Nick Lachey may have a small penis
According to a completely unreliable source that I found via here, Nick Lachey has a small penis and Jessica Simpson is telling the world.
“Nick Lachey didn’t pack too well if you know what I mean, but I got over it.”
“Nick’s small package was a problem sometimes, like the first time we had sex, to tell you the truth, I didn’t really feel much, I faked the whole thing, I really felt sorry for him, I still loved him though.”
Having your insanely hot ex-girlfriend verbally emasculate you by saying that you have a small penis is tantamount to physical castration. She might as well have just cut his balls off at the mall and made a necklace out of them. “Hey look, I have Nick Lacheys balls! Around my neck! They were attached to his tiny, tiny penis!”
The sad thing is that he could be hung like Russian pack horse, but a lot of good that’ll do him now. He’s not going to get laid for at least 17 years and even if he does, girls will perceive that his penis is tiny because of the negative publicity. It’s like when you’re a waitress in a restaurant and one table complains about the food, so then everyone starts complaining. Except in this case, the food is Jessica Simpson and the people are his penis. Wait. The penis is the food and Jessica Simpson is a waitress. Wait. Eww. Shit. Jessica is the penis and people are the complaint. GOD DAMN IT. Whatever.
This is why you always send a dozen roses to a girl the day after you break up. Or, you can make a plater cast of your penis and put it on your mantle for your dates to see like I did. Although, I was out of pink water color paint, so I painted it dark brown, which seems to kind of freak some people out.
So far there are 6 SEXY COMMENTS » What do you think, sugar?
Posted in Jessica Simpson, Nick Lachey, Vanessa Minnillo |
By Fatback
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6 Comments to “Nick Lachey may have a small penis”
August 17th, 2006 at 6:50 am
I think every man should be required to put a plaster cast of his penis on his mantle. It’s sooo uncomfortable to dump a guy right after he drops trou. As for Nick, I suspected as much. He liked to wear her shoes…and he cries a lot.
August 18th, 2006 at 4:20 pm
[...] Does Nick Lachey has a small penis? – Fatback and Collards [...]
August 19th, 2006 at 7:44 am
Even if Nick isn’t so well endowed, it is beyond crass for his ex to discuss. Besides, I thought she was supposed to be a virgin when they banged the first time- what’s her frame of reference with real life bone? Stupid whore.
September 8th, 2006 at 5:00 am
I agree with Monica, besides, this is a stupid topic. Jessica probably had an affair and was dumped by Nick. I always thought he could do wayyyy better.
Jessica is so overrated and nearly as stupid as Paris (no talent) Hilton.
October 20th, 2006 at 1:14 pm
I’m willing to bet that Nick Lachey doesn’t have such a small penis…it’s just that Jessica Simpson probably has a drainspout sized cootchie!
I have a small penis…I’ll admit that. I once dated a girl from California who gave the best FELLATIO ever known to Masters and Johnson.
She could make my “little guy” grow like I’ve never seen.
One night I ejaclatued TWICE and I thought I was going to drown the lady! I was so thrilled I kissed the ejaculate off her lips!
We broke up when I messed around on her. Whip my ass with a six foot leather thong. I bloody well deserve it!
She had a large “cootchie” but appreciated every centimeter I gave her. She was very pretty and had a good heart.
Maybe, just maybe, she will dump the BOZO she married and come back to me.
Alfred Kuchinski
December 2nd, 2006 at 4:58 pm
[...] Weird Phrase I found this post, surfing the web, looking for strange things, as usual. Anyway, I’ve always been aware of size queens, or as I like to call them size fanatics, but this just weirded me the hell out. Nanc’ August 17th, 2006 06:50 1 I think every man should be required to put a plaster cast of his penis on his mantle. It?s sooo uncomfortable to dump a guy right after he drops trou. As for Nick, I suspected as much. He liked to wear her shoes?and he cries a lot. I mean god, how could someone just take off, even if they decide to not see them again, but taking off right after he drops trou. I think if she’s that picky she may as well be direct from the get go, then she wouldn’t need a plaster cast. Anyway, my morbid curiousity has been awakened, and I have to know if anyone here has been in that situation, either side of it. [...]