Fatback Media

Matthew Roloff, one of the stars on TLC’s “Little People, Big World” has been taking drinking lessons from Lindsay Lohan. According to a police report, a Deputy in Washington County, Oregon saw a white van weaving about. The deputy stopped the vehicle and identified the man as the mini-star Roloff.

Supposedly, little man failed the field sobriety test. Don’t tell me how the fuck he managed to miss that big honker of his. I never would have thought it possible for such a tiny man to have such a huge beak. His mugshot reminds me of some sort of twisted lawn gnome. Scary stuff.

But anyway, he failed the field sobriety test, then refused to take a breathalyzer down at the station. He was charged with a citation, then released.

What I am wondering is this…does celebrity justice now extend to crappy reality TV stars? I think people should cut him some slack because he may be short in stature, but he’s a giant at heart. Plus, you know only takes one beer to fuck a midget up. More Alessandra Ambrosio if you click the images, because tall people are sexy.

That’s it. I’m done. Congratulations, Lindsay, you’ve beaten me. I used to think that I possessed a biting wit and a funny take on celebrities’ misfortunes that would endear me to the masses, but you’ve taken that away from me. You’ve worn me down, and I’m waving the tattered white flag of surrender. First you get a DUI on Memorial Day weekend, then you enter rehab. OK, I’ll cut you some slack on account of your admitting that you’re a complete alcoholic (whereas I’m only halfway, i.e. I don’t have to go to rehab just yet). Then you celebrate your 21st birthday, sober and with your mom. I celebrated mine at a Bacchanalian Italian feast before gallivanting across Southern Europe for the next 3 months, but once again, I was willing to take it easy on you. Then you go out and drag race across LA last night, drunk on appletinis (or were they cosmos?) with some blow in your pocket, to boot. At this point, you have entered an area of celebrity culture that used to be reserved for Mike Tyson, Anna Nicole, and Michael Jackson. You’re so goddamned crazy that you’ve taken the fun out of it for the rest of us.

Lindsay Lohan was arrested for drunk driving in Santa Monica early this morning — her second bust in less than three months.

According to the L.A. County Sheriff’s Dept., 21-year-old Lohan was nailed around 2:15 AM near Pico Boulevard and Main Street early Tuesday morning. (source)

So congratulations, Lindsay. I am a broken man. Here’s to your last few months on earth, because you’re no doubt only a few months away from launching your Benz off of the Santa Monica Pier on the way to screw some B-level male celebrity. Rest assured that I’ll pour out a wine cooler for you when the day comes. Here’s Lindsay in happier times.