NSFW - Fatback Media

Jessica Biel in a bikini (from the Gentleman’s Quarterly…rreow). That’s really enough isn’t it? And to think Justin Timberlake just shit all over her in the press. Maybe Justin forgot that he’s a scruffy bumpkin from Tennessee who was singing country covers on Star Search against LeAnn Rimes before the Mickey Mouse Club gave him his big break. I more expect to hear, would you guys like the triple play fajitas from him than what goes around comes around. The fact that he denied Jessica Biel thrice before the cock crowed doesn’t show arrogance, it shows good old fashion redneck stupidity. Crusty asshole.

• Paula got a brand new face. OWWWWW. (Yeeeah)
• Kelly Clarkson binged it like she purged it. (IBBB)
• Howard Stern is sued. This time it’s the REAL Howard. (Allie)
• Prison Break is apparently still on and Jodi Lyn O’Keefe will be on next season. (Gossip or Truth)
• Here’s the Google map to the kegger. (CH)
• Tara Reid drunk, high and sporting a huge rack. (Glunp)
• This chick Natasha Hamilton is topless. Who is she again? (DS)
• Aw shit, is Jennifer Garner pregnant again? (SeriouslyOMG)
• Liv Tyer wants plastic surgery. (BumpShack)
• Dustin breaks down the songs that make you cry. (Pajiba)
• Okay Heidi Montag. We get it. You have big tits. (Celebrity Hubris)
• Rachel Bislon. Still cutest girl ever. (Bastardly)

Jessica Simpson might be stalking John Mayer. Apparently, her flagging singing/acting/socialiting career has left her chasing pasty white boys. Good thing she has a great rack to keep her alive. Hollywood rulez.

A guest at the Sunset Marquis in West Hollywood said that on Monday morning John Mayer was yelling into his phone: “He said ‘Jess’ a bunch of times, so I would think he was talking to Jessica Simpson. He looked wiped out, circles under his eyes, and some pal was grabbing him coffee while he was having this fight over the phone. There was a lot I couldn’t hear, but at the end before he hung up, he told her to stop calling, stop texting, stop all of it – leave me alone! He was shaking his head back and forth like, ‘God, make her stop,’ and his friend was sort of chuckling at him.” (source)

Far be it for us to doubt a source, but I’m not so sure about this one. Anyway, let’s assume that this (like all  the other shit we publish) is true. John could just be saying all that just to start gossip. He’s banged every hot chick in Hollywood. It’s not like he’s desperate.

So, how does John looking “wiped out” differ from every other day of the week?? He looks like he’s one transfusion away from full on cadaver. Ok, I haven’t actually seen a cadaver in person. But on CSI Miami that one time…you know, the one where they found the body in the weird place and Horatio made that snappy quip while taking his sunglasses off  just before the opening music?  That was my favorite episode. EVER.

Wrestling diva(?) Ashley Massaro just quit wresting to join the reality series Survivor. Most of you may know her as the rags to riches model who rose to fame using her enduring spirit and sassy gumption. Or maybe just as the short girl with the giant rack who wrestles other girls[!] on tv.

Gazongariffic WWE diva Ashley Massaro has reportedly been knocked out of the professional wrestling circuit. It’s a great loss to wrestling, and a sad day for all humanity. WWE superstar Paul London told Prowrestling.com that Ashley “was written out of the WWE storylines because she’s leaving to be a contestant on the ‘Survivor’ reality show.” (source)

I don’t really watch wrestling because it’s fake. Also, when Rowdy Roddy Piper retired that really took its toll. It’s really too painful to talk about. Fucking Randy Savage. One thing I do stand behind 100% is chicks wrestling half naked and pulling each other’s hair and spanking each other. Does that make me a sexist, misogynistic bastard? Not at all sugar tits, now shimmy that sweet ass over to the kitchen and make me a turkey pot pie.

Jessica Simpson, beyond desperate for a comeback, and borderline looney, is seeking advice from pop diva Mariah Carey to get her back on track. I know, right? Where do we even go from here?

Jess has turned to the Queen of Comebacks for inspiration. In July 2001, Mariah made a bizarre appearance on MTV’s TRL, on which she performed a striptease and handed out ice cream to the audience. The five-octave soprano then had a breakdown in a Manhattan hotel, smashing crockery and cutting her feet and hands. She was ultimately admitted to the Silver Hill Hospital for what her publicist described as “an emotional and physical breakdown.”

Fucking classic!

“Jessica has been singing Mariah’s praises endlessly,” a friend of the former MTV reality star dishes to OK!. “She thinks Mariah is amazing and appreciates that she may be able to learn from her. Jessica’s career has lost steam, but she feels that with the right advice, she could be back on track.” “Jessica and Mariah are discovering they have a lot in common and are speaking frequently by phone,” (source)

Double U. Tee. Eff.

My 78 year-old grandma on an oxygen machine, smoking Kool Menthols, watching Jerry Springer in her trailer is less white trash than this story. I could talk about Chladni’s figures of acoustic modes of vibration and oscillation in classical physics and it’d sooner make sense than seeking advice from Mariah Carey. (Math nerds, call me.)

A lot in common. Hmmm. White-trash image? Check. Disastrous public love-life? Check. Box office bombs? Check. Big boobs? Double D check. Maybe it isn’t a stretch, but I still wouldn’t seek guidance from an ice cream pushing, masochistic psychopath. If I want that kind of advice, I’ll call mom. Cheer up, Jessica, you can’t sing for shit and your love-life is a joke, but you still have your outrageously sweet rack to keep you afloat. Keep up those cheese sammiches, girl. America thanks you. (pics via)

I never watch awards shows because they are so so contrived, coddling and asinine. Apparently, this year was no different, except they made special effort to suck out the feeling. I was so bored reading highlights of the show that I almost committed seppuku with my 8″ Rachel Ray santoku chef’s knife. So sharp.

Normally, movie stars either don’t show up and we see a prerecorded acceptance speech from “the set of their new movie” which oddly looks like the bar at Chili’s, or they show up in shorts and flip flops drunk. This year, however, somehow MTV duped the actors into thinking that this was a real awards show and that an astronaut trophy would look great next to their People’s Choice award. (Oscars are for uppity assholes right?) Anyway, the bottom line was a big ole bucket of boring, sexless drivel. Much like Paris Hilton in prison. Zing!

So here’s Megan Fox, who in spite of the ridiculous dress, manages to class up the place with a whole lotta sex appeal. I just hope that that tattoo is for her boyfriend and not her daddy. Because it’s creepin’ me out Cordelia. (bonus if you got the reference!)

Kelly Brook in a bikini is as good an excuse as any to post some daily links. It’s summer. She’s hot. You’re statistically speaking, probably not. So enjoy the British bikini badonkadonk and shut the hell up. At least you can get a break from Lindsay Lohan’s coke whoring, Britney Spears bad mom-ing, and Paris Hilton’s impending yard time to look at some quality 100% natural born curves. What I think is so hot about Kelly Brook is how she doesn’t have a cheetoe stains, a bloody coke nose or a science project crawling out her crotch. I’m picky that way.

• Jessica Biel takes out the trash hotter than you. (Jordan)
• Elisha Cuthbert has nice feet. For all you foot pervs (Glunp)
• Former Miss Universe is a tramp. Well, yeah. (Bumpshack)
• Creepiest child actors who grew up to not be hot. (City rag)
• Danielle Lloyd in a bikini. (Celebrity Hubris)
• Lindsay Lohan’s dad calls the kettle black and says she uses OxyContin (EvilBeet)
• Christina Aguilera and monkeyboy. (Bastardly)
• Jesus is the best blogger ever. And my co-pilot. (DS)
• Jessica Alba needs to STFU. In a sexy way of course. (D-Listed)
• Something about Paris Hilton being a loser whore. (Glitterati)
• Mandatory college girl boobies. I like your sister’s. (CH)
• Reggie Bush is banging Kim Kardashian. (DJM)
• Hottie Mimi from Workout is interviewed by the equally hot Pipi. (Pipi Long)

More Kelly Brook beach bikini badonkadonk:

It turns out that Justin Timberlake is up for an award at the MTV Movie Awards and both his ex, Cameron Diaz and his current girlfriend, Jessica Biel, will be there. I think MTV Movie Awards should come with a mandatory asterisk because, winning an MTV Award for acting is the equivalent of an astronaut getting a hand job from an elementary school science teacher for engineering achievements.

Besides my skillful use of the apostrophe, I’m also good at sizing up competitors in a street fight. And I’m going with Biel for the KO on this one.

Handlers are working overtime to prevent any drama between Cameron Diaz and Jessica Biel at the June 3 MTV Movie Awards, where the dueling divas will meet for the first time since their Golden Globe dust-up last winter.

In January, Page Six reported that Diaz “blew up” at her then-recent ex, Justin Timberlake, when she spotted him flirting with his now-girlfriend Biel at an after-party at the Beverly Hills Hotel. This Sunday, the love triangle will reunite for the first time since the incident - on live TV.

Sources revealed that Diaz and Biel are both presenting awards at the ceremony, while Timberlake is nominated for best breakthrough performance for his role in “Alpha Dog.” (source)

I’m all for a good cat fight, but setting Jessica Biel loose on Cameron Diaz is pretty unfair. Maybe if she had to fight all Charlie’s Angel’s actresses (past and present) and Director McG and a polar bear that just had its eye poked, it would be a fair fight. Jessica Biel is scary hot. Like, I’d be scared to bang her, because if she got pissed off she might rip me in half. But I could so fall fast asleep in her loving, rippled, muscular arms.

More Jessica Biel , street fighting champ.

God. Damn.

Natasha Henstridge has always had a huge rack (one that she has never been shy about showing off), so I’m trying to figure out if she’s just been eating a little bit more cheese lately, or if she went and got implants. It’s not like I’d lose respect for her either way- don’t get me wrong. But if they are implants, I just wonder why she would get them when her rack was so perfect I was going to name my penis “genus”.  [That's a biology joke. Look it up.] But then again Natasha did say this:

 ”I was about 12 years old when I started getting boobs. I never tried to hide them because I started to realize the power I had with them.” (source)

Creepy perv jokes aside, that is two things:

1. Fucking
2. Awesome

And that’s why I love Natasha Henstridge, because if you can’t get what you want from pervy old guys by showing them your tits at age 12, then it’s not really worth having. Here’s more of Natasha at some thing, for some other thing. Research rulez!

According to the Star, Kim Kardashian is dating New Orleans Saints running back Reggie Bush. This isn’t really ground breaking because she’s just a spoiled rich bitch, but she has a nice rack, and I rarely get to post about sports. She swallows, Reg.

Although the NFL player came to the gathering with some friends, his time was mostly spent cuddling with Kardashian at her VIP table.

“The two were totally into one another and were thisclose as they spoke,” the source tells Star. “It was like they forgot there was a party going on around them.”  (source)

I have that effect on women too. I captivate them with my dreamy, crystal green eyes and mellifluous voice. They hardly ever notice the roofie I put in their cocktail. Oh, they would most likely sleep with me anyway, but I like to take their wallets. More Kim in West Hollywood.

Holy shit. I didn’t watch the Oscars last night because I was catching up on some much needed Gins and Tonic with a naked Swedish speed skater, but it looks like I can cross Jennifer Love Hewitt off my washed up before their time list and bump her right back up to the top 10 of my making a comeback so I’ll keep my eye out list. I think the wordthat best sums this dress up is god-dayum. Her rack is ridiculous. She has a breast cleavage equivalent to the badonkadonk. Or badonkarack, as I like to call it. What? It’s a word.

I thought J-LO-Hew hadn’t really done anything lately, but apparently there’s a show on prime time with her in it called the Ghost Whisperer.

A newlywed with the ability to communicate with the earthbound spirits of the recently deceased overcomes skepticism and doubt to help send their important messages to the living and allow the dead to pass on to the other side. (IMDB)

Yeah. I’ll take your word for it IMDB. Meantime, I’ll be working on my ghost impersonation. I have a sheet with holes cut for eyes and everything. Who ya gonna call?