Scarlett Johannson: Golden Globes

The Golden Globes suck. I was watching 24 last night so I missed the boring, totally telegraphed, celebrity collective handjob that is the Golden Globes. The so-called Hollywood Foreign press in neither Hollywood nor the real press. Discuss! What kind of award show serves cocktails to ego-maniac stars before they get on stage. Anthony Hopkins was clearly drunk and, if I’m not mistaken, high on Ecstasy, when he gave his acceptance speech for the Cecil B. Demill award. I mean grips? Food Service? WTF?(Ok, so I watched a bit during the commercials.)

What pisses me off is that NBC pre-empted Surface to show the GG’s. If I wasn’t watching the last 2 hours of the 4-hour season premier of 24 and re-capping as I went, I would have been seriously pissed off that Lake Bell was not center frame on my 42" plasma for 45 minutes. My weekly dose of lovely lady lumps and badonkadonk would have suffered. And that’s just cruel, man. Thankfully, I did get to see Scarlett Johansson in that red dress, proving once again that girls can eat soul food and still be so hot that it makes me weep at night. My Swedish girlfriend told me other day when we were sword fighting that she thought it would be sexy to duel Scarlett Johansson. I literally died. Scandanavian chicks rule.

As most of you know by now, Issac Mizrahi grabbed Scarlett’s breast last night during the pre-show on the red carpet. If this was the old country he would have lost that hand to my scimitar. I would have worn his mummified hand on a gold chain as a warning to other gay fashion designers who currently have a line of clothing a discount retail store. That’s right Kathy Ireland, I’m talking to you!