Fatback Media

So Tara Reid was at the Ivy on Sunday, and somehow managed to have tons of photos snapped of her by the paparazzi. I couldn’t figure out why anyone would bother anymore since she’s really not relevant in Hollywood, but then I pondered deeply and realized her current relevance. Tara is an early prototype of crazy young Hollywood, and she serves to remind us of how benign “crazy” used to be. Back when she was a tabloid constant, the extent of her problems were binge drinking and showing her poorly lipo-suctioned stomach and new fake boobs. She was simply the funny drunk that we all liked to laugh at. But like I said, she was the early version of what was to come, i.e. most likely clinically insane Britney Spears and all of her drama, coked out Lindsey Lohan who can’t drive a car without getting in a wreck, and the list goes on . . . But Tara was just a good ol’ lush who showed her lumpy ass too much when she was drunk. She represents the yesteryear of Hollywood starlet craziness.

Let’s look at Tara in her glory days before she became a mess . . .

Whoa honey! You certainly have Miss Lennox baffled. You openly proclaim in People Magazine (and everywhere else) that you had your breasts done (and were unhappy) and had liposuction on your stomach (and were unhappy), yet I can’t figure out why you haven’t had a lil’ tummy tuck to fix your botched lipo (unless, of course, it’s because you anticipate being unhappy with the results).

Miss Lennox is well-versed and well-studied in the Plastic Arts, and accordingly I’d put money on the following: Pre-lipo you had gained and lost weight so many times that you had extra skin on your tummy from all those weight changes. However, pre-lipo you also had fat to fill out that skin and it was not that noticeable. But when you got your fat sucked out, well, uh, you were left with, well, what you have now.

But there is a way to fix your elephant skin stomach, Tara, and it’s something that surely isn’t that foreign to you . . . Plastic Surgery . . . specifically Abdominoplasty. You wouldn’t even need a full tummy tuck–you already have nice muscle tone and the lipo got rid of any fat you may have had on your stomach. You just need that skin excised. Let’s be honest, sweetie . . . it’s not like you’re busy at all these days. No one would notice if you had more surgery and took two months off to heal. Hell, no one would notice if you took two years off . . .

Emily here y’all. Fatback is down south this week stirring up some news and corrupting sorority girls with his southern charm. Reports are spinning that Britney Spears has plans to release a homemade sex tape with soon-to-be ex-husband Kevin Federline in an effort to prevent Kevin from making profit from the sale.

The ‘Toxic’ singer was left fuming after Kevin reportedly threatened to sell the X-rated footage - which is said to feature the couple romping on their honeymoon - to online porn mogul David Hans Schmidt.
To prevent the former dancer from profiting from the footage, which could be worth up to £120 million, Britney has apparently made the decision to give it away for free.
Kevin, 28, allegedly offered the footage to Schmidt - who has been involved with several other celebrity sex tapes, including those of Colin Farrell and Paris Hilton - just a day after Britney filed for divorce.
Schmidt said: “Two days after Britney filed for divorce I was contacted by an individual who indicated he had a digital video of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline having sex.”
(source)

For some reason releasing a sex tape elevates one’s celebrity into a category of hot only attainable by Brazilian models with broken English and smiles that will kill a man before dessert. Or, conversely, it casts you down into the category of trashy blondes [somehow always relevant in the media] occupied by Pam Anderson, Tara Reid and Paris Hilton. Either way, you’re headlining movie night at the men’s correctional facility and a goddess to pimple-faced prurient pre-teens. Everyone has goals. Like my goal to trap swoon an aging Saudi Prince and become queen of my own Carribean Island. Dare to dream, Britney.

Update: Yeah, so it looks like the tape may be a hoax which saves me from accidentally running across it on PornoTube and having to gouge my own eyes out with a Williams-Sonoma soft-grip melon-baller. Ta!

Hey y’all Em, here. Just marveling at those giant, ridiculous ta-tas. OMG. Tara Reid stated she recently had restorative plastic surgery to fix the damage from her previous implant and liposuction surgeries. So, not only is her brain plastic, but most of the rest of her body is as well. ZING! The new Us Weekly has details of her botched surgeries including a joint implant-liposuction procedure. Tara tells the full story.

On why she had plastic surgery in the first place:
“I got my breasts done for the first time because my breasts were uneven. I was a 34-B, but the right one was always bigger than the left. I weigh 110 pounds now, but I always used to fluctuate by 10 pounds, so my skin was kind of saggy. I figured, I’m in Hollywood, I’m getting older, I’m going to fix them.”

On what went wrong:
“First of all, I asked for big Bs, and he did not give me big Bs. He gave me Cs, and I didn’t want them. At all. Right after the surgery, I had some bumps along the edges of my nipples, but the doctor said, ‘Don’t worry, it’s going to be better.’ But after six months of ‘it’s going to get better,’ it started to get worse and worse.” (source)

Well that’s what happens when you’re so strung out on booze and coke; naturally, you make bad decisions. Like going to a shady plastic surgeon in Guadalajara for a “routine” nose job. And then participating in a coke fueled Mexican “donkey” show and subsequently starting a riot to free the animals. And then the Mexican police showed up and you spent three days explaining yourself in broken Spanish to crooked cops who just laughed a lot and watched poorly directed porn on an 8-inch monitor. But eventually your college roommate’s brother bailed you out of jail (you never questioned his law degree or license) and you got sober and now I’m you’re volunteering with children and animal shelters and your life’s a fucking Hallmark card. Go figure. Here’s Tara looking cute as a button back in the B-cup days before she was ravaged by drugs, hordes of angry men and an unlicensed physician.