Jessica and Nick Split…who knew?

The great Gawker.com has reported that Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey have called it quits. The US Magazine Issue that hit the shelves this morning has the newly-split couple on the cover.

After enduring a year of rumors that their marriage was in trouble, Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey have really split. The bitter back story behind their final decision to separate.

Gawker relates that the article details several reasons for the untimely breakup including:

…creepy-dad Joe Simpson, Jessica’s “diva” behavior, and her
fondness for whiskey on the rocks. One of those ubiquitous sources
close to the couple says, “Jessica’s the problem. She’s not the girl
America fell in love with anymore.”

I’m not sure who was even in love with Jessica, but I know we were all (and still are) amazed by her ~~ginormous boobies~~ meteoric rise to stardom. Again, classic case of country-come-to-town. You take a repressed ultra-Christian teenager, who is not quite sure what to think about those late night back rubs from papa Simpson, and throw her into the bright lights-big city and she’s going to go buck wild. But, here’s how the whole thing is going to play out. She’ll party for a few months a la Lohan , probably do the coke-nudity-public drunkeness trifecta aka pulling a Tara. Then, when she is burnt right down to the nub and she is an unmarketable property she will cry for Oprah and say she lost touch with the Lord. A box of Kleenex + an Oprah confession = career revitalized. God I love the south.