Smokin’ hot and tabloid sizzling British couple David and Victoria Beckham are to appear on the August issue of W magazine. Here’s a quote from the article:

“When the soccer star married the pop singer, it was a match made in British tabloid heaven. Now David and Victoria Beckham are determined to become the new American idols.”

Drag. Lame. Bore. I am so unbelievably disappointed in these photos. I didn’t get a nip slip or a bare ass or some interspecies erotica or anything. Just some fucked up tattoos. Turns out W doesn’t stand for whore. (Who knew?) I feel so…teased. Now I know how all those boys (and girls) felt in high school. Instead, I got Posh in a maxi pad and “Becks” (stupid fucking name, by the way) looking as though he’s auditioning for male porn. Either that or a Calvin Klein ad, which is basically the same thing. Who the fuck chose their wardrobe? Conclusion: two unimpressed thumbs down. Leave the magazine on the shelves and wait for one of their sex tapes to hit YouTube. Because of some -ahem- legal issues we aren’t posting all of the pics here. You can see all the fish n’ chips in hi res here and here.

It rhymes! I don’t even know who Emily Scott is, but what I do know is that she’s pasting her sweet ass on every gentleman‘s magazine in town, and to that I give a roaring “hell yeah”. And that’s not sexist, because I’m a girl. And keeping true to form, this is sinfully hot Emily doing it yet again for the July issue of FHM UK (pics source). Would you expect any less though? With a name like Emily, she’s sure to be charming and devilishly clever. So much so I bet you don’t realize your wallet’s missing even now, do you? Sucka! Go buy the magazine if you want to see more or if you’d like to see  Emily Scott naked check the archives.

This is the ridiculously hot Megan Fox at a recent Transformers press conference. Her Egyptian potato sack (?) dress is revealing one of her several tattoos. I’m not one to judge, but it’s well known tattoos are for whores. They don’t call it a ho’ stamp for nothing. True story. Here’s what she said in FHM about her ink.

Fox has said of her tattoos: “I have five. Anytime I have a feeling about anything, I get tattooed. I have a poem I wrote on my ribcage and a symbol for strength on my neck, and my boyfriend Brian’s name tattooed next to my pie.”

That one one her back there is a version of a quote from King Lear (for you literary muthafuckas), but its kinda creepy because that’s what King Lear said to his daughter in the touching scene where they are led off to prison. So is this ironic? Or literal? Is she the tragic gilded butterfly for whom a fatherly figure (Daddy? David Austin Greene? Hollywood?) must suffer as he sees her caged, never to fly, and ultimately fall too soon for her years? Or was this scrawled in eyeliner pencil on the bathroom stall just above the toilet seat when she chopped up that last coke rail?

‘How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is to have a thankless child.’

In one picture, Maggie Gyllenhaal has single-handedly become my hero. I have so many questions, but all I can do is stare. I can’t tell if that youngin’ is actually breast-feeding or just mocking what daddy does every night after 9pm. But more importantly, Maggie is my favorite kind of mother. You know, the ones who just let their babies latch on in the middle of the freaking street, without a bit of modesty, as if it’s natural to show your boobs on a bench in public. It is, isn’t it? The only way this picture could be better is if they were in Burger King surrounded by dirty-faced little urchins crying MAWma! and DIDdeee!. Cause nothing suggests redneck upward mobility like a peep show in the BK lounge.
(img source)

More hot MILF Jugs apres le saut…

To all the ad folks out there…this does not constitute adult material. This is a woman breast feeding her child in the open at a public place. Like all women do right? No need to get huffy…

I said goddamn, Salma! This is a very preggo Salma Hayek at some charitable function for some charitable cause that we don’t give two flying charitable whacks about..except, we do care because we’re red-blooded Americans who appreciate a ridiculous plunging neckline showing off those radiant, voluptuous love nests. I’m pretty sure those 36QQs are the stuff dreams are made of. I even have a spot of drool on my chin as I type. A spot of drool? When did I become British? Oh well, cheerio…suckas!

On a related note, how much nutrition does an adult gain from breastfeeding? I bet Wikipedia knows…

Singer Avril Lavigne is stirring up gossip over her image for the June cover of Blender magazine, where she is featured seemingly naked from the waist up. Oooh, sinner.

Truth be told, Lavigne revealed to us before taking the stage last night, the photo shoot was a little more innocent than you think. “Actually, I’m not topless on the cover,” she said. “I was wearing a tube top, and they just kind of put a banner on top of it.”

Even if she’s not topless, the 22-year-old is still flaunting her inner bad girl. “The Blender shoot was really fun because it was super rock and roll — we had a bottle of [whiskey] and ate cupcakes,” she said. “Everyone was super cool. It was definitely a different kind of photo shoot for me.” (source)

Cupcakes are so fucking rock‘n’roll. I bet if you slice open Mick Jagger, (besides dust) you’d find a tourniquet, a stripper and dozens of tiny cupcakes. Chocolate ones, with fuckin’ sprinkles. Becuase nothing says rock like tiny baked confections. Except, not. Avril is anything but rock‘n’roll. She’s a 22 year old whino from Canada who thinks she’s badass because she cusses and dates sk8er bois. If she were a real rock chick, she’d be naked in that photo giving Joe Perry a handjob while another girl tongues her Lizard King breast tattoo. But most importantly, she wouldn’t be talking about it because she wouldn’t have to. Can you believe these new girls? None of them use birth control and they eat all the steak. Whores. Here’s Avril at the Maxim Hot 100 Party.

Tricia Helfer plays an evil machine on “Battlestar Galactica,” but the sexy Cylon may cause her fans to short-circuit when they see the latest edition of Playboy.

“I hope people like them,” Helfer told The Post of her 10-page nude pictorial shot by famed shutterbug Sante D’Orazio. “I know I do.” (source)

I’m not surprised. It’s always the unsuspecting ones, like the Sci-Fi chick, or the Catholic school English teacher, the burger joint French fry queen…your mom. Trekkie convention is just a glorified name for orgy and Deep Space Nine sounds like low-budget porn on Cinemax After Dark (PPV!). And the Twelve Colonies of Kobol are simply nudist, self-indulgent, hedonistic havens. Regardless, Trisha’s hot and I would park my Enterprise in her Final Frontier any day. Let’s just say I’ll take a ‘ NumberSix’ with ’7 of 9′ any day. I don’t know, whatever, just go with it. Nerd. Get your game hand ready, here’s more science fictionly cyborg semi-nakedness. By the way, these photos are not from Playboy.

UPDATE: PLAYBOY IMAGES REMOVED BY REQUEST

And by request, I mean Tatyana from Playboy Inc complained to my hosting company, Godaddy, instead of contacting me and they shut my site down. I moved to a new server, but the images from this post only exist in my mind. And in Tatyana’s mind. Because she’s dirty. If you have any royalty free Tricia Helfer’s let me know.

Britney Spears was recently voted ‘world’s worst celebrity dog owner’. When asked about owner Britney, her dogs replied, “woof woof, bitch, bark bark”.

Britney Spears’ parenting skills are being called into question once again. This time she’s been voted the world’s worst celebrity dog owner in an online vote conducted by two dog magazines.
“Britney was the overwhelming choice,” Hilary O’Hagan, editor of The New York Dog and The Hollywood Dog magazines, said in a statement picked up by the Associated Press.
“She once had three Chihuahuas … and never left home without at least one of them on her arm,” O’Hagan said. “As soon as she met K-Fed and had kids they (the dogs) disappeared.”
Paris Hilton placed second for “treating her dogs like accessories.” Oprah Winfrey, who owns five dogs (not including Stedman), was voted this year’s best celebrity dog owner. The talk-show host replaced 2005 winner Joss Stone, and beat out fellow dog owners Tori Spelling and Nicollette Sheridan. (source)

When I see Britney, a lot of worsts come to mind, like: worst woman to sing at your funeral, or worst candidate for an underwear ad, or worst posterchild for literacy…the list goes on. But you’ve got to be a special kind of stupid to be voted worst celebrity dog owner by not one, but two, dog magazines. Owning a dog is easy: eat, sleep, poop, fetch. It’s not rocket science, we’re dealing with a creature that licks its butt and goes for the fake ball throw every time.

The Good

Gretchen Wilson is simple but damn hot. Redneck women unite!

The Bad

Is it feathers? Is it hair? It’s Laura Birna and it’s wrong.

The Ugly

Bombshell? Kind of a misnomer, huh? Is that a combover? I am so lost.

The Smokin Hot

Carrie Underwood could be dressed in a laundry basket with silly string in her hair and she’d still be the most adorable thing this side of Canada. Actually, that’d probably make her even cuter.

The Owned

Here’s Faith Hill, ever the gracious country lady, taking the news that she just lost out to an American Idol contestant.

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Funny thing. I, too, baked a cake when the ‘state’ ruled I did not have to pay the fines for possession of killer good looks. Zing! It was clever in my mind, at least. I had no idea who Shanna Moakler was until recently, but she quickly soared to the top of my “shouldn’t be in public for fear of homicide” list. She’s fucking scary, like she’ll burn cigarettes into your back while making love on the kitchen floor, then splash you with a glass of vodka as she calls you a ‘perv’ and walks out the door, which makes her all the more attractive, which, incidentally, is the image I’m building so in summation: she’s my role model. Here’s some photos of Shanna from various places. That last one is a preview of the new stuff shot she just did. Dirty slave.