NSFW – Fatback Media

I never watch awards shows because they are so so contrived, coddling and asinine. Apparently, this year was no different, except they made special effort to suck out the feeling. I was so bored reading highlights of the show that I almost committed seppuku with my 8″ Rachel Ray santoku chef’s knife. So sharp.

Normally, movie stars either don’t show up and we see a prerecorded acceptance speech from “the set of their new movie” which oddly looks like the bar at Chili’s, or they show up in shorts and flip flops drunk. This year, however, somehow MTV duped the actors into thinking that this was a real awards show and that an astronaut trophy would look great next to their People’s Choice award. (Oscars are for uppity assholes right?) Anyway, the bottom line was a big ole bucket of boring, sexless drivel. Much like Paris Hilton in prison. Zing!

So here’s Megan Fox, who in spite of the ridiculous dress, manages to class up the place with a whole lotta sex appeal. I just hope that that tattoo is for her boyfriend and not her daddy. Because it’s creepin’ me out Cordelia. (bonus if you got the reference!)

Kelly Brook in a bikini is as good an excuse as any to post some daily links. It’s summer. She’s hot. You’re statistically speaking, probably not. So enjoy the British bikini badonkadonk and shut the hell up. At least you can get a break from Lindsay Lohan’s coke whoring, Britney Spears bad mom-ing, and Paris Hilton’s impending yard time to look at some quality 100% natural born curves. What I think is so hot about Kelly Brook is how she doesn’t have a cheetoe stains, a bloody coke nose or a science project crawling out her crotch. I’m picky that way.

• Jessica Biel takes out the trash hotter than you. (Jordan)
• Elisha Cuthbert has nice feet. For all you foot pervs (Glunp)
• Former Miss Universe is a tramp. Well, yeah. (Bumpshack)
• Creepiest child actors who grew up to not be hot. (City rag)
• Danielle Lloyd in a bikini. (Celebrity Hubris)
• Lindsay Lohan’s dad calls the kettle black and says she uses OxyContin (EvilBeet)
• Christina Aguilera and monkeyboy. (Bastardly)
• Jesus is the best blogger ever. And my co-pilot. (DS)
• Jessica Alba needs to STFU. In a sexy way of course. (D-Listed)
• Something about Paris Hilton being a loser whore. (Glitterati)
• Mandatory college girl boobies. I like your sister’s. (CH)
• Reggie Bush is banging Kim Kardashian. (DJM)
• Hottie Mimi from Workout is interviewed by the equally hot Pipi. (Pipi Long)

More Kelly Brook beach bikini badonkadonk:

It turns out that Justin Timberlake is up for an award at the MTV Movie Awards and both his ex, Cameron Diaz and his current girlfriend, Jessica Biel, will be there. I think MTV Movie Awards should come with a mandatory asterisk because, winning an MTV Award for acting is the equivalent of an astronaut getting a hand job from an elementary school science teacher for engineering achievements.

Besides my skillful use of the apostrophe, I’m also good at sizing up competitors in a street fight. And I’m going with Biel for the KO on this one.

Handlers are working overtime to prevent any drama between Cameron Diaz and Jessica Biel at the June 3 MTV Movie Awards, where the dueling divas will meet for the first time since their Golden Globe dust-up last winter.

In January, Page Six reported that Diaz “blew up” at her then-recent ex, Justin Timberlake, when she spotted him flirting with his now-girlfriend Biel at an after-party at the Beverly Hills Hotel. This Sunday, the love triangle will reunite for the first time since the incident – on live TV.

Sources revealed that Diaz and Biel are both presenting awards at the ceremony, while Timberlake is nominated for best breakthrough performance for his role in “Alpha Dog.” (source)

I’m all for a good cat fight, but setting Jessica Biel loose on Cameron Diaz is pretty unfair. Maybe if she had to fight all Charlie’s Angel’s actresses (past and present) and Director McG and a polar bear that just had its eye poked, it would be a fair fight. Jessica Biel is scary hot. Like, I’d be scared to bang her, because if she got pissed off she might rip me in half. But I could so fall fast asleep in her loving, rippled, muscular arms.

More Jessica Biel , street fighting champ.

God. Damn.

Natasha Henstridge has always had a huge rack (one that she has never been shy about showing off), so I’m trying to figure out if she’s just been eating a little bit more cheese lately, or if she went and got implants. It’s not like I’d lose respect for her either way- don’t get me wrong. But if they are implants, I just wonder why she would get them when her rack was so perfect I was going to name my penis “genus”.  [That's a biology joke. Look it up.] But then again Natasha did say this:

 ”I was about 12 years old when I started getting boobs. I never tried to hide them because I started to realize the power I had with them.” (source)

Creepy perv jokes aside, that is two things:

1. Fucking
2. Awesome

And that’s why I love Natasha Henstridge, because if you can’t get what you want from pervy old guys by showing them your tits at age 12, then it’s not really worth having. Here’s more of Natasha at some thing, for some other thing. Research rulez!