Someone give that girl some soul food. I mean, she’s been to Africa, and that’s the mother of all souls but girlfriend needs some sammies. I’ve got a cure for that flat ass and those bony arms; it’s called fried chicken and sweet potato pie. Maybe you’ve heard of it? It’s not that she isn’t gorgeous. She’s got that motherly glow, totally in-love, blood drinker thing going for her; it’s just that if you take away those 15 pounds of hair and 9 pound lips, you’re left with a skeleton with some gnarly tattoos in expensive shoes.

Here are a few pics of her the Oceans 13 premiere. Enjoy Angelina Skeletor at your own leisure.

{Ed. note: I don’t know Em, she still has her rack. Other than that she’s real fat fatty.-Fatback} 

“I need money. I used to be a stick up kid…”

I hope all of you enjoyed Dead Presidents’ Day like I did. I spent a shit load of Benji’s (and brotha wasn’t even the prez) on booze and strippers and watched Swedish porn on my Five-O Plasma. What I didn’t do, was post shit all week. Just bullshit link posts like this one. Now I’m back in it to win it. I’m all caught up on Lost and 24 so I’m ready to hit the gossip circuit, bitches. I’m kinda tired so I’m going through my CD cases for residue. Enjoy the links. And Keeley Hazell because British chicks are usually hot, and I like the way she chews gum.

• Get your drink gadgets on, baby (Crave)
• Jesus talked to Tara Reid. Splash News are whores. (DS)
• Paris Hilton wants you to knock her the FUCK OUT. (Bastardly)
• Obligatory College Girl Boobies. (CH)
• I think Howard K Stern did it. Did what? Well, you decide. (Yeeeah)
• Pick your favorite Britney Hairstyle (INO)
• Brad and Angelina try and drum up some give-a-shit in New orleans. (Gossip or Truth)
• LonelyGirl15 is really a whore. Not really but that makes my Adsense checks better. (Glitterati)
• Bloggers speak out about Britney Spears shaving her head. (Bumpshack)
• Keely Brook is British and mostly naked. Cheerio! (FHM)
• Antonella Barba, American Idol hopeful, blowjob caps (IDLYITW)

Angelina Jolie thinks kids are fun and a joy and says she would like more.

“I’m very, very lucky. I love the different elements of my life. I love working abroad, and I love being with my kids and I love being with Brad,” Jolie, 31, said Friday at a press event for her movie The Good Shepherd. “I’d like to add many more children and many more obstacles and many more things to my life.”

And she makes every effort to give her children a normal life, despite her own fame. “I’ve made a point to not let it change the way that I live my life, other than I carefully plan my holidays or where we go or where we stay or things like that to try to ensure some kind of quality of life that is private and nice for the kids. But we simply don’t let it affect us.” (source)

Angelina is one kid away from her own It’s a small world ride. But I suppose it’s easy to want several children when you have nannies and maids and caretakers in abundance. Not like our house; my sis and I were lucky if mom would come down from her buzz long enough to remember to turn the heat on. And the closest we ever came to a nanny was watching PBS while mom and boy-toy-du-jour cleaned house.The only room they ever seemed to clean was the bedroom, so we went unsupervised a lot. A lot. But, I learned too cook, drive at 13 and I do have a nice collection of PBS fund drive coffee mugs. Stay in school.

No, I am not implying, nor should you infer that sexy, southern Emily Proctor is the anti-Christ. I’m saying that all women are devils, duh. Sexy devils. Anyway, ’tis the season for friends, happiness and joy and all that shit. So here are some X-mas linX to get you all in the spirit of thingX.

• “Christmas Wishes from the Antichrist”. Check my new story over at Collegehumor.com and don’t forget to vote for it when you’re done. (College Humor)
• New Bastardly Jailbait Lady of the Day (Bastardly)
• Are you sexy and southern? Know someone who is? Or just wanted to pimp this site on your thong? But some X-mas gifts! (FB&C Store)
• Tara Reid. Drunk again. Redundant much? (Smart)
• Want good gadgets for cheap? Check out this totally unsolicited link. (BCD)
• The Jolie-Pitts look like the “it’s a small world” ride at Disney. (Tabloid Whore)
• More boobies with college names drunkenly scrawled on them. Sexy not trashy. For reals. (College humor)
• Pauly Shore is a faker. Idiot. (Celebslam)

How the hell did I let Christmas sneak up on me like this? I need to get out do some shopping for all the supermodels in my life. Here are some sexy Monday links to get you in the mood for some internet shopping on-the-job. You’re such a little sneaker.

• Maria Menounos zips her way into the Spike TV Video Game Awards (Bastardly)
• Kristin Cavallari signs autographs at Kohl’s. Huh? (Bricks and Stones)
• Christmas boobies! (College Humor)
• Brad and Angelina have a House Party Frank LLoyd Wright style, yo! (Yeeeah)
• Jesus has the best links ever. (Drunken Stepfather)
• Prince is going to play the Superbowl Halftime show. (Glitterati)
• Tyra Banks avoids the nip slip. (Subvert Society)
• Kristin Bell wants you to save the boobies. (Celebutaint)

Here are a few older images of Michell Monaghan at the Kiss Kiss Bang Bang Premier.