of Cherry Garcia. (Pajiba)

More Adriana.

So our servers are back online and I am finally out of NORAD for the duration, although I did get to play some computer chess with Joshua. Hopefully, the anal raping we gave the servers will teach them a lesson: never fail me. Never. Anyhoo. I have some stories on deck and Emily does too so we’ll get those up ASAP. Till then here is Ashlee Simpson’s nipple and some hot links to tide you over, sugar.

• Vanessa Minnillo is a dirty bird. Just like I like ‘em. (Yeeeah)
• Lisa Dergan is hot. Yeah.No clue. (Bastardly)
• Always a good time for College boobies. Especially girl college boobies. (College Humor)
• Olsen Twin Nip Slips. Uncle Jesse! (Drunken Stepfather)
• Scarlett Johansson is a fussy bitch. Justin Timberlake is a whiny bitch. (INO)
• Prince is going to start his own magazine. That will be the nastiest porn ever. I just had a mini-O. (Glitterati)
• Jessica Simpson is wo’ out.So Joe is all about some Ashlee now. (Socialite’s Life)
• Justin T and Cameron D are broke the fuck up. (Popbytes)
• Angie Harmon See thru. Sexy Southern nipples y’all! (Subvert)

To all you sexy people who were worried about us in our absence, thanks. The battle station is fully operational now.

Hey ya’ll. Emily here. Cameron Diaz should have been a lawyer. Or on Law & Order. That’s basically the same thing.

Cameron Diaz filed a police report Wednesday accusing a photographer of assault with a deadly weapon for allegedly driving his car at her, police said. Diaz and her boyfriend, Justin Timberlake, were leaving a friend’s home in Hollywood just after midnight Wednesday when a photographer who had been hiding in the bushes jumped out and tried to snap a picture of the pair, said police Officer April Harding. The couple chased the photographer “a short distance,” she said. “The photographer got into his car and drove toward Diaz and Timberlake, causing Diaz to jump out of the car’s way,” Harding said. No one was immediately arrested and no suspects have been identified.(source)

I’ve always lived by the philosophy that if you expect us to pay to watch your movies, you can damn well expect us to sit outside your home in the oak tree, eating peanuts and ultimately breaking an arm because the camera battery died and you fell from the tree trying to get another from your fanny pack. It was that one time, okay?? And even the judge took pity on me, citing the term “boundary challenged” opposed to the hypercritical “stalker”. And all that aside, this anklet accentuates my legs and I have always thought chrome was a flattering color. Don’t judge me.