NSFW – Fatback Media

So as you all know from the latest news reports and gossip rags, I now have a sweet beach house in South Boston. With a roof deck. And a view. It’s no wonder I make the trades. My supermodel Norwegian girlfriend can’t keep her hot ass friends from coming over and frolicking (mostly naked) on my roof deck. It’s really staring to become annoying. How many times do I have to see hot ass Scandinavian Valkyries wrestle around on my deck? I do need some down time, you know. Sometime I like to grill and just have a cocktail. A nice boat drink…but I digress. Of course the real pics are being developed at my super-secret lab buried beneath MIT so I just threw in some pictures of some drunk girls to give you a taste of what I have to endure.

We had a nice little party planned for the 4th of July. Just me and the Swedish Olympic Figure Skaters and lots a booze and oil. I had practiced up for it and everything. I invited a couple of dudes over just for show. Basically so my neighbors wouldn’t be forced to masturbate looking through the window then gouge their eyes out with dinner forks out of pure envy of my awesome life. The party started off well enough. Only a few dudes here and there. Lots of hot women eating BBQ ribs in bikinis. Dirty. Then the yahoos started showing up. Of course I fired my security staff but that’s not the point. Somebody (and that person was obviously dealt with accordingly) broke the first rule of Roof Deck- you don’t talk about roof deck.

Just about the time we were talking about how restricting clothing can be and truly neat-0 the naked female body is–we had a potential jumper. Normally, I would just have security push the person off and dispose of the matter. But if you’ll remember… they were phoning this one in.

I, of course had to take charge. It went something like this:

Me: Hey Jumper! WTF? Ya think you can reel it in?
Jumper: –[looks forlornly at the welcoming ground so far, far below...sighs]
Me:  Jumper! WTF are yo doing? [thinks: there are women about to get naked, please don't "F" this up]
J: [appears to come to her senses as if out of a dark, dark dream of falling into the sweet, calming clutches of that long good night] Whaa..? Oh. Hey. What’s up.
Me: Sweetie, let’s bring in in a notch okay. you’re a little close to the edge.
J: Why? You don’t care. You just don’t want to get sued!
Me: For the  love of…[who the fuck brought this chick?]
J: [huffs and turns back to her contemplation of the next world]
Me: Sweetie…Sweetie… Check this out. I am a renter. I rent. You can take a nap in the street from up here and nothing will happen to me. I just don’t want you to fucking ruin the party. MmKay? So let’s bring it on in and have nice Mojito. Por Favor? See, that was fun wasn’t it? I spoke in Spanish. Whee! Come on in. That’s it. Have a seat right here. These gentlemen will escort to our holding..er uh..rest area. You’re gonna take little nap. K? There there, that’s right. See ya.

My girlfriend, who is hot tempered and feisty ( and hot, holy shit!) came very close to clawing J’s eyes with my BBQ tongs, but thankfully I reminded her that she is still here on an expired visa and she needs to keep the mayhem to a minimum. Besides that’s what I pay my Russian security guards for. Na zdorovje!