Television
Woohoo! Simpsons pisses off the Pagans
Jul 19th
Homer Simpson is a white hot sexual celebrity. If you don’t agree with me, then fuck off. Woman across the planet succumb to men with his wiley charms every minute. This should give some of you hope, yet.
Anyway, a 180 foot Homer was painted next to a 16th century outline of a pagan fertility god Britain. Homer holds high his tasty favor, while the fertility god holds high…um, another sort of favor. Pagans all over have their heathen panties in a celtic knot over this publicity stunt promoting the new Simpson’s movie. They promise to have a magic rain ritual cermony so it will wash away the special biodegradable paint. Witches. Bitches. Want some cheese with that whine? Mmmmm. Cheeeeese.Source and image via:BBC.co.uk
Find out what Homer does with his delicious pastry after the jump.
Look What the Cat Dragged In
Jul 16th
Move over Charm School girls–there are some new sluts in town!
Tonight VH1 premiered Rock of Love, and in doing so brought the Reality Skank Factor up to a whole new level. Tonight we have the pleasure of meeting 25 (very questionably) “beautiful” women brought to L.A. with the purpose of wooing Bret Michaels, or as contestant Brandi M. eloquently puts it, “I’m here to get me some rocker ass.”
Let’s view the show by Miss Lennox’s estimated statistics, shall we?
- Percentage of individual camera time contestants use to refer to each other as “bitch,†“slut,†“whore,” or “dumb”: 60%
- Percentage of self-confessed strippers or those who I’d peg for strippers: 80%
- Percentage of contestants with implants: 70%
- Percentage of contestants who look like they would kick Bret’s ass if he cheated on them: 80%. They’re incredibly rough looking.
Rough looking yes, but these classy women have quite a way with words. Brandi M. woos Bret with the subtle line, “I am a Scorpio so I’m ruled by my genitals.†Of course she makes it past tonight’s elimination. Moreover, Brandi C. lets Bret know that she’s not a jealous girl as she whispers in his ear that she’ll let him have several girlfriends in addition to her, as long as she remains Queen Bitch. After this romantic murmuring, the audience knows she will sail through to the next round of the competition for Bret’s heart cock.
Like Tiffany Patterson before her (“Miss New York” on both Flavor of Love seasons), Rock of Love’s Tiffany is the show’s standout. By standout I mean the sloppiest, drunkest, nastiest, drama-filled, meth-faced, completely insane girl of them all. Bret’s take on Tiffany: “I was kind of turned on a little bit, but I also had a feeling she was trying to kill me. She beat my penis to a pulp.†Come on, with that assessment was there any doubt that Tiffany would survive this first elimination ceremony?
Raven, however, prefers the boring-as-shit approach of rambling incessantly about how intelligent she is. But intelligence doesn’t work on Bret Michaels, sweetie, and besides I’m rather certain that referring to yourself as “obtuse†means that you are indeed stupid and not smart. Then again I’m not surprised at Raven’s word misuse since in our first introduction to her she says that “Every Thorn Has Its Rose†[sic] is a poignant song.
And Bret? Well when you see and hear Bret in action, it’s just difficult to understand why he hasn’t met the love of his life yet. I mean here’s a 44 year old man who clearly knows what he likes in women. He explains about Brandi C., “Her heaving well-implanted breasts caught my eye immediately.†Bret knows what is important for a successful relationship and will continue to apply his exacting standards to whittle this (cess)pool of now 16 women down to his special one.
With all this trash and drama will I be watching next week? You betcha, honey. After all, I’m convinced there will be multiple reveals of porn history and at least one in the group will turn out to be a transvestite–in fact I’d put money on 6’3†Magdalena really turning out to be man.
Miss Lennox wouldn’t miss an episode for the world!
Eva Longoria Gets Spurred.
Jul 9th
Last Friday, Eva Longoria of Horny, er, I mean, Desperate Housewives hitched herself to NBA star Tony Parker in Paris. They couldn’t wait until today for the ‘official’ wedding because of French statutes. The couple has been engaged since November, and despite the celibacy rumor, Tony has more than likely been scoring baskets much longer. Did they believe we were going to buy the ‘no sex’ thing? A few rumors have reached my ears that they wished to be officially married before Tony got to see anything ‘deep in the heart of Texas’. Shyeeeeeeah. Right.
Eva and Tony made their union legal in a civil ceremony on July 6 in Paris, as required by French law.
The Desperate Housewives star chose a short pink Chanel dress for her first walk down the aisle and Parker wore a dark suit. (source)
Eva Longoria, who’s a triple threat (burning hot, southern and a sports fan) , attended Spurs games frequently. Valkyrie is of the opinion that Eva wanted to pick up a few extra mil via Tony’s salary, along with the best seats the house, so she came out of that deal sitting pretty – literally. But, with a body like hers, Eva could have her pick of the team. But I’m not starting any rumors… Here’s more Eva at her civil ceremony wedding in Paris last week. Pink is the new white I guess?
Jessica Alba is goofy
May 23rd
Super hot movie star Jessica Alba claims she’s “goofy”?. And my question is: Who cares? She can claim to be Rolanda Queen of the Nicaraguan Sunsets as long as she keeps making movies in a bikini. Nothing says acting chops like a string bikini. True story.
“People think of me as just a sexy girl,” the self-described “dork,” 26, says in the June issue of InStyle, “but I’m really goofy , like, super goofy.”
Not that she’s knocking her looks, which first made her famous on the 2000-02 TV series Dark Angel. “I had womanly curves at a young age,” she says. “Usually kid actors are a few years older than the roles they play. I was two or three years younger.” (source)
This is the point where I would call Jessica a conceited whore because I really think she is, but with that body, goofy or not, she could poke out your eye with a pencil sharpened on the sidewalk and you’d still line up to drink her bath water. Where I come from, having curves at a young age is not as sexy as it may sound. It pretty much relegates you to marriage by senior year, dropping out and living in a trailer park taking care of three dirty faced children while your husband, the former football captain, shows off his skills as the manager of the Piggly Wiggly. I’m not saying that southern teen mothers are trashy uneducated whores. Well actually, yes. Yes I am. But Jesus loves them, god bless ‘em, and that’s all that matters.
Here’s Jessica getting into some trouble with the law. You have the right to remain sexy. Owwww.
