Fatback Media

Katie Holmes is pissed. New York Post reports that a young virgin has changed her name to Katee Holmes and will be starting a porn career, in which she will lose her virginity in her first film. Get it? Katie, Katee? Duh.

“It’s a really cheap shot,” a rep for the actress, who’s married to Tom Cruise, told Page Six. But Shy Love, an adult film vet who manages the 5-foot-9, 122-pound Katee - a small-town girl from Illinois - insisted: “Katee is using the name as a tribute to Katie, who has always portrayed an innocence in everything she’s done, beginning with ‘Dawson’s Creek.’ ”

“I know it’s pretty extreme to lose my virginity on camera, but I like the fulfillment and excitement I get from watching porn, so I figured [a movie] was the best place for me to lose it,” the not-that-innocent Katee said. “How many people wished they could relive their first experience, if not to remember it but to learn from it, right?” (source)

Man, what a whore. But guys love whores. I think the’re taken aside at an early age and shown cheap porn mags like Cheri, or Oui, forever conditioning them to hit on the cheapest, sluttiest girl in the bar. That being said, it’s like Katee stole the idea right out of my goddamned head. No doubt you will be lined up to see this nubile, young thing lose her love flower, wishing you were the one giving her the bulging love stick. What the fuck did I just say? Anyway, instead, you are crying, realizing you just lost your virginity to the 19 year-old hag babysitter who punched you in the face as she called you the wrong name. Then she made you get her McDonalds. Sucked to be you. Loser. More Katee. I mean Katie. I mean Kate.

By now you’ve probably heard about the latest former American Idol contestant to embarrass her family and generally act like a drunken piece of trash, Jessica Sierra. It seems that ole’ Jess got herself into a bit of trouble on Saturday night when she got into a bar fight in Tampa and was found to have some Bolivian marching powder in her purse. She was reportedly abusive to the arresting officers after she threw a cocktail glass at a fellow booze hound.

It appears that since she was kicked off of Idol, Jessica Sierra (porno name, anyone?) has tried to get a record contact and has been WORKING AT HOOTERS. Let’s see: cocaine, alcohol, trampy name, reality show cast-off, and now my favorite delightfully tacky, yet unrefined restaurant. This girl’s life reads like a Mad Libs of American white trash. To complete the sweep, she might as well release a sex tape that was filmed in her single-wide where she smokes Kools and chugs Boone’s Farm straight from the bottle. God bless Tampa, home of 94% of America’s whores, and God bless Jessica Sierra and the plate of curly fries and wings she is currently serving to a trucker.

While I wouldn’t fuck Jessica Sierra with Kelly Clarkson’s dick, I do have a soft spot for the lovely Ms. Carrie Underwood. Something tells me that Carrie’s never donned orange hot pants and a tank top. [Ed. note: Shooter, I just know she has. If there is a a god in heaven...]

TMZ reports naughty girl Jenna Jameson has filed for separation from husband Jay Grdina, also a porn star. The couple was married for over three years.

TMZ obtained the legal papers, filed in Los Angeles County Superior Court. Jameson, whose legal last name is Massoli, has been estranged from husband Jay Grdina. Grdina, also a porn star, performs under the name Justin Sterling.

The couple has no children, however, we’re told the divorce could get nasty. Sources tell TMZ the couple has no prenup, but Jameson is rolling in dough after selling her lucrative business to Playboy. Jameson is repped by mega-celebrity lawyer Neal Hersh. (source)

Gr-whata..? Anyhoo. Jenna’s currently rebounding with an Ultimate Fighting champion so get your game face on if you think you have a shot. That said…Two people who built a relationship amidst licentious orgies and taboo indulgences and getting the perfect money shot didn’t make it as eternal soulmates? Stunned. I’m gonna go out on a limb here, but landing a porn star prolly doesn’t involve flowers and romantic beach walks. Somehow I imagine a tightrope, officer uniforms, a pizza box, foot long rails of coke and a monkey in a conductor’s hat (It’s a monkey! In a train hat!) are not quite the elements for creating a lasting romance. Now if you’ll excuse me; I need to make a phone call. Suddenly I feel wildly qualified. And now. Click here for the Nudity. (yeah these are old, but she’s not getting any less naked, perv.)

..and other scary stories to tell in the dark. In spite of my efforts, I can’t bring myself to give a shit, but it is still my duty to deliver the goods so here’s a view of Britney Spears leaving Hyde nightclub. Seems as though Britney has joined the campaign against skivvies, courtesy of Paris Hilton. BFF! Britney’s two heirs and a sex tape away from a season of Simple Life. I’m a bottle of red wine away from being called into HR for a scolding. I’m a……slaaaave 4 U. [The irony is that the phrase 'Britney Spears upskirts' launched a thousand internet empires and actually put me through college.]

Click here for NSFW images 

Emily here y’all. Fatback is down south this week stirring up some news and corrupting sorority girls with his southern charm. Reports are spinning that Britney Spears has plans to release a homemade sex tape with soon-to-be ex-husband Kevin Federline in an effort to prevent Kevin from making profit from the sale.

The ‘Toxic’ singer was left fuming after Kevin reportedly threatened to sell the X-rated footage - which is said to feature the couple romping on their honeymoon - to online porn mogul David Hans Schmidt.
To prevent the former dancer from profiting from the footage, which could be worth up to £120 million, Britney has apparently made the decision to give it away for free.
Kevin, 28, allegedly offered the footage to Schmidt - who has been involved with several other celebrity sex tapes, including those of Colin Farrell and Paris Hilton - just a day after Britney filed for divorce.
Schmidt said: “Two days after Britney filed for divorce I was contacted by an individual who indicated he had a digital video of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline having sex.”
(source)

For some reason releasing a sex tape elevates one’s celebrity into a category of hot only attainable by Brazilian models with broken English and smiles that will kill a man before dessert. Or, conversely, it casts you down into the category of trashy blondes [somehow always relevant in the media] occupied by Pam Anderson, Tara Reid and Paris Hilton. Either way, you’re headlining movie night at the men’s correctional facility and a goddess to pimple-faced prurient pre-teens. Everyone has goals. Like my goal to trap swoon an aging Saudi Prince and become queen of my own Carribean Island. Dare to dream, Britney.

Update: Yeah, so it looks like the tape may be a hoax which saves me from accidentally running across it on PornoTube and having to gouge my own eyes out with a Williams-Sonoma soft-grip melon-baller. Ta!