NSFW – Fatback Media

I just got back from a working vacation down south and I am about to check myself into several 12 step programs to get back into the swing of things. I tried to visit Mindy McCready but she wouldn’t answer her phone/door/window/basement/skylight. I really think I could have a chance with her and by chance I mean I have a box Oxycontin and a full bottle of Jack Daniels. But I digress…

I ate fried fish, fried oysters, fried okra, fried apple pie and a fried human baby. It was awesome. Unfortunately my southern brethren still allow smoking in bars, restaurants, hotels and hospital operating rooms (doctors only) so I lopped a huge chunk of my lifespan off during my trip. But I figure my liver will just give up and leave town long before I get second hand smokers lung cancer, so I’m ahh-ite. Again, I digress…

I did enjoy the being back home in the south, though. It is a beautiful area populated with hot Scandinavian women who are tolerant of all religions and are up for anything involving sex aerobics…wait that’s my house. The south is populated with incredibly hot, racist, republican women, who cut their hair short and get fat as soon as you’ve said "I do".* Why do you think they get married so young down there. There is only a small window of time in the transformation from hot cheerleader to fat-assed abortion clinic protester. They have to get ‘em while they’re hot. As for me, I like my women like I like my Vodka: Tall, Scandinavian and can kick my ass (at sex Olympics).   

*If you take issue with this statement then you should pack up the minivan with your screaming young’uns and drive your fatass up north and tell me about, fatty.