Jessica Biel in a bikini (from the Gentleman’s Quarterly…rreow). That’s really enough isn’t it? And to think Justin Timberlake just shit all over her in the press. Maybe Justin forgot that he’s a scruffy bumpkin from Tennessee who was singing country covers on Star Search against LeAnn Rimes before the Mickey Mouse Club gave him his big break. I more expect to hear, would you guys like the triple play fajitas from him than what goes around comes around. The fact that he denied Jessica Biel thrice before the cock crowed doesn’t show arrogance, it shows good old fashion redneck stupidity. Crusty asshole.

• Paula got a brand new face. OWWWWW. (Yeeeah)
• Kelly Clarkson binged it like she purged it. (IBBB)
• Howard Stern is sued. This time it’s the REAL Howard. (Allie)
• Prison Break is apparently still on and Jodi Lyn O’Keefe will be on next season. (Gossip or Truth)
• Here’s the Google map to the kegger. (CH)
• Tara Reid drunk, high and sporting a huge rack. (Glunp)
• This chick Natasha Hamilton is topless. Who is she again? (DS)
• Aw shit, is Jennifer Garner pregnant again? (SeriouslyOMG)
• Liv Tyer wants plastic surgery. (BumpShack)
• Dustin breaks down the songs that make you cry. (Pajiba)
• Okay Heidi Montag. We get it. You have big tits. (Celebrity Hubris)
• Rachel Bislon. Still cutest girl ever. (Bastardly)

Jessica Simpson might be stalking John Mayer. Apparently, her flagging singing/acting/socialiting career has left her chasing pasty white boys. Good thing she has a great rack to keep her alive. Hollywood rulez.

A guest at the Sunset Marquis in West Hollywood said that on Monday morning John Mayer was yelling into his phone: “He said ‘Jess’ a bunch of times, so I would think he was talking to Jessica Simpson. He looked wiped out, circles under his eyes, and some pal was grabbing him coffee while he was having this fight over the phone. There was a lot I couldn’t hear, but at the end before he hung up, he told her to stop calling, stop texting, stop all of it – leave me alone! He was shaking his head back and forth like, ‘God, make her stop,’ and his friend was sort of chuckling at him.” (source)

Far be it for us to doubt a source, but I’m not so sure about this one. Anyway, let’s assume that this (like all  the other shit we publish) is true. John could just be saying all that just to start gossip. He’s banged every hot chick in Hollywood. It’s not like he’s desperate.

So, how does John looking “wiped out” differ from every other day of the week?? He looks like he’s one transfusion away from full on cadaver. Ok, I haven’t actually seen a cadaver in person. But on CSI Miami that one time…you know, the one where they found the body in the weird place and Horatio made that snappy quip while taking his sunglasses off  just before the opening music?  That was my favorite episode. EVER.

Wrestling diva(?) Ashley Massaro just quit wresting to join the reality series Survivor. Most of you may know her as the rags to riches model who rose to fame using her enduring spirit and sassy gumption. Or maybe just as the short girl with the giant rack who wrestles other girls[!] on tv.

Gazongariffic WWE diva Ashley Massaro has reportedly been knocked out of the professional wrestling circuit. It’s a great loss to wrestling, and a sad day for all humanity. WWE superstar Paul London told Prowrestling.com that Ashley “was written out of the WWE storylines because she’s leaving to be a contestant on the ‘Survivor’ reality show.” (source)

I don’t really watch wrestling because it’s fake. Also, when Rowdy Roddy Piper retired that really took its toll. It’s really too painful to talk about. Fucking Randy Savage. One thing I do stand behind 100% is chicks wrestling half naked and pulling each other’s hair and spanking each other. Does that make me a sexist, misogynistic bastard? Not at all sugar tits, now shimmy that sweet ass over to the kitchen and make me a turkey pot pie.

Jessica Simpson, beyond desperate for a comeback, and borderline looney, is seeking advice from pop diva Mariah Carey to get her back on track. I know, right? Where do we even go from here?

Jess has turned to the Queen of Comebacks for inspiration. In July 2001, Mariah made a bizarre appearance on MTV’s TRL, on which she performed a striptease and handed out ice cream to the audience. The five-octave soprano then had a breakdown in a Manhattan hotel, smashing crockery and cutting her feet and hands. She was ultimately admitted to the Silver Hill Hospital for what her publicist described as “an emotional and physical breakdown.”

Fucking classic!

“Jessica has been singing Mariah’s praises endlessly,” a friend of the former MTV reality star dishes to OK!. “She thinks Mariah is amazing and appreciates that she may be able to learn from her. Jessica’s career has lost steam, but she feels that with the right advice, she could be back on track.” “Jessica and Mariah are discovering they have a lot in common and are speaking frequently by phone,” (source)

Double U. Tee. Eff.

My 78 year-old grandma on an oxygen machine, smoking Kool Menthols, watching Jerry Springer in her trailer is less white trash than this story. I could talk about Chladni’s figures of acoustic modes of vibration and oscillation in classical physics and it’d sooner make sense than seeking advice from Mariah Carey. (Math nerds, call me.)

A lot in common. Hmmm. White-trash image? Check. Disastrous public love-life? Check. Box office bombs? Check. Big boobs? Double D check. Maybe it isn’t a stretch, but I still wouldn’t seek guidance from an ice cream pushing, masochistic psychopath. If I want that kind of advice, I’ll call mom. Cheer up, Jessica, you can’t sing for shit and your love-life is a joke, but you still have your outrageously sweet rack to keep you afloat. Keep up those cheese sammiches, girl. America thanks you. (pics via)

I never watch awards shows because they are so so contrived, coddling and asinine. Apparently, this year was no different, except they made special effort to suck out the feeling. I was so bored reading highlights of the show that I almost committed seppuku with my 8″ Rachel Ray santoku chef’s knife. So sharp.

Normally, movie stars either don’t show up and we see a prerecorded acceptance speech from “the set of their new movie” which oddly looks like the bar at Chili’s, or they show up in shorts and flip flops drunk. This year, however, somehow MTV duped the actors into thinking that this was a real awards show and that an astronaut trophy would look great next to their People’s Choice award. (Oscars are for uppity assholes right?) Anyway, the bottom line was a big ole bucket of boring, sexless drivel. Much like Paris Hilton in prison. Zing!

So here’s Megan Fox, who in spite of the ridiculous dress, manages to class up the place with a whole lotta sex appeal. I just hope that that tattoo is for her boyfriend and not her daddy. Because it’s creepin’ me out Cordelia. (bonus if you got the reference!)