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See what I did there? I’m using tabloid style headlines. Like on TMZ and Extra! Neil Patrick Harris recently spoke out about Britney Spears’ casting in an upcoming episode of CBS’s How I Met Your Mother.

“I was shocked that Madame Spears was willing to come and do some acting,” Neil tells Kevin. “She hasn’t acted in a while. This is a very interesting role. It is very not like her at all in real life in any of her previous chapters. She plays the secretary to another girl that Ted [JOSH RADNOR] is after. So, it will be very unlike any Britney we have seen before, and we have seen a lot of Britney recently.” [FM Editor's note: Emphasis ours] [Ha! Another tabloid technique! Dana Devon will be mine!] (ETOnline)

I don’t think this episode is going to work out like they think it will. Britney will show up drunk, 8 hours late, wearing a dirty t-shirt and high heels and smoke cigarettes until they get her dog a frappacino [ed note: made up word! I looked it up. JOURNALISM!]. Then she’ll start crying and try to fuck Neil Patrick Harris because “he was that kid doctor that time. So cute!” The episode will finally air with one close frame shot of Britney’s face (with the BBQ sauce taken out with CGI) and the rest of the shots will be a stunt double fromt the reverse angle. SUPERSTAR.

Here’s Britney from March 10th. She’s either discovered make-up again or this Britney may be the Terminator.

Okay, I’m thinking that the CW show Gossip Girl must not pay the dude on the left as much as these other two guys on the show. That, or the actor busting out of his shirt had a sudden horizontal growth spurt and had no time to buy a new shirt before his appearance. I had to actually research who this sartorially-challenged guy is, and found out that he’s Ed Westwick on Gossip Girl. Since I’m not 15 years old, I don’t watch Gossip Girl and don’t know which high school stereotype he portrays. But one thing’s for sure–if you look at Ed from his neck down, he looks like someone’s old dirty uncle. “Uncle Ed” even wears several medallions to add to his creepy vibe. And the chest and stomach hair I certainly don’t get–the kid’s only 20 years old!

Anyway, at least the show has some beauty in it in the form of its star Blake Lively . . .

In plotting out this post (uh, yeah, these require massive amounts of gray matter!), I wasn’t sure which has-been “celebrity” to use for a photo to represent the upcoming VH1 show “Celebrity Rehab.” I mean when you’re choosing amongst the singer from a late 90’s one-hit wonder band, a Baldwin brother, and the same-old-same-old VH1 gals Chyna and Brigette Nielsen . . . well, you have slim pickings as far as who is a “celebrity.” So I decided to go with a mug shot, specifically that of Jessica Sierra, reported cast member on the up-and-coming “Celebrity Rehab.” If you don’t know who she is, that’s okay, you shouldn’t–she was in the Top Twelve of some season of “American Idol.” Whatever.

Anyway, VH1 has just announced that “Celebrity Rehab” will air in January. Jessica Sierra along with Daniel Baldwin, Mary Carey, Brigitte Nielsen, Jeff Conway, Chyna, and the singer from the band Crazytown are reportedly in the cast, but VH1 has not officially confirmed this winning bunch.

The reality show will partner with “Dr. Drew” Pinksy who will counsel the patients during their rehab stint. Dr. Drew offers:

“The road to sobriety is not easy and rehabilitation and the recovery process are not to be taken lightly . . . My goal is to lift the veil and help my patients, as well as viewers, understand that if not taken seriously, addiction is a disease that will kill you.”

Yeah, kill you but first make you look like the walking dead if the “celebs” from the cast in the pics below are any indication . . .

Hey, Miss Lennox here. I’m happy to be back in F&C action and presenting you with bikini pics of the lovely Kate Walsh from this past weekend in Hawaii. Kate plays Dr. Addison Montgomery on “Private Practice,” ex wife of Dr. McDreamy on “Grey’s Anatomy.” While I enjoy “Grey’s,” I just cannot watch “Private Practice” because it makes my vagina hurt. No, really, I’m serious. There is such an excess of estrogen on the show that the characters’ vaginas must secretly be communicating with my own. And I don’t like that one bit.

However, I do adore beautiful Kate Walsh . . . especially in a bikini . . .

Last night the Kardashian family of B (C? D?)-listers came out to play at the premier party for their new E! network show, “Keeping Up with the Kardashians.” The amount of siblings between Kris Kardashian and Bruce Jenner is astounding. While watching the previews that E! has been inundated it viewers with, I was unable to count all the siblings. Also, while watching the previews, I know that I will not be watching this show.

The bunch is an interesting looking family . . . and I don’t mean that in a flattering way. Not all of the clan attended the party, but let me introduce you to those who did, from left to right.

First Amazon Kardashian or perhaps Amazon Jenner. I’m not sure whose kid she is, but she’s big enough to crush you between her thighs. And something tells me Amazonia is insanely jealous of soon-t0-be Playboy model sister Kim.

Next is Daddy Jenner. He seems to be suffering from the “Kenny Rogers Syndrome,” i.e. perpetually surprised-looking due to a bad face lift.

Ah, then Kimmie, media darling, and the purpose and focus of the upcoming show. I just can’t like this girl. She’s famous because Paris Hilton is her BFF, she’s filthy rich due to her dead lawyer Daddy who defended O.J., and she made a nasty sex tape which only boosted her popularity. Yuck on all three counts.

Anyway, then there’s Mama Kardashian who looks like she’s put her dead hubby’s money to good use and found a great plastic surgeon. The woman does not look like she popped out 5 kids–or however many are hers.

Kardashian Siblings X and Y look sweet enough, but I’m sure that after their reality “fame,” some rehab or at least a DUI is in their future . . .

I, for one, will not be “Keeping Up with the Kardashians.” Hell no.

It is rare for Miss Lennox to actually admire a woman in Hollywood, so having a girl crush on is extremely rare for me . . . but Katherine Heigl is it and I’m proclaiming it to the world! I love Katherine Heigl!

Katherine is a perfect mix of gorgeous yet humble, with a little bit of goofy thrown in. She’s like Jennifer Anniston for a new generation. She looked amazing at the Emmy’s last night–resplendent in white, and seemingly minus a few pounds since she started Grey’s Anatomy.

I totally want to go shopping with her, share makeup tips, talk about the colors for her upcoming wedding, compare notes on our respective blond hair colors, get tipsy on mimosas, put my hand on her thigh while laughing about something dumb my boyfriend did, stop laughing, start touching, and . . . oops, did I just write that?

Uhhhhh, anyway, I absolutely adore this girl!

While “Rock of Love” on VH1 seemed to promise Miss Lennox a bevy of classless blowjob queens, it actually has failed to produce. The girls on “Rock of Love” just don’t possess the same trash factor of the “Flavor of Love”/”Charm School girls.” So you can imagine how excited I am that “I Love New York 2″ is premiering on October 8th on VH1!

Miss New York is the Queen of Trash and is definitely good for about 237 unreasonable outburts, a ton of sloppy kissing and repulsive groaning, plus Sister Patterson (a.k.a. Miss New York’s Mama) is back again! This lady is crazier than her daughter, and yes that is possible.

As well, Miss Lennox observes in these pictures from the 1st episode that Miss New York’s boob job is settling in nicely and she seems to have lost some of the weight that she obviously gained during “I Love New York.” Also, Sister Patterson finally has found a wig that will cover her gargantuan forehead. Very nice ladies, very nice.

Here’s to another classless season of the show!

Homer Simpson is a white hot sexual celebrity. If you don’t agree with me, then fuck off. Woman across the planet succumb to men with his wiley charms every minute. This should give some of you hope, yet.

Anyway, a 180 foot Homer was painted next to a 16th century outline of a pagan fertility god Britain. Homer holds high his tasty favor, while the fertility god holds high…um, another sort of favor. Pagans all over have their heathen panties in a celtic knot over this publicity stunt promoting the new Simpson’s movie. They promise to have a magic rain ritual cermony so it will wash away the special biodegradable paint. Witches. Bitches. Want some cheese with that whine? Mmmmm. Cheeeeese.Source and image via:BBC.co.uk

Find out what Homer does with his delicious pastry after the jump.

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Move over Charm School girls–there are some new sluts in town!

Tonight VH1 premiered Rock of Love, and in doing so brought the Reality Skank Factor up to a whole new level. Tonight we have the pleasure of meeting 25 (very questionably) “beautiful” women brought to L.A. with the purpose of wooing Bret Michaels, or as contestant Brandi M. eloquently puts it, “I’m here to get me some rocker ass.”

Let’s view the show by Miss Lennox’s estimated statistics, shall we?

• Percentage of individual camera time contestants use to refer to each other as “bitch,” “slut,” “whore,” or “dumb”: 60%
• Percentage of self-confessed strippers or those who I’d peg for strippers: 80%
• Percentage of contestants with implants: 70%
• Percentage of contestants who look like they would kick Bret’s ass if he cheated on them: 80%. They’re incredibly rough looking.

Rough looking yes, but these classy women have quite a way with words. Brandi M. woos Bret with the subtle line, “I am a Scorpio so I’m ruled by my genitals.” Of course she makes it past tonight’s elimination. Moreover, Brandi C. lets Bret know that she’s not a jealous girl as she whispers in his ear that she’ll let him have several girlfriends in addition to her, as long as she remains Queen Bitch. After this romantic murmuring, the audience knows she will sail through to the next round of the competition for Bret’s heart cock.

Like Tiffany Patterson before her (”Miss New York” on both Flavor of Love seasons), Rock of Love’s Tiffany is the show’s standout. By standout I mean the sloppiest, drunkest, nastiest, drama-filled, meth-faced, completely insane girl of them all. Bret’s take on Tiffany: “I was kind of turned on a little bit, but I also had a feeling she was trying to kill me. She beat my penis to a pulp.” Come on, with that assessment was there any doubt that Tiffany would survive this first elimination ceremony?

Raven, however, prefers the boring-as-shit approach of rambling incessantly about how intelligent she is. But intelligence doesn’t work on Bret Michaels, sweetie, and besides I’m rather certain that referring to yourself as “obtuse” means that you are indeed stupid and not smart. Then again I’m not surprised at Raven’s word misuse since in our first introduction to her she says that “Every Thorn Has Its Rose” [sic] is a poignant song.

And Bret? Well when you see and hear Bret in action, it’s just difficult to understand why he hasn’t met the love of his life yet. I mean here’s a 44 year old man who clearly knows what he likes in women. He explains about Brandi C., “Her heaving well-implanted breasts caught my eye immediately.” Bret knows what is important for a successful relationship and will continue to apply his exacting standards to whittle this (cess)pool of now 16 women down to his special one.

With all this trash and drama will I be watching next week? You betcha, honey. After all, I’m convinced there will be multiple reveals of porn history and at least one in the group will turn out to be a transvestite–in fact I’d put money on 6’3” Magdalena really turning out to be man.

Miss Lennox wouldn’t miss an episode for the world!

Last Friday, Eva Longoria of Horny, er, I mean, Desperate Housewives hitched herself to NBA star Tony Parker in Paris. They couldn’t wait until today for the ‘official’ wedding because of French statutes. The couple has been engaged since November, and despite the celibacy rumor, Tony has more than likely been scoring baskets much longer. Did they believe we were going to buy the ‘no sex’ thing? A few rumors have reached my ears that they wished to be officially married before Tony got to see anything ‘deep in the heart of Texas’. Shyeeeeeeah. Right.

Eva and Tony made their union legal in a civil ceremony on July 6 in Paris, as required by French law.

The Desperate Housewives star chose a short pink Chanel dress for her first walk down the aisle and Parker wore a dark suit. (source)

Eva Longoria, who’s a triple threat (burning hot, southern and a sports fan) , attended Spurs games frequently. Valkyrie is of the opinion that Eva wanted to pick up a few extra mil via Tony’s salary, along with the best seats the house, so she came out of that deal sitting pretty - literally. But, with a body like hers, Eva could have her pick of the team. But I’m not starting any rumors… Here’s more Eva at her civil ceremony wedding in Paris last week. Pink is the new white I guess?