Sports
A-Rod’s Wife is Banging Lenny Kravitz
Jul 3rd
If you’re a man’s man like me, you keep up with the sports even though it’s your job to write about bullshit celebrity gossip. So it’s nice when every now and then the two world’s cross. Like today. Turns out Alex Rodriguez (A-Rod), who has recently been linked to Madonna [which simultaneously excites and creeps me out] may have to keep his wife on a short leash because she’s reportedly banging Lenny Kravitz [whose mom was on the Jefferson's as the the lady who married the white guy].
Cynthia Rodriguez, 34, has been in Paris for at least the past four days visiting Grammy-winner Kravitz. C-Rod was seen outside the 44-year-old Kravitz’s pad in the romantic City of Light as recently as Tuesday night. Meanwhile, A-Rod has been in New York with the Bronx Bombers, reading headlines about his numerous visits to Madonna’s Upper West Side apartment, which were first reported by Us Weekly on Tuesday. (NY POST)
Cynthia Rodriguez is pretty hot and she looks like she could be on American Gladiators so I see why Lenny Kravitz is hitting that. I bet she cuddles the shit out of Lenny Kravitz at night.
A-Rod was named AL MVP for the third time last years and he consistently bats well, but some reason he’s considered a pariah by Yanks fans because of his low post-season batting averages. But then Yankees fans are little snooty. Either way, he makes more money than the whole national GDP of some Latin American countries, so that qualifies him to bang whomever he chooses. It’s in our constitution by God. Sports heroes, politicians and Kennedy’s get money for nothin’ and chicks for free. With the occasional socialite murder thrown in for good measure.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to ask my friend Sarah to explain the infield fly rule. What’s that all about?
Anna Kournikova Is a Breath of Fresh Air
Oct 8th
Pretty soon I’m going to hire Chris Crocker to make a video for me in which he will beg the print, television, and web media to leave Miss Lennox alone with their goddamn 24-7 coverage of Britney’s every Taco Bell stop and hoo-ha flashing. I’m over Britney. I’m sick of nothing but Britney on every web page I view!!!
Thankfully the pretty and sane Anna Kournikova presented herself in a bikini top and form-fitting lounge pants this weekend, and I have a tiny Britney break and a nice piece of flesh to look at on-line. Plus, Anna’s not a Hollywood Bimbette. In fact, the only stupid thing she’s ever done was date and continue to date that douchebag Enrique Iglesias. I mean seriously, what do you see in a guy who friggin’ tells the news media that he needs extra-small condoms?!? Note, not “Small,” but “Extra-Small.” Jesus, I want to vomit thinking about his 3.5″ chili pepper! Aye, conyo!
But anyway, Anna K’s body is ridiculously tight and toned so please enjoy these pics of her . . . despite Douchebag Iglesias ruining some of them.
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Michael Vick Made a Mistake
Aug 23rd
R.L. White, Atlanta’s NCAAP Chapter President, says that Michael Vick was sold out and that he should be able to return to the NFL once his sentence is over. Yahoo says:
“As a society, we should aid in his rehabilitation and welcome a new Michael Vick back into the community without a permanent loss of his career in football,” said R.L. White, president of the group’s Atlanta chapter. “We further ask the NFL, Falcons, and the sponsors not to permanently ban Mr. Vick from his ability to bring hours of enjoyment to fans all over this country.” White said the Falcons quarterback made a mistake and should be allowed to prove he has learned from that mistake.
Yeah, totally. This was clearly a mistake. I can’t even count the times I’ve been drunk at a bar and ended up illegally transporting pit bulls over state lines so I could make them fight before I tortured them. Your honor, you should have seen the way those dogs were looking at me. Those little sluts were asking for it.
Note: The leader of the NAACP’s last name is “White”? Man, I bet he hates that.
Wolfgang Puck Serves up a steaming pile of Hepatitis A
Feb 28th
TMZ reports an employee of Wolfgang Puck catering services, who recently catered the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue party, was recently diagnosed with Hepatitis A and could have possibly spread it to the attendees. Scandalous!
An urgent warning has been issued by the Health Department, warning the star-studded crowd who attended the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue party on Valentine’s Day that they may have been exposed to acute hepatitis A. The list of possibly exposed guests: Beyonce Knowles, Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend Bar Rafaeli, and dozens of ridiculously hot bikini models.
The Los Angeles County Department of Public Health confirmed that an employee of Wolfgang Puck Catering was recently diagnosed with the disease, and has strongly urged anyone who attended the SI party, or any of the 13 other events catered by Puck between Feb. 1 – 20, to get an immune globulin shot by tomorrow to prevent illness. (source)
I don’t get it? The chance of a communicable disease, a raid by Colombian gangsters, incurable case of carpet burn and a paternity test nine months down the road are the marks of every Hollywood party I’ve ever been to. And Hep A, who doesn’t have that, anymore? It’s like the country club strain of Hep diseases. I think newborns in California are just inoculated with it when they get their MMR vaccinations. I’m pretty sure it’s a law.
Hep C. Now that’s some shit you can sink you’re teeth into: tattoos, drug use, high risk sexual practices, voodoo. Ain’t no party like a Hep C party ‘cuz a Hep C party don’t quit, bitches.
I’m kidding! Don’t do drugs. And have your pets spayed or neutered. EMcrest., OUT!
