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What ever happened to Paris Hilton going to Rwanda to help orphans and all that shit? I thought that was her plan a few months ago. Now her international efforts have apparently been refocused on whoring it up for the camera as usual. German Maxim has made Paris their cover girl for April. And, I must say that the pictures are quite decent. I mean the makeup artist, photographer, and photo editor did a stellar effort in making her wonky eye virtually unnoticeable! And, if you’ll look closely at the pics, you’ll see that Paris offers us a glimpse of something she’s never been shy about showing–a bit of lip . . . and I’m not talking about on her face . . .

I’m not sure I could have dreamed up a more ridiculous publicity stunt for Paris Hilton than to be blessed by a Shaman, but hey this is the Princess of Ridiculous. Apparently Paris was blessed by a Shaman over the weekend in a bookstore in West Hollywood. If you ask me the dude doesn’t need to be spending time blessing her head. He needs to be exorcising the little demons living in her crotch. Can a Shaman write prescriptions for penicillin?

Hold on to your remotes kids, because Paris Hilton is returning to “reality” tv. I used quotes because reality tv is about as real as the chance of me winning a million dollars and getting two chicks to double up on me.

“The show is going to be about her searching for a new best friend,” a source tells Usmagazine.com. “Paris is tired of the haters and she’s looking for someone new. She’s looking for someone new and cool who she can trust.” (Us)

You know who’s trustworthy? Hungry grizzly bears whose cubs have been stolen. They’re like the elephants of the animal kingdom. I bet if we gave Paris a pet baby grizzly bear to walk around on a chain and sent her for a walk in the woods that a true friendship would blossom right before our eyes. And then the mama bear would maul her to death and eat her. BFFs!

Paris Hilton celebrated her 27th birthday this weekend at Pure nightclub in LA. Instead of just hosting a standard birthday party, Paris decided to entertain guests. While neither acting nor singing are her strong suits, she was typically immune to her own deficiencies and thus sung and danced burlesque style for her audience. As you can see in the pic above, she assumed a very familiar position while in a huge champagne glass. Something tells me she didn’t have to practice that move at all.

Below are pics of Paris upon her arrival to Pure. She’s wearing way too much sparkly eye shadow and, as you can see, it wound up all over her body. Or maybe she thought it was 2001 and body glitter was in fashion so she deliberately put it on her neck and chest. Who the hell knows with this one!

While I gained five pounds binging on desserts and shit over the holidays, Hollywood girls found more productive uses for their time:

Jennifer Love Hewitt volunteered at an L.A. Soup Kitchen preparing meals for the homeless, and looking quite cute with Santa I may add. Meanwhile, Nicky Hilton was showing off her bronzed, bony body on vacation with her family in Maui. Note Paris’ beach get-up which I’m certain came from a vintage shop circa 1988. Nicolette Sheridan was also at a beach on Christmas–she and boyfriend Michael Bolton hung out in St. Barts where she showed the paparazzi she was no Jennifer Love Hewitt. Seriously, the woman is nearly 45 and looks friggin’ incredible! Finally, Kim Kardashian did some holiday shopping with Reggie Bush who will be just another “friend” who she gets mad about at the media for portraying her as sleeping with. No worries, KK–we know that you just have a lot of male friends and that the only guy you’ve had sex with is Ray-J. Yeah right.

When I think of “sporty,” “athletic,” and “fit,” I think of, well, anyone but Paris Hilton. However, the athletic company Fila must recognize some connection to fitness that Paris harbors somewhere in her since they have made her a spokes model for their brand. Over the weekend she was in South Korea whoring herself out for the sportswear line. I say “whoring herself” because I’m pretty sure she would never wear their gear if not for the ridiculous amount of money they’re paying her to say that she loves it. Seriously y’all, come on–this is the girl who was even lazy and whiny in her sex tape . . . an athlete she is not.

If they wear them, Miss Lennox will talk! Yes, more Halloween costumes from Hollywood this weekend. Though there are several pics, Dennis Rodman as Jungle Big Bird Tranny does take the cake. And, I just want to tell you how much more I loathe Spencer Pratt after seeing him in his costume. Indeed Spencer is a Superhero, a.k.a. SuperDouche.

Thanks to this weekend’s Spike TV’s “Scream Awards,” there were no hot actresses left floating around the streets of L.A. Nope, they were all at the Greek Theater, indeed. The Scream Awards are supposedly a celebration of the year’s best in Horror, Sci-Fi, Fantasy, and Comics, but I’m pretty sure it’s a veritable celebration of the best in T&A.

I have to hand it to Spike TV for getting Megan Fox, Jessica Alba, Kristanna Loken, and Jessica Biel in the same room. Though, had Spike also provided the girls with champagne, a hot tub, a false assurance of privacy, and then a live internet feed, it would have made for an even more interesting evening. But, I digress . . .

Check out the hotness at the Scream Awards, as well as the crumbs (i.e. Paris Hilton) . . .

Good God! As if we all needed another reason to feel terribly for the people of Rwanda! Well, indeed we have one more . . . Paris Hilton has confirmed to E! News and Newsweek that she’s due to visit the war-ravaged country in November after she wraps shooting on her upcoming horror-musical film (Horror-Musical? WTF?).

Paris poignantly notes,

“There’s so much need in that area, and I feel like if I go, it will bring more attention to what people can do to help.”

I tend to think by “need” Paris sees the obvious lack of nightlife and fashion there and intends to class the country up a bit and make it “hot.”

Anyway, Paris’ supposedly altruistic spirit is betrayed by her own words to Newsweek. She tells the magazine that her visit to Rwanda will be filmed in hopes of selling the footage as a reality show called “The Philanthropist” on which she’ll be one of several celebrities who volunteer to help the 99.9999% of the population less fortunate than themselves. “I love having everything documented,” Paris told Newsweek. “It shows people what everyday life is like for me, how hard I work. There are a lot of misconceptions about me.”

May Miss Lennox put on her Public Health hat and remind Paris that Rwanda borders the Democratic Republic of Congo, a country currently experiencing an Ebola outbreak. Ah, I can dream of the possibilities, can’t I?

Paris just needs to shut the hell up with this awareness campaign bullshit and be seen and not heard . . . but only seen photoshopped, please, such as in these photos below.

I guess somebody should’ve told Paris Hilton that Nicky Hilton’s 25th birthday party actually meant “Nicky Hilton’s 25th birthday party”, because of course, Paris made it all about Paris. God, this whore can’t help herself. Every time she sees a camera it’s like a fish that saw something shiny. Nicky Hilton could get shot in the face and Paris would show up at the crime scene covered in gasoline with a lighter in her hand and waving her arms like a P.O.W. who just saw a plane.