NSFW - Fatback Media

Surprise! The manuscript for the OJ Simpson book, “If I Did It” (where he relates what he would have done if he had been the real murderer of his wife and her friend) has been leaked! On the internet! Not sure why, but I bet OJ is sitting in his house reading blogs and feeling like a marketing genius. The manuscript is written stream of consciousness like a 14 year old on meth was the voice. (That means he says fuck a lot, stops every now and then to evaluate what just happened and he focuses in on very, very minute details for no reason.) Then, as the story builds to the climax - the deed- he just shits the bed.

Then something went horribly wrong, and I know what happened, but I can’t tell you exactly how. I was still standing in Nicole’s courtyard, of course, but for a few moments I couldn’t remember how I’d gotten there, when I’d arrived, or even why I was there. …..

Now I was standing in Nicole’s courtyard, in the dark, listening to the loud, rhythmic, accelerated beating of my own heart. I put my left hand to my heart and my shirt felt strangely wet. I looked down at myself. For several moments, I couldn’t get my mind around what I was seeing. The whole front of me was covered in blood, but it didn’t compute. Is this really blood? I wondered. And whose blood is it? Is it mine? Am I hurt? (source)

Um. Wow. Compelling stuff. He’s an ace at research, and quite the crack writer too. Or maybe he was just there and saw the whole thing WHEN HE KILLED HIS WIFE. Ultimately, the manuscript is sophomoric and bland and everything you would expect from a retired professional football player turned murderer. I’ve read gossip blogs that flow better. But I know you’ll read it anyway because you’re a sick bastard.

So why is Adriana Lima in the header and not OJ? Because I wanted to have my own version of If I Did It called If I did Adriana Lima. It would be a bitter tale of love and loss and finding out the one thing you need has been right in front of you all along. And the only thing to get murdered would be my stone cold heart by Adriana Lima. *sigh*

Adriana Lima is probably the prettiest girl on the planet. I don’t think anyone will argue that. I know. I know. Beauty is subjective, and in the eye of the beholder and different for everyone, even at different times. Like right now, for me, Adriana Lima is pretty fucking close to the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen. But last week in San Jose, after 17 tequilas, Martina was the prettiest girl I had ever seen. Martina had a huge adam’s apple and never took off her panties. Oh but the way she held me on that warm spring night and carried back to my car over her shoulder. That’s true love baby. Although, I still can’t find my wallet.

•  Cameron Diaz sans bra. That’s fancy talk for she’s showing her nipples (DS)
• Would you like to come up to my apt for some BOOBIES? (CH)
• Bend it like Beckham’s wang. For the ladies (and a few of you dudes) (D-Listed)
• Paris Hilton is about to be caged (wonky eyed) heat. I have a carton of Newports that says she gets shiv’d within 48 hours. (IDLYITW)
• Jessica Alba kisses her dog. The dog has a boner. Maybe that’s just me. I like bestiality. (Jordan)
• Lindsay Lohan is a superhero. If being a bulemic, coke whore with daddy issues are the criteria for superness. (Yeeeah)
• Jennifer Tilly, still keeping the rack up to speed. (Bastardly)
• Perfect Stangers is perfect for Lifetime and a tub of Cherry Garcia. (Pajiba)

More Adriana.

Brrrr. Now that winter has set in I thought I’d warm it up a bit with some Adriana Lima bikini shots. I’ll assume that these are from Brazil because she’s Brazilian and because I’m too lazy to do real research. Meu Deus!

Adriana Lima, commonly known as “the best face in the industry” and “the most in demand runway model in the world”,rose to stardom out of less than glamorous conditions. Lima was discovered while shopping at a local mall at the age of 13. At the age of 15, she finished in first place in a Ford Supermodel of Brazil model search. Lima later followed with a second place finish in the 1996 Ford Supermodel of the World contest. (Source)

Scouting for supermodels in Brazil has got to be the easiest job in the world. Everyone is hot and sexy. Even that statue of Jesus looking over Rio from the mountain top has a boner if you look close enough. So, winning a supermodel contest in Brazil means that Adriana is so sexy that you could get an erection from just looking at her DNA profile in electrophoresis gel. Although, I would never do that in my lab. We have rules, you know.

Update: So sexy reader Gelleila let us know that these pics are from St. Barth’s and not Brazil. Research rulez.

Hey y’all, Emily here. Miss me? I was on “vacation”, which was more or less a week of roofies and wet t-shirt contests. I won. All of them. Email for pictures.

Feast on photos of Adriana Lima at the Victoria’s Secret fashion show while I check out the latest happenings and establish an alibi. I wonder what you call it when you get a Brazilian wax in Brazil? Anyway.Oh, and please send all suggested home remedies for carpet burn to my inbox. Bless your hearts.

Here are the top links for the few of you who are at work today.

• Eleventy thousand Victoria’s Secret pics from the recent show. Get your free hand ready. (Phun)
• Mariah Carey, philanthropist, whore. (yeeeah)
• Lacey Chabert is all growed up. (Bastardly)
• Abby Titmus interviews Jodie Marsh. Then they have have sex. Maybe I dreamed that last part. (Drunken Stepfather)
• Paris Hilton vomits on stage. (I’m not obsessed)

More to come holiday sweeties!