Tom Cruise worries Katie is a fat, fat water rat and she should spend her days in the gym rather than nursing and coddling their wonder daughter, Suri. Lazy.

It seems Tom Cruise has a new mission these days — helping Katie Holmes reclaim her former hardbodied physique. According to sources close to the couple, Tom has become “very concerned” about her appearance these days, and has become directly involved with Katie’s workout regimen as a result.

According to sources, Tom is willing to do whatever it takes so his bride-to-be “looks the best that she can walking next to him down the aisle.”

In addition to joining her strenuous workout sessions, Tom also makes sure that Katie’s strict workout schedule is not interrupted by personally booking babysitters for the kids. (source)

So, Tom will do whatever it takes for Katie to look her best, which I’ll bet includes fellating summoning the spirits of the beyond to purge Katie’s body of the wicked toxins causing her slow weight loss after SHE JUST HAD A BABY. Damnit Katie! Why can’t you be a super-human, omnipresent phenomenon like your future husband? Lazy bitch.Tom Cruise for President Galactic Emperor2008 and beyond. I like how Katie is 90 lbs in that picture but she needs to lose weight. What a fat, fatty.

I am not a bum. I am a jerk. I once had wealth, power and the love of a beautiful woman. Now I only have two things: my friends and… wait, no, that’s someone else. I’m Emily and I’m an alcoholic.

That’s right, bitches, I’m your new guest writer. I’m an infectious (well, until the antibiotics kick in) brazen southern belle – a combination deadlier than drunk Paris Hilton behind the wheel. Bless her heart! So as Fatback inhales a large bowl of shrimp-n-grits, I’m on a gig to recruit groupies. So far my method involves a 9 question survey, a hookah pipe, photos of Scarlett Johansson’s rack and a Black Crowes ticket stub …cause I rock. I rock hard. Sweet tea, anyone? Here’s what’s happening on your side of the tracks.

Listen to the sweet, soothing baby sounds of Suri Cruise. (Gossip or Truth)

Wicker Man does it’s best to make women look like the power hungry bitches that they are. KIDDING! About the bitches part. (Not a misogynist!) The movie still sucks. And if it’s anything like the original…the good guy gets burned alive at the end. OOPS! (Pajiba)

US Weekly ripped of Yeeeah’s blog design. Think they’ll admit it? Yeah, me either. (Yeeeah!)

Grey’s Anatomy -The Fray S3 video. (GMMR)

Lindsay Lohan keeps the shaved crabtrap under wraps. (The Bastardly)

Penelope Cruz and Matthew MConnaa…MCGoghey..MCcoughlagay…MCwhatever may be back together. (Bumpshack)

Lindsay Lohan was robbed. Her designer purse full of $1M in jewels and pirate booty was stolen from her at the Heathrow Airport. (Subvert)