Sex Tapes
A Gene Simmons Sex Tape? Vomit!
Feb 22nd
Damn it. Gene Simmons’ lawyers still haven’t shut down the site that’s selling his alleged sex tape. That means people such as myself who have a weird fascination with gross stuff keep going back and watching the 20 second clip again and again. Gene Simmons naked from the waist down and screwing is just… ewww. It’s like watching of Faces of Death and are those cats??? In fact FOD should have marketed the video. Yet I keep watching. What the hell is wrong me me? And with you too . . . you know you want to see the tape in its entirety! To appease your equally sick minds, you can go to this site and watch even more clips. Just don’t eat before you do.
Kim Kardashian, et. al.
Oct 12th
Last night the Kardashian family of B (C? D?)-listers came out to play at the premier party for their new E! network show, “Keeping Up with the Kardashians.” The amount of siblings between Kris Kardashian and Bruce Jenner is astounding. While watching the previews that E! has been inundated it viewers with, I was unable to count all the siblings. Also, while watching the previews, I know that I will not be watching this show.
The bunch is an interesting looking family . . . and I don’t mean that in a flattering way. Not all of the clan attended the party, but let me introduce you to those who did, from left to right.
First Amazon Kardashian or perhaps Amazon Jenner. I’m not sure whose kid she is, but she’s big enough to crush you between her thighs. And something tells me Amazonia is insanely jealous of soon-t0-be Playboy model sister Kim.
Next is Daddy Jenner. He seems to be suffering from the “Kenny Rogers Syndrome,” i.e. perpetually surprised-looking due to a bad face lift.
Ah, then Kimmie, media darling, and the purpose and focus of the upcoming show. I just can’t like this girl. She’s famous because Paris Hilton is her BFF, she’s filthy rich due to her dead lawyer Daddy who defended O.J., and she made a nasty sex tape which only boosted her popularity. Yuck on all three counts.
Anyway, then there’s Mama Kardashian who looks like she’s put her dead hubby’s money to good use and found a great plastic surgeon. The woman does not look like she popped out 5 kids–or however many are hers.
Kardashian Siblings X and Y look sweet enough, but I’m sure that after their reality “fame,” some rehab or at least a DUI is in their future . . .
I, for one, will not be “Keeping Up with the Kardashians.” Hell no.
Ray J for President
Jun 5th
R&B star and Kim Kardashian sex tape co-star (?) Ray J has dreams of becoming Mayor of Carson California, not a huge stretch considering Ahnold is the guvnah and Sonny Bono was a member of Congress. Except, Ray J is a naughty, naughty boy and his sex tape controversy may be keeping him out of office.
The singer/actor has huge political ambitions and his leaked sex tape, in which he cavorted with socialite Kim Kardashian, wrecked his bid to become Carson’s mayor this year (07) – but he isn’t giving up. He tells Sister 2 Sister magazine, “I might do it at the next election and let all of this controversy die down and then hit them harder.”
“I want people to look at other things besides rapping and singing… Young people 18 and older don’t vote. When I get people to start voting and start uplifting themselves in the political side of life… I’m making a change in the world. “I’m going to keep going. I’m going for president of the United States of America.” (source)
Ahh hahaha, ‘hit them harder’. That’s what she said. Seriously though, I’m all for electing porn stars to public offices. John Holmes can be the Thruster of the House. Linda Lovelace can play Bush. And Elisha Cuthbert can be the Fist Lady. (Okay I know she isn’t a porn star, but she played one once and that’s basically the same thing.) Sessions of Congress would really just be consecutive days of orgies and the State of the Union addresses would be broadcasts of classic hits like Ally McFeal, Nightmare on Dyke Street and Dial A for Anal. Holy shit, the ideas are rolling! Where’s my pen??
Oh. Umm. We at FB&C acknowledge free love and its consequences so before you tag it, bag it. No glove, no love. And so on. Holla!
Katee Holmes is a whore
May 23rd
Katie Holmes is pissed. New York Post reports that a young virgin has changed her name to Katee Holmes and will be starting a porn career, in which she will lose her virginity in her first film. Get it? Katie, Katee? Duh.
“It’s a really cheap shot,” a rep for the actress, who’s married to Tom Cruise, told Page Six. But Shy Love, an adult film vet who manages the 5-foot-9, 122-pound Katee – a small-town girl from Illinois – insisted: “Katee is using the name as a tribute to Katie, who has always portrayed an innocence in everything she’s done, beginning with ‘Dawson’s Creek.’ ”
“I know it’s pretty extreme to lose my virginity on camera, but I like the fulfillment and excitement I get from watching porn, so I figured [a movie] was the best place for me to lose it,” the not-that-innocent Katee said. “How many people wished they could relive their first experience, if not to remember it but to learn from it, right?” (source)
Man, what a whore. But guys love whores. I think the’re taken aside at an early age and shown cheap porn mags like Cheri, or Oui, forever conditioning them to hit on the cheapest, sluttiest girl in the bar. That being said, it’s like Katee stole the idea right out of my goddamned head. No doubt you will be lined up to see this nubile, young thing lose her love flower, wishing you were the one giving her the bulging love stick. What the fuck did I just say? Anyway, instead, you are crying, realizing you just lost your virginity to the 19 year-old hag babysitter who punched you in the face as she called you the wrong name. Then she made you get her McDonalds. Sucked to be you. Loser. More Katee. I mean Katie. I mean Kate.
