White Trash
Kevin Federline Family Man
Dec 8th
In a recent statement taken by voraciously ethical and truthful gossip reporters, Kevin Federline alleges he is indeed a family man. At present, a team of linguists are still working to determine the definition of family. Is it a nuclear unit of humans that live together in a nurturing stable environment, or a trail of white trash spawn, abandoned and forgotten like puppies in the river? We may never know.
Kevin Federline wants you to know that he’s not 100 percent pimp. In an interview with E! News, he claims, “I am a family man and that is me, that is the truth, that is in all honesty.” (source)
Kevin Federline isn’t fit to care for a lump of coal, let alone anything that breathes and requires food. Between Britney and Kevin, it’s a wonder Sean and Jayden haven’t worked out a plan to escape that involves a marbles, a makeshift ladder, a cell phone, the family dog and dressing up in little tuxedos while playing musical instruments. Babies in tuxedos are cute!
So what does Kristen Bell have to do with Britney and Kevin? Nothing. She’s just so cute it makes me giggle.
 
Britney’s Sex Plot Thickens
Nov 22nd
Emily here y’all. Fatback is down south this week stirring up some news and corrupting sorority girls with his southern charm. Reports are spinning that Britney Spears has plans to release a homemade sex tape with soon-to-be ex-husband Kevin Federline in an effort to prevent Kevin from making profit from the sale.
The ‘Toxic’ singer was left fuming after Kevin reportedly threatened to sell the X-rated footage – which is said to feature the couple romping on their honeymoon – to online porn mogul David Hans Schmidt.
To prevent the former dancer from profiting from the footage, which could be worth up to £120 million, Britney has apparently made the decision to give it away for free.
Kevin, 28, allegedly offered the footage to Schmidt – who has been involved with several other celebrity sex tapes, including those of Colin Farrell and Paris Hilton – just a day after Britney filed for divorce.
Schmidt said: “Two days after Britney filed for divorce I was contacted by an individual who indicated he had a digital video of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline having sex.â€
(source)
For some reason releasing a sex tape elevates one’s celebrity into a category of hot only attainable by Brazilian models with broken English and smiles that will kill a man before dessert. Or, conversely, it casts you down into the category of trashy blondes [somehow always relevant in the media] occupied by Pam Anderson, Tara Reid and Paris Hilton. Either way, you’re headlining movie night at the men’s correctional facility and a goddess to pimple-faced prurient pre-teens. Everyone has goals. Like my goal to trap swoon an aging Saudi Prince and become queen of my own Carribean Island. Dare to dream, Britney.
 
Update: Yeah, so it looks like the tape may be a hoax which saves me from accidentally running across it on PornoTube and having to gouge my own eyes out with a Williams-Sonoma soft-grip melon-baller. Ta!
